southsidechris

deep in the heart....

2006-11-12T08:45:00.000-08:00

i got to surprise my sister and her family on a quick trip down here to san antonio this last week through today. has been a whirlwind of family stuff, but relaxing mostly, thanks to the new hot tub they had put in their backyard the day before i got here. good timing right.

i did even get some touristy stuff in like 2 visits to museums. one to the san antonio musuem of art, great contemporary collection, and also a trip to the mcnay museum. sama is in a huge, refurbished industrial building on the edge of downtown and boasts 6 floors and tons of regional themed galleries, although we stuck mostlt to photography and contemporary, my faves. some highlights from there included a stunning wayne thiebaud, a gigantic helen frankenthaler (not a huge fan, but this piece was striking) and a eudora welty photography survey. welty was a photgrapher in the pre-wpa south and her images were wonderful slices of life focusing mainly on women, families and the great color divide evident then, and somewhat still today, in the deep south. the mcnay was quite the opposite. set up by an old monied lady here the musuem is set in what was her grand spanish villa style mansion. complete with sculpture garden walking grounds and fountains, an amazing courtyard patio and a collection that featured alot of 19th and 20th century european and american artists. all ther greats were represented here: mondrian, degas, picasso, pisarro, seurat and the like. they even own one paul cadmus painting that is quite breathtaking. cadmus was a mid century painter and illustrator who favored the male nude (on canvas and in life). his work is a less graphic version of tom of finland, but in that vain of exagerated muscle, but more tender and less in your face. t.o.f. obviously draws his images for a gay male crowd. cadmus had to hide his "intentions" a bit at first, but this late career piece is very tender, light and yet direct.

got to spend 10 hours at a horse show my niece was in yesterday. while this was quite lucky to get to see on the weekend i was here and amazing to watch, around hour 5 i was getting a bit bored. luckily i brought a book and passed the time somehow. got a lot of great shots and the ranch where it was, also where she takes lessons, was quite picturesque.

just getting out of my routine was good. i feel completely over the sickness/sinus stuff that knocked me down for a week and ready to get back into my life and get a few more plates spinning before the end of the year....

the weekend in revue.....

2006-10-15T23:06:00.000-07:00

of all the things i did this weekend, i would have to say the highlight was seeing andrew bird live in concert at the blb! i just can't get enough of this guy. handsome and quirky yes, but the spell he casts with his violin and lil magic looping machine are something else. not to mention the whistling, glockenspiel and guitar as well. after deciding earlier this week that a. bird had broken into to my top two faves (low and magnetic fields) i became the super fan with a new tee shirt + plus the new tour only fingerlings 3, both amazing with a capital a, sadly not on this blog though.

did 50 laps on two seperate occasions plus some lifting & ballet, and kind of slid the rest of the weekend on working out. i had all the good intentions of it today, but it was too nice to not be outside at the moto jo coffee haus, finishing up my current book, the amazing adventures of kavelier and clay. amust, must read. i go through the same thing with all the good books i read. i start, things get good, i read more and more, but as the end gets near i freak out a bit. did i read too fast and try and savor the last few pages, sentences, words.......

its that good.

intended to do some other stuff too like laundry, mopping and taking in a midnight showing of hedwig and the angry inch but whatever. i have the day off tomorrow and can't wait to sleep in, get up and take a nap......

ok, ok already.....

2006-10-03T16:33:00.000-07:00

so "i'll post more in a few days" became yet another month, october to be exact. how does a good minneapolitan spend their falls days you ask? well yesterday i rode down my golden leaved tree lined street in shorts and a tak top enroute to the beach, where i basked in the sun shirtless for a good portion of the afternoon. this is very un-like me, "laying out" that is, and very unusual for fall in minneapolis, but when in rome right?

it still feels like summer will go on forever, or until the leaves are gone and the snows falls. i had a very vivid memory laying in my bed shivering last winter of minneapolis in the spring and summer. all lush and green, the smell of bbqs and fresh cut grass competing with the sights of shirtless worked out men and gardens overflowing with the dripping petals of lilies. this thought was how i made it through last winter and now it feels like its starting to fade right before my eyes. this is not dread as the winter doesn't scare me anymore, but i am left with the question of "did i do enough"? i guess i would rate my summer fun as successful but the what if's and i should've's get me.

i got to spend some good quality time with my sister and niece on their visit to duluth, which also coincided with my dad's visit, a family reunion and my first green man festival to see my faves low play by the lake. the family stuff was great but involved a few weekends driving 35 back and forth, but worth every minute. was great to see how my nieces has grown and evn gone off to school this year, pre school anyways. hadn't seen my dad in a almost a year and half and good just to try and reconnect. we are so far removed in idealogies, life and sadly paths that sometimes he feels like an uncle i see only occasionally, but we try and thats the best that can be done sometimes. i plan to visit him in georgia this christmas, my first time back there in something like 10+ years, and really don't know what to expect.

the insane heat of late july and august almost broke me, i will in the heat, but i managed to make it almost the whole summer, less one weekend, without air conditioning. after the weekend i did finally install it, i kind of dreaded it and imediately missed the fresh air, be it warmish, blowing through my bedroom.

july 25th was my 2 & 1/2 year point in my sobriety, a thought that still baffles me sober today. i wish i could say the thoughts of ever picking up again a drink again would be gone forever, but the thoughts, however fleeting and trivial now, still pop every once in awhile to remind me of what i need to keep doing. one of the more recent thoughts, as i was sharing with someone just the other day was, "ohhhh just one..."! i find it tremendously subtle and ridiculous because i never, ever had just one. nope. anyways still doing what i need to do there i hope, meetings and such, and even had a chance to tell my story again this summer.

still hitting the gym and the pool with a regular frequency and lovin it! tried some new things this summer like protein powders and cla with some success. turns out i put on some muscle and toned up a bit more, yet this made the scale tip up, which freaked me out completely. so as of the last time i got on the scale, that was the last time i'll ever do that again. just don't need to know the # anymore. its kind of like me and running too, the last time (july) was the last time. i have been lifting less and swimming more though. trying to get in 100+ laps a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. i just can't get over how much i love, love, love to swim. so mediatative, blissful and removed from the outside world and i feel great after with a deep burning in my legs, chest and cheeks, the ones on my face that is.

i even went out on a limb this summer and tried some new things. july and some of august i practiced with the minneapolis mayhem, our fair city's own gay rugby team! if you want an intense workout that will kick your ass try that. if all the running and sprinting weren't enough they throw in a ball to make it more fun. i guess i got so excited everytime i caught the damn thing that i would forget to run and would be tagged. thankfully the tackling and such they save for the regular season, which i bowed out before it began due to time constraints, money and lack of health insurance. i admit i was bit scared, but i did try and may evn try again next year, who knows.

i did have to keep some time open for the other sport/art i started last summer-BALLET! i took a beginners class for 6ish weeks this summer at zenon dance company and fell in love with it, so much so that i signed up for a progressive year long class spread out over three sessions. kind of rigid and formal, but fun, fun, fun! my new intsructor is amazing and i feel i've learned more in the last 3 classes than i did all summer. ballet was something i have wanted to do since i was a little closeted 10 year old boy. i, nor the little backwoods town i grew up in (ok mostly me) was just unable to bear what i thought the stigma would be. kind of like boy cheerleaders in high school, yeah they may not be gay, but come on.... anyways i finally took the opportunity to try it and love it. i hope it makes me taller, more graceful and helps my posture too, but if not, i at least have the cute shoes to remember it by.

the photo showing process is coming around again too finally. i'm at the point where i think about it a lot more and now realize i need to get some of my own shit together and f'in do it, or it'll never get done. trying to set realistic goals and making the effort to reach them instead of hoping and praying that i'll be discovered. more details to follow....

i saw andrew bird at the zoo this summer and get to see him again at his sold out show at the blb in less then 2 weeks! i can harldy wait. lucked out and saw low twice too, and the first of the two times they closed with one of my all time favorites, will the night. i have been thinking seriously about a tattoo inspired by this song and have been wrestling with the idea for a a few months now. low has been such a major part of my come up'ins whether they realize it or not. they were the soundtrack of my late teens and 20's. they were who i listened to while i got high and drunk alone in my tiny apartment in the hills of kenwood here in minneapolis and oddly enough their last record came out on my 1 year sobriety anniversary. just the fact that i'll always have the tat kind of freaks me out a bit.

i feel like i've missed a bunch of stuff but whatever. now that i got this first chunk out i feel i can start maybe blogging again on a more regular/irregular basis. i keep you posted on that one.....

where am i.....

2006-08-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

i guess that last post a few months ago may have been misleading. i went up north for the weekend and promptly came back. i guess i did that this last weekend too. busy, busy, busy and not ever a thing to do. do you know the feeling?

more to come in the upcoming days.....

bye, bye....

2006-05-12T13:11:00.000-07:00

i've gone north.....

the new week....

2006-05-09T16:15:00.000-07:00

this last weekend i found myself quite busy. worked on saturday so i could go to mayday on sunday. the parade and festival were both quite lovely, but something quite didn't feel the same. maybe it was because it was the first time i was there sober or without a huge mayday crew. i went to a brunch were i only knew my maydaydate, miss am'o, which was okay and actually forced me to meet some new people. went to the parade and found myself moved at some moments, confused at others, but overall filled with a sense of contentment. had to leave following the parade to deliver a catering order for work, but came right back after. caught up with my datye and wondered through the park for awhile and hung out with old friends. this like something other things aren't the same anymore since i've become sober. it was great to be present and part of the day, i guess that sense of detatchment i got from boozin' and usin' still feeels like it should be there sometimes, when in fact it never should have been. did that make sense? i'm not even quite sure if i "get it" yet.

monday was supposed to be my quit date for smoking. i made it until almost 3 o'clock when on auto-pilot i walked to the market and got a pack. i have cut down drastically. i have only smoked 10 cigarettes in the last two days, when i normally would have put away a pack and half. i'm still hanging on to the idea and hope to be in a better place by next monday. gonna try some gum action and just not give up yet. it is indeed a lot hard then i thought it would be. i thought i'd be filled with boundless energy, instead i was sleeping standing up and completely out of it. i know at some point i will have to completely detox before the physical cravings quit.

got my mile done in the pool today and it even seemed harder, could smoking be making me a better swimmer? i think i'm overthinking it. i had made a choice to not go to a meeting on tuesday, but i'm out of town all weekend and probably should get an extra meeting or two in before then. just 3 more work days until i get to drive on out odf minneapolis........

friday is the weekend.....

2006-05-05T20:29:00.000-07:00

so lovely to have a day off during the week, just so i can sleep in and no others are at work. i did sleep in today and loved it. i always think i'll get up early on my days off but 10:30 isn't noon if that counts for anything. i did have a productive day though. went to work and got paid (hey i finally got a legimate raise), banking, cd shopping (sadly nothing), laundry, lunch, coffee with a friend, haircut and laps in the pool. i set a new personal distance record for myself today-50 laps in under an hour!! i can't get over how much i love, love, love to swim. the downtown y pool is so beautiful with its two story south facing windows and their is something about being under the weight of the water being completely devoided of sound and other distractions. topped it off with a meeting and dinner with firends. sadly my two days off are being interupted by a shift tomorrow, but only so i can go to mayday on sunday. i even have a maydaydate. its with a girl, but i hope she opens doors for me and brings me flowers......

mania, mania, mania.....

2006-05-03T12:33:00.000-07:00

i have been finding myself a little on edge at work these last few weeks. i think in retrospect i have been a bit manic. an either all or nothing kind of thing. i'm just throwing this out there not really even knowing if i know what it is? yesterday bad, today great?! not questioning, just goin' with it.

i am soooooooo jazzed for the mayday parade and festival this weeknd i can hardly wait. i have been unable or unwilling to go for the last 3 or 4 years now. so my return on my current terms of sobriety sounds triumphant. the last few years i did go i was drunk by noon and out by 3. not such a pretty picture. it used to be such an amazing experience, when i was present, oh ramble ramble.... i just can't wait to go again.

i have to get outside. it could snow......

where did april go....

2006-05-01T19:13:00.000-07:00

as it turns out i didn't post once in april. ooops my bad. part of the month my internet was out due to my bill not being in, fixed that then the modem went. apathy set in, work-work-work, not really feeling this as much lately, nice weather then bad-shit the list just goes on and on and on .......

anyways today was may 1st and the immigration walkout was in full effect! 95+% of the kitchen staff were out and the bare bones crew did their best to keep up but the effect was noticeable. i had to work today for many different reasons, but tried to do my part by not spending any $$$ today. i really want some ice cream right now but i will not break down. i'm not terribly political, but i think this falls in with equality issues and the like, so i tried to do a little bit anyways.

i have been taking pictures again and feel inspired more than ever to work. i have been trying to discipline myself to dedicate more time to this, and it's starting to come around. i'm trying to cut down a few meetings as well as days at the gym and just get serious about making something, fucking anything at this point. the ideas are flying like X induced ephinanies, minus the obvious, and i know i just need to hang on a bit and it'll happen in all due time.

money stuff sucks.

springtime rocks twice as hard as the previous.

lilacs, deeper greens, open windows, tanned smiles.....

"star" sightings....

2006-03-29T12:39:00.000-08:00

so my obsessive obsession with andrew bird finally came to a head a few days back. he came into the big lil' bakery! he is in town recording a new album and came in for a quick bite. i must admit i was star struck at first and played it pretty cool. i couldn't not say something, so i did. he was polite and as werid as his music. he didn't offer to sing to me, or even play violin for that matter but whatever. i still think he's one of the best out there right now.

my seminar finished last night finally! it feels good to have come full circle on something. i learned some new things about myself that i have taken to heart and put into action and have already seen results from. vague yes, but neat huh? i realized mostly that i can be petty, contolling and compulsive but also loving, caring, loyal and amazing. just a short list from both sides of the aisle (good and bad). mostly things feel up, up, up.

still swimming, lifting and running and maintaining the same weight! it is just number......

things to do:

re pot some plants

get my bike out again

make some art

call/write some friends

blah, blah, blah. this list could go on. and to that i say bring it....

one month ago....

2006-03-16T09:19:00.000-08:00

wow has life been busy and crazy this last month. ebbing and flowing between gigantic highly charged events and lulling smooth moments of downtime. ebb and flow. my favorite descriptor for life.

so much has happened lets see.

i had an awesome party for my 25th month of sobriety. once in minneapolis and once in duluth, in that order. both fablulous and amazing. i am constantly blown away by the fact some people are still in my life. i was an awful, nasty, mean drunk and by all accounts shouldn't be around either, but so very touching to get to hang out with people who want to be with me still. this aspect of my sobriety is something that keeps me very much grounded in gratitude. simply amazing.

i got to see andrew bird twice that weekend asd well. i had no ticket for the fine line show, but got one from a hot guy in an argyle sweater, who i couldn't locate once inside. i drove to duluth the next night in a snow storm for the aforementioned party and got to see andrew bird again at weber music hall. both shows were different and lovely in their own ways.

the spiritual seminar i started awhile ago is coming to a head and while some things are scary and awful to look at, but i am ready to move on from this and start anew. i have been putting off any major decisions until this is done. come spring though watch out!

i finally got a raise at work, last week. the $$$ amount is still be discussed. at this point anything would help. obviously more would be better, we'll see. the seminar i'm in has really been helping me with work too. i was getting really stressed, irratible and cranky and this was starting to effect my co-workers. i always forget to let go of the small stuff. ugggh.

last weekend was apparently the time for surprise minneapolis visits. i had some friends (that i knew about) coming to minneapolis from south/north dakota, but a friend flew in from philly, miss mary lee and j from san fran. all for different reasons. got to spend a good amount of quality time i thought/hoped with everybody and hope they know that i love them all and they have the most beautiful faces ever. (i have been listening to the flaming lips again.) hung out with mary on and off over the weekend. got to see j at ben's surprise party. went to belle and sebastian with toni and janine (dakotas) on sunday. whatta treat that was. i have always wondered what they looked like. how they got sucha full and delicous sound. well alot of people and great timing really helps. high energy and catchy riffs does too. whatta a glorious, glorious show. i even got to see some old duluth buddies who came down to see the show too, and who actually got us the tickets. thanks yo!

much is happening this weekend. i just today realized that tomorrow is st. patrick's day. this holiday used to frighten me and cause me to get pretty introspective. three years ago, it was what i thought was the beginning of the end. i started partying so hard and used to use the date as my start point. somehow, one night became one month which became 10 months of non-stop partying and things slowly slipped away, myself included. so i really don't do anything to celebrate obviously, but lay low and wait for the veneral equinox. so close, so soon....

at the speed of...

2006-02-16T15:15:00.000-08:00

it seems like the new year had just begun and now february is almost over. weird yes, but even mor exciting because march and spring are so close!! have been staying pretty busy with work, workin out and meetings. always lots of little things for sure, but nothing major.

started taking an intensive 7 week course on digging deep into the resentments and personal conflicts that are stopping me from becoming more spiritual. the idea is to locate them, document them, rectify them and hopefully grow from it. the class isn't just for alcoholics and they draw resource material from all over. the first class on tuesday was a bit odd and scary but i want to stick it out.

next week i get to see andrew bird and haley bonar at the fine line. two of my faves on one stage, yeah! the last concert i went to was the low holiday show i think. i used to see tons of bands, which may have been a cover for going out and getting drunk. not always though. i guess i'm just a bit more selective these days and prefer a sit down concert venue to a rowdy bar show. less variables to be concerned with + people at concert venues tend to be there for the music and less for the social aspect.

i ripped my swimsuit in the spin dryer at the gym on tuesday and got a new one yesterday. couldn't quite commit to a full on brief style speedo, but ended up with a sleek pair of black nike jammers (mid to lower thigh). what a difference it has made though! i was swimming in trunks for awhile and without all the extra drag i just glide and glide through the water. i did 40 laps today! a new distance record for myself which works out to be a mile and quarter. i am constantly amazed by the human body and how mine is rebounding. so new suit great, getting awful. i had to go to bloomington or richfield or somewhere that wasn't minneapolis and boy i discovered how much i dislike the suburbs.l why i ask, why would anyone live there?! this rant could go on forever so we'll just leave it at that.

i went to a dinner thrown by an old roommate of mine, on the occasion of celebrating my two years of sobriety. dinner was so amazing and hanging out with friends who i once used to put behind getting fucked up was an amazing testament to my sobriety. i am so grateful these people + new ones are in my life, and want to be too! they almost all gave me fancy, high end chocalates. something i am starting to gather a taste for, but i felt a little odd getting gifts.

i picked up an extra shift at the big lil' bakery tomorrow for whatever reason-oh yeah i'm poor. i did however get some very, very exciting employment news and details to follow i promise.........

rolling over and sleeping in....

2006-02-01T12:22:00.000-08:00

i can not wait until my next day off, which sadly isn't until this saturday, so i can sleep, get up and take a nap. i went and saw a friends low key accoustic guitar show at lee's liquor lounge last night and even left at 10 like i told myself. i got home and just kept pushing the time to go to bad back further and further. so to compensate for that i overslept for the first time as the opening manager at the big lil' bakery and woke up with quite the start when my phone rang. it actually didn't even ring it vibrated on my night stand and that was enough. oddly what i do in an hour can be jam packed into 30 minutes, but i'll never tell.

set a new distance and time record for myself in the pool yesterday. 36 laps in 45 minutes. i'm trying to work up to a mile for some reason, which is 52 laps, check back this summer. speaking of summer, i hope to be tanktoppable by then, and as noted i'm seeing results from my short time in the pool already and lost an additional 5 pounds since i've started. only 15 more to go.

i'm still reeling in way from not getting back on the job i was on last year. $$$ yes of course, but i really want to travel and don't really have the funds to do so yet. i want to make a trip out west and hit sf and portland, and found myself wondering the other day if my little car would make it, and survive after that too.

more and more things are starting to come together for the completion of an art project that i have been bemoaning since last summer. when things aren't just right for me i'm a slow mover, but i have been crutching off this for too long and actually need to make SOMETHING if i ever plan on exhibiting again. i know it'll happen when it's ready but i have to make some progress towards that too i guess.

ohhhh we had such an intense, thick, fluffy snow last night i loved it. sure driving around sucked a bit but fresh powder makes everything seem picturesque and wonderfillled.....

everything.....in its right place........

2006-01-27T22:03:00.000-08:00

the sun must be aligning just right for me, cause lately things have been feeling pretty f'in good. i can't question it, mock it, stray too far from what i'm doing-for fear it will go away. i've been feeling blessed and blissed. loved and star kissed. my needle has hit the groove and i'm swimming in gratitude. tired in the right places but still movin on with it.......

to, two, too, tu-tu, 2.....

2006-01-25T11:59:00.000-08:00

today is my 2 year sobriety birthday. i can't believe i've made it this far.

little miracles.

thank you.......

here today, gone tomorrow....

2006-01-22T12:39:00.000-08:00

well it seems like it was my birthday only yesterday and now the month is almost over?! where did all that time go. as planned my trip up north was absolutely wonderful. a nice quiet dinner on the north shore, visit with a few friends, lunch with the grandparents the next day and then back again to hang out with an old friend who was spending the night. we finally got to see the new/old warhol exhibit at the walker, and i was kind of let down. i think of warhol as being much more flashy and fantastic than this show really featured. their were some good pieces and i was happy to finally be seeing it and with such a lovely friend too!

i have been wanting to swim laps again and have been quite afraid for some reason to just start up. i do have little fears like this that still come up. so i just did it. i swam 18 laps the first day, 24 a few days later, 30 a few more later and 18 yesterday, which was supposed to be my day off but i really wanted to wim, and i'm taking today off instead. it is has only been 10 ish adys, but i'm already starting to see some results. i'm only 15ish pounds off from where i wanted to be, which will hopefully be by this summer.

the job has been humming along as usual, and i'm going to hit my boss up for a raise tomorrow. i just got one a few months back when i was promoted, but i feel i have worked beyond the level i'm paid for from the start. if not i may start looking passsively on the side. i just can't keep up the hectic, chaotic pace without being compensated. i love my co-workers and job at the big lil' bakery, it's just not making the ends meet.

the most exciting thing though is still yet to come. in less than 3 days i'll have two years of sobriety. today is day 729 which, like everyday, feels like a little miracle. cheesy yes, trite no! i still sometimes can't believe it.

i just gave my plant efrom a shower and can't wait to take a bath myself. a hot soak with mineral salts sounds like just what the doctor would order, if i had one that is......

......to me

2006-01-11T14:33:00.000-08:00

well tomorrow is my birthday and i have to say i'm quite indifferent to the whole thing. i'll be 31. this isn't my first sober birthday so that's not so much the shock, or lack thereof. i guess due to many things i'm not doing a whole lot in celebration. i miss birthday dinners at the times-in a simpler time that was, maybe it was more complicated and i just don't remember it as such. so no ice skating parties, dinners at the king and i or punk rock keggers thankfully.

i'm heading up north either tonight or tomorrow to spend the day with family and friends. i'm supposed to get a hot stone massage then dinner at a new restaurant on the north shore that sounds amazing-nokomis.

if and when i blow out the candles i'll make the same wish i always do and probably always will...........

random....

2006-01-04T15:49:00.000-08:00

well i wish i could say it felt like the holidays are over for me, but not quite yet. 1 week and 1 day until my birthday and three weeks from today until my 2 year anniversary, which are great. these are followed by valentines day, which i think may be one of may be my least favorite holiday. that's not necessarily true, that's just the bitter gay man in me talking. i have putting off getting my last two gifts in the mail and went out today to get wrapping paper finally. apparently january 3rd (yesterday) was the day to get any and all holiday related items out of the store. guess i missed it. ooops.

so i have been feeling a wee bit "seasonal" lately. not on edge or really, really depressed, just kind of blah. last night i was even thinking/dreaming about the lush, rich, vivid landscape that minneapolis becomes in the warmer months and felt very warm if only for a moment. somebody pointed out to me that the sun hasn't shone here in minneapolis for like 2 weeks or more. i do belive it was the friday before christmas. the sun did bust out today for something like 2 minutes and i thought i was going to lose it went it went away again. at least we are at the point in the year where we are heading back into the light. how many days until spring comes?

happy, happy new year.....

2006-01-01T13:44:00.000-08:00

3.......

2005-12-29T15:43:00.000-08:00

i guess i haven't been blogging much as i have wanted lately. i've wanted to finish this stream of thought i had started, almost a month ago now. the whole idea behind this exercise came from a friend in duluth who asked me what its like to go to bars now. the first and second posts which ended up being a very vague, yet self exploratory, version of my story. it got a bit off topic and rambley. funny thing was 2 or 3 days after i started this i was actually telling my story to room full of gay drunks at a meeting, weird huh?

well after i left minneapolis on halloween 2002 i though things could only get better. for a very brief time they may have. i was the new housemate of a friend i have known now for almost 20 years. the loose plan was to just chill out and get my bearings straight again. i was laying low and started to go out a little bit here and there, but before i knew it i was wasted again and a lot. in a small town word gets around and i started to get funny looks from people. the frequency with which i heard "i saw you last night man and you were wasted. did you remember running into me at such and such bar?" i more than likely shook it off and said sure, but more than likely not. i was starting to spin out of control again. not aided by the extra ciricular things i was doing in minneapolis i seemed to get drunk faster and harder. within a months time i came home and fell onto an antique end table shattering it, fell asleep with a pizza in the oven and had alienated another long time friend. with a little more time i would loose another job and freak out more people.

things went on like this for almost a half a year. i would try and hide my drinking better, but when you're 265 pounds and blowing a .3 its like elephants in ballet point shoes. i was doing things i wasn't even aware of. things like respirating and sweating so much alcohol that i was detectable from across a room and the distance between blackouts was shortening. at some point i should have learned to cool it, or stop on my own. even ultimatems like choose me or alcohol didn't even phase me. in retropspect i see that my alcoholic was trying to keep the party going, so turning my drinking problem back on someone else seemed ok. at about the six month mark my friend asked me to move out and not call until i got help. i was seething with "this is your fault and has nothing to do with me" and still kept on going.

as far as bars go i was 86'ed from one, had a huge bar tab at another and started to get a bad rep from the cabbies that would scoop me up everynight. at some point hanging out in bars became a part time job. i would work until 9 or 10 and then drink as much as i could as late as i could everynight of the week. i continued to blackout more and more. a friend described my nights like i could drink and drink and drink-they'd turn their back and-bam-the lights were off. at one point i was passing out at the bar, and bartenders were calling friends trying to figure out what to do with me. i didn't even know what to do with me, how would anyone else? i would usually wake up the next day and check my phone for out going calls to try and piece my nights back together. followed by checking my wallet and pockets to see how much money i had left, assess my health, throw up, spend the rest of the day trying to feel physically better, go back to my real job to make enough money to go back out again and do it all over again and again and again......

within one year i had burned through numerous friendships, three apartments, detox twice, outpatient treatment for one day, fired from one job and getting closed to be fired from the current one and having to make up another lie to move into my mom's house at 29 years old, something to the effect of my housemates hate me and blah blah blah. the "idea" was that i would save up enough money to do another geographic rehab. as far as minneapolis to duluth went i kicked what i had been doing so much and so often in the one city, but way over-compensated by drinking even more. thankfully i never made it out west.

living at home should have been enough to get me to stop drinking but it didn't. [at this point scroll to top of this post and repeat]. it wasn't until almost getting kicked out by own mother that i decided to get some help a few months later. january 25, 2004. thankfully i haven't had a drink since then.

as far as going out is concerned i don't think i went out or into a bar until i had been sober for 6+ months. it was a well thought out plan with other sober peers. we had a plan to watch out for each other, stay close by, to support each other and had an exit plan. the exit plan was very simple and i still use it today. if at anytime someone or myself is uncomfortable we/i leave. no let me finish this or 5 minutes, NOW. basically if i'm in a good condition i can be anywhere i want as long as i have a reason to be there. i went out with peers for along time and very rarely, if ever went out alone.

i started to go to more sit down concerts versus bar shows. the patios at coffee shops versus colas at a bars. not going to places i have no business being at, hanging out with people i know i shouldn't be with and basically changing how i felt about the whole scene. downtown on weekeds are still pretty dicey and house parties kind of make me a bit nervous as their are so many variables to take into account and if i'm unsure or have doubts i WILL NOT go. i have my own boundaries and i respect them for what they are and why they are there to begin with. dealing with drunk people really doesn't bother me that much as i have been there and worse plenty to know whats going on. two big and pretty obvious things that you may not do, ecspecially if you know i'm sober, one is push/offer booze to me joking or not and the other is to tell me you wish i still drank. these seem self-explanatory.

i had a pretty big "ah-ha" moment this last summer when i was just out to hang out with some friends at a gay bar up north. i wasn't feeling on edge or in danger, was having an ok time but really just wanted to be at home reading my book. so i said my goodbyes and i left. for someone who didn't remember leaving a bar most of the times he went in one this was pretty huge. my life is really focused on getting up earlier than it is about staying up and out as late as possible.

it reminds me of a time i saw an awesome live show at a beer bar in duluth while i was still drinking. the band wrapped up around midnight and i had just started to get going. i asked a friend if he was going to a liquor bar up the road for last call. he said "no, that their wouldn't be any magic there" like he had just experienced at the show. "what?!"i thought and headed there anyways with a brisk clip, and continued to get as drunk as i liked to back then. it was a big let down compared to the previous high energy show, but that was ok because i was drinking. at some point the going out and having a few became less about fun and more about being necessary. i had stopped doing the things i had done and once loved. family, friends, art, exercise, living and all for a seat at the bar........

part two....

2005-12-09T10:25:00.000-08:00

so that summer of being unemployed or unemployable, or able to stay employed, was a wicked hot summer. i had a cute studio+, a block from the walker art center, in the kenwood neighborhood that i couldn't ever really afford. my east facing windows were just above the next building enough to be flooded with light everyday early. which also meant my little hot box of an apartment started cooking then. i would often find myself trying to fall asleep/pass out at this time and would alwyas wake up drenched in sweat, dehydrated and hungover. to move at all in the heat meant sweating, so as a bloated alcoholic filled to the gills with vodka from the night before i was consistently excreting a river of toxins. evening time wasn't much of a reprieve but i did spend many evenings in the air condition comfort of the local bars.

things were in a steady decline at this point. i kept losing jobs, friends were uninterested in hanging out with me, even in the rare sober moments, and my drinking buddies were only around if i had $$$ to be around. i had been to housing court once and almost evicted, but managed to talk my way out of it. my place was even much of a home. i never moved in entirely. no bed, nothing on the walls, no furniture, no working phone-i think you get the idea. i was just there to pass out, bathe, change clothes, ect. i spent alot of time out at the bars or out and about, as my place never was inviting. i never really invited friends over, it was quite embarrasing.

i was still on the dole at this point and would live high off the hog for a crazy, insane few days and then be out shoplifting dinner at a gas station and trying to figure out how many beers my money would buy me and would it be enough. with a budget and and without the monster monkeys on my back i almost could have made the ends meet. instead i would call up my folks and hit them up for rent $$$ with some lie or another, and then sometimes not even pay rent with it.

somehow i got the wait job i had lost back. i played it cool for awhile and before i knew it, it was business as usual. keeping with that i was fired again. the steady decline was more like a nose dive at this point. i was going to be evicted again, but my landlords gave me the option to move out-"to just go". at the same time an old friend of mine offered me housing in duluth and i thought i had hit bottom. in a shaky, teary blur i packed up the things i felt i couldn't leave behind. mostly photography, art, clothes, the cds i hadn't sold, a half a set of dishes (the other half i left dirty in the sink) and asst. odds and ends. i could only take what would fit in a ford taurus. i left that place in such a shambles. 3 or 4 lawn bags full of bottles and trash, half of my wardrobe and a bunch of mystery items which i still in vain sometimes look for and can't remember where i put. this was it things had to give. a new life removed from all the other crazies who were letting/making me drink and party so much. i felt i was coming back home with my tail between my legs and thw only way to go would be up. it couldn't possibly get worse right.........

bars and stars:what it was like....part 1

2005-12-06T17:45:00.000-08:00

i started going out to the bars a few months before i turned 21. i had recently relocated to duluth and the only "real" outlet for gay culture was the one bar at the time. i got grandfathered in because on my first night there i had a fling with the bartender and was welcome back any night he was there. i discovered this only worked on his nights on, other less attractive bartenders weren't so nice about it. up until that point i really didn't drink all that much. having had some bad experiences previously and knowing the history of my family kind of kept me in check, as far as alcohol went. i over did other things at the time. that autumn and the following winter were probably the first spree i ever had. so i found myself living in duluth again with my best friend at the time and she and i were miserable. we had few friends remaining there and things just seemed bleak. ice, drink, repeat. we weren't even cocktail drinkers. just a few shots too many here and there. thinking back on this time things weren't all that bad, but the misery and loneliness does stand out.

the next year i moved back and things just kind of snowballed from there. i remember going out for just a few cocktails at this german place with a killer patio. seriously just a few, but almost every night. 2 became 3 which begat 4 and so on and so forth. i can't really pin point a time or a reson, but i liked the taste and feelings of drinking and being out and about. at some point my life bagan to revolve around this schedule. i worked afternoons and evenings and got off in enough time to go out for a few hours every night. things really strted to progress in this hazy period as my blackouts became more frequent. sparadic but the pattern began to form.

i was really buying into my own line of crap that i was a budding socialite and i had an audience and appearances to keep up-so the going out and drinking was justified. ha! right? i was constantly morphing the people i hung out with so that i was in the company of people who liked to party like i did, which was alot. kind of like trading up, but not really.

somehow i really began to party and the person i once was had been replaced by the socialite. i was out on the town every night. staying in was the exception. i was on some guest lists and knew bartenders and was getting hooked up all over town which really fed the entitlement issues i was having. i dissed people hard and basically did what i wanted. i one night consciencously made a decision to regret nothing, which i would really come to regret.

i traded in a job i liked in the arts, with salary, so i could wait tables and basically party all night. i really couldn't be bothered with actually being at work at 10 or 11 or 2 sometimes. i thought i had it all figured out and felt completely invincible and infallible. here was a job were i could drink and party at work and they would never fire me because i was such a character and a customer favorite. of course this wasn't all true. i discovered that when i was fired.

somehow i managed to scrimp and scam enough to keep this little lie of a life going. of course no one else really knew what was going on. the shambles of my life was a well kept secret and not some wickedly ugly drama that was unfolding in the laps of people that still cared about me, the old me. yes things were kept well under wraps, or at least thats what i thought......

did i mention....

2005-12-03T20:35:00.000-08:00

oh yeah i am-err i was in duluth for the last few days. details forthcoming. just busying myself with unpacking and getting caught up around the homestead before i have to go back to the big lil' bakery tomorrow. damn sunday brunchers....

a turkey, 22, and off i go...

2005-11-27T20:53:00.000-08:00

i guess i fell off the "i'll try and post everyday" wagon a few days back-ooops. i was just thinking what has happened in the last few days-oh yeah thanksgiving. this year, once again, i have so much to be thankful and grateful for. my mom went out of state and my dad lives out of state, so i was sort of orphaned this year again. i luckily had an invite to an awesome thanksgiving dinner at my friend billy's house. a good number of people came and went that day and i felt so comfortable there. i even got to carve the turkey! i love to carve. my grandfather taught me how before his hands got too bad from carpal tunnel. the funny thing about billy's was i new i was scared to go, mainly because i didn't want anyone to know i was scared not to go and be alone for a holiday, and i'm so glad i did go. i feel like i got to hang out with people who i know from meetings and even socialize with, but whom i never get to have great one on one conversations with.

i hit 22 months on friday and that was pretty big in my book. worked with my new sponsees some, went to some meetings and even got to meet with my sponsor too!

i picked up some extra shifts this weekend at work as i'll be heading out of town later this week and the time away will be much appreciated and surely needed by then....

a state of mind/mine....

2005-11-22T20:37:00.000-08:00

i have been thinking about an occurence i had last week. i was on my way home with a pint of ben & jerrys (1 of 2 last week)at about 9pm on a thursday. i was heading home from the local bodega when i was passed by three decked out punkesque girls obviously out for a big night. i must have been in a pre-ice cream trance as i didn't recognize one of the girls, whom i knew, until she said a quick hey hows it going in passing. just two acquaintances passing on the street but no big deal.

it did get my mind spinning and starting to trick me. i started to lament the fact that i was going home instead of going out and where was my edge, my chaosity. the funniest thing is when i reflect back on what i was like i remember (falsely) myself as having man make up and an elton john wardrobe. if you know me this is really funny as i tend to look more like a j crew catalog (solid earth tone colors and natural fibers) versus a gucci ad (poly black monchromes with wet hair and makeup.) then i start to wonder, where did my clothes go? i never wore make up-ok maybe once or twice-and i still dress basically the same. the fabulousness i remember tends to be chemically induced. my life and its intensity wwere so distorted by alcohol that i bought into my whole line of faulty thinking, even in glimpses of the past today.

a day or two before halloween three years ago i knew i was leaving minneapolis for duluth. the idea was a geographic move would help my problems-drugs and alcohol, which as this blog has shown from its inception that indeed did not. i was driving around with an old co-worker bar hopping, getting high in the process, but mostly freaking out. i feared most winding up in some wranglers and a flannel. he told me one of the best pieces of advice ever-girrrrrrrl you have the right to remain fabulous. ok maybe not best ever, but good.

so i figured out before i got to my little sanctuary of an apartment here on the southside that i was indeed excited to be going home, that i don't really need anymore chaos than what life tosses at me, that i am fabulous and cute and hey where are the spoons.....

the sabbath.....

2005-11-20T21:16:00.000-08:00

i guess the biggest flipside to having a friday on thursday is that your monday is sunday. i worked early this morning and it wasn't that bad. things are starting to slow down at the cafe and they just caught up the schedule and are over-staffing. good for customers, bad for tip pooling. no major dramas, no insane customers, it just was.

had a fractured afternoon after work. decided to skip the gym (naughty, naughty) and get caught up on some cooking and bill paying. the fun stuff. i also had to get my car to a shop in deep south minneapolis for an early monday am appt. was on the phone with my mom, when my friend called and said he could take me to the shop, not at 8 but right then at 5. call waiting and it's a friend from out of town, surprise, whom i haven't seen in over a year, wants to come over and go to a meeting later, line 2 again, my sponsor, wants to meet for a mutual missed meeting on friday, can't. ride is on its way, dinner is only 1/3 of the way done, call back mom-gotta go. go to the shop come back, friend comes over, get dinner ready to go in oven-he has already eaten, i'm unshowered. quick wrap dinner, shower and shave, chill and chat and go to a meeting. awesome meeting. good, no great people, great topic, great shares, great fellowship after (breif) and home to finally cook dinner. ohhhhh it was so good and even somewhat healthy. low fat factor wrecked by peanut butter brownie i buy from the lil' big bakery on lyndale and finally some downtime. $$$$$ stuff rots the brain and i finally start and complete most of the bill pay process. the whole paying for services and goods i have received is a new thing. i'm not sure what i did 2 years ago. oh yeah it wasn't much and it was usually cash. the waitress days. i sure could use some of that kind of tip money now, but not the insanity. i guess i did get a good amount done today. enough to be happy anyways. got to see a ton of happy shiny peeps and feel ok to go into tomorrow anew......

for arts sake....

2005-11-19T16:11:00.000-08:00

i feel a bit more inspired then i did a few days back. my old time frined sienna was down with another firend and we hit many, many art shows. i tend to go check out alot of art by myself, that and the gym are my main bachelor hobbies, so it was nice to have some art lovin' company. ran into an old friend at an opening last night, someone whom i haven't seen since san francisco circa 1999 as well as another artict, and i foresee great things happening there. they both have so much talent and drive, i hope some of that rubs off.

besides the alec soth photographs at the nash gallery, i would have to say the highlight of the afternoon was a wonderful late lunch at cafe barbette. i alwys forget how much i love it there. we had a perfect corner bistro bench table (?) with a view of all the comings and goings of west lake street and the setting sun. the candles were lit and amazing cheeses were served. are gregarious server was just flirty enough and very proficent, to make the experince evn more memorable. ummmmmm portland blue cheese i love you.....

busy, busy, busy

2005-11-19T00:38:00.000-08:00

sleep in, go to work for check, bank, gym,lunch, grocery shopping, veras, dinner, meeting, coffee, art opening, babalu, gay 90's-sleep......

thursday=friday

2005-11-17T21:23:00.000-08:00

i have waited all week for today. for most people out there, their is still one more day of work, but for me today is my friday. granted i work on sundays-that is so beside the point. i get to stay up late and do all the things i have been putting off. fun stuff like making cds, knitting some and right now i'm listening to a live andrew bird concert on fabchannel.com. its actually video on demand, but i can't watch him and blog at the same time. i may have to bounce back and forth.

i was a bit late for work, which wasn't a big deal, i just felt bad, more like guilty...ugggghhh. it just makes me seem a bit off if i don't have some adequate me time in the a.m. i even felt like taking a half day, but i tyhought "dammit i made it this far in the week, i can do it." i did indeed make it but that last hour was hard.

finally took my car into the shop and have an appointment for monday. this guy better be good as i drove past several shops to get there. everytime i bring his name up though i hear good things, so i feel a bit better. the car must be scared a bit too, because the problem fixed itself today. it will probably be broken again tomorrow, so in to the shop she goes regardless.

well 2 days of blogging, in a row. can you belive it?

2005-11-16T23:01:00.000-08:00

so much has happened in the last ten days i feel like an accurate post would be like a mind dump on all of you readers, anonymous as you are. speaking of-you can comment on any or all of these posts, it helps to make this feel less one sided. anyways i'll try to post more often. if readers comment more. or whatever-this sounds like hostage negotiations....

the new job is going along quite well and i've been kicking myself in the pants for not going full time sooner. oh well hindsight is always 20-20. just like my vision still. i have been picking up some manager shifts and the momentum is building to hopefully just getting paid like manager even when i'm not. i guess it happens eventually-that is according to the manager hire before me. the other job, the high paying traveling one, seems like it might be out of the question for next year. i am a bit down, but not out yet! luckily i made some of my own connections last year and hopefully that will pay off.

the weather dropped like like a shit ton of bricks and all hell has broken loose! yes i'm excited. i was hoping to ease into winter with a fluffy dusting of fun snow complete with sledding and hot cocoas, but no we get an ice storm and some deep freeze january nonsensical bulllllshit. the two big problems i'm encountering right now are the lack of blowing air from my car's supposed heater, which really wasn't a problem on sunday, and the abundance of blowing air into my apartment-from outside. i guess "classic apartment" sometimes means shotty windows. luckily i don't pay for heat, but unfortunately it must be on during the day when i'm at work. wow this sounds pisssssy. ok, i shut all the storm windows and have called the manager about the really ugly ones, we'll see.

my photo class was kind of a waste as i didn't get as much out of it as i had hoped. the brunt of my work has been medium format color and the class was black and white. i thought i could get something out of it, but just found myself having a hard time "seeing" in black and white again. i guess i didn't access it enough and the $$$ i put out would have been better spent on paying a lab to make some prints for me. short of going digital, for outputs only, i have to come up with something or i feel i might go crazy. i need to figure out how to ease back into this again. it feels a bit forced, but a wait and see attitude is seeming a bit too laissez-faire.........

i'm still hitting 2 to 4 meetings a week and feel great about the direction of my recovery though. over the weekend i got 2 sponsees and i'm soooooo excited and scared. they both that i am-it is rigorous honesty after all, but i only hope i can do for them what my sponsor and others have done for me. i have been sober now for 661 days-oh that looks so weird. you can figure out your number of days here. sometimes i forget that i have come such a long way and hardly remember who that person was, and then bam it all comes back to me and i recall why this whole amazing journey started in the first place. oh life......

in closing i have been trying to be diligent about eating better and working out more consistently. you'll be glad to know i'm down to 2ish pints a week of ben&jerrys. things would be better had they not come out with this though. in spite of that evil new flavor i have finally hit my lil' mini goal of getting under the 200 pound mark. 197 is ever so slightly under that, but on the gym scale-which i only go on once a week, i move the big block one stop less now, and damn that feels great........

breaking free from the herd......

2005-11-05T19:29:00.000-08:00

i had my last day at the corp. coffee shop today. i wish i could say i was done dealing with ultra-high maintenance suburban uptowners, but no such luck. my new job provides me with plenty of them, but at least they tip more, which makes the workin easier-sort of. i am looking forward to getting into my new schedule of 5 days a week(2 days off every week and in a row!) and stepping up to my new promotion and trying to keep kicking ass and not taking the whining and crying of the customers personal. when i was at the pizza place the mantra was "it's just fuckin' pizza" substitue brunch and you get the idea.

speaking of taking things personally - another blast from my early recovery past popped into my life again today at the big gay coffee shop after work. granted it was over someone else's phone at a different table and the caller was 2,000 miles away but bam! early recovery was such an intense time for me grasping for new friends and seeking fellowship wherever i could. so many people were very integral and important in my life then and it was a hard pill to swallow when they and i would "drift" apart or go different ways. not necessarily relasping either. just doing different things. my closest friend in treatment and i grew apart and the same with people from subsquent housing situations. we are and were momentarily eternal to each other at that time-its just tough when people stop calling, stop showing up and start doing other things and i feel left behind. i know its not one sided and i have grown and changed from that person i was 21+ months ago and thankfully most things never stay the same. i am just thinking of the differences in the "snapshot of my life" then and now. just a thought.

have been making my meetings, making myself available to meet new peeps, running into and hanging out with old pals and still finding time to get some me time into be at the gym or just sitting at home. its cold and rainy oustide right now and i'm loving being home for the night.................

one holiday down, three to go

2005-11-01T11:26:00.000-08:00

well halloween weekend is over and the only thing left are half off sales on costumes accessories and the bleary eyed hangovers of those who chose to imbibe last night, or friday thru monday depending on how "big" halloween is for you. i really enjoyed a nice quiet weekend and topped it off with a performance of measure for measure by billy shakespeare at the guthrie. it was done in the traditional sense with an all male cast and was really quite amazing. i really didn't know anything about this play before i saw it, but absolutely loved the way the story unfolded. As always when i see good theater, i wonder why i don't see more, then i remember that the tickets were free (and great), but that really isn't even an excuse.

my good friend toni is here for a few days before she takes off for her parents house and then onto mexico for 6+ months to learn spanish and immerse herself in mexican culture. i love her soooo much. she was one of my good friends from before i went into treatment and has always been so supportive, and i think the experience only made our friendship stronger and that much more solid. she had the same anti-halloween sentiment as i did, so we spent last night watching north country at the lagoon after a quick bite at chiang mai thai.

i had yesterday off and took today off to boot. i still so long for those last months of summer i had this year, post-trip, not working and spending my time doing whatever it was i felt necessary. reality-pishaw! just a few more days in the herd at the corp. coffee shop and then onto a five day work week with new title and raise in hand. it still has a "would you like fries with that" feel, just a bit more lax and eclectic. i should find out some details soon about the upcoming travels/work and will keep you all updated....

boo

2005-10-28T16:36:00.000-07:00

well it is halloween weekend again. with the actual day being monday it seems like it could easily be a 4 day party weekend. halloween has been a time for me to slow down a bit and relish where i am at. a few years back things got bad and then a year later things got worse and granted the situation i'm in now is so far removed from that, i still feel like a schmoe for not wanting to get dressed up and run around. i have some options for mellow sober activities and i don't really feel like doing those either. i don't feel like i'm isolating, i just don't want to party either. good thing i work super early all weekend and have an excuse to be in by 9 and in bed by 10, not that i need one, but...

other news in blip format:

i hit 21 months on monday and feel like i'm in the homestretch for 2 years, one day at a time.

i got a promotion, a raise and a full time job out of the little big cafe on lyndale and accepted the offer, the money and the posistion.

i put in my notice, but will be on call, at the corp. coffee shop. my last day will be the day before the big holiday push, merch and music, so that bullet was avoided.

i finally got 2 days off (in a row)and went up north to check in with family and friends and had a blast.

not a whole lot of epic stuff has been happening. just working out, trying to make art, going to meetings, working 7 days a week (for now) and trying to get enough sleep. the events have been minor but victorious and so many and scattered you'll have to call for details. today could be the last nice day so i'm out for a bike ride....

lag time...

2005-10-10T22:31:00.000-07:00

i guess there has been quite a bit of lag inbetween posts, but things have busy, busy, busy. somehow i got roped into 4 days at the corporate coffee shop instead of three, add that to the three days i do at the big lil' bakery and it turns out i work 7 days a week. the answer according to one of my employers was to schedule time off? i just asked for a day less well see how that goes. the finance thing is a bit scary as i sat down last night and got real with my checkbook. the money out isn't quite as good as the $$ in, so a better, more lucrative job will probably have to be in my future, if i'm going to keep from going crazy.

what a beautiful weekend in minneapolis. warm and sunny days and cool crisp nights. i was walking down my tree lined street tonight and the smell of fall was in the air. crunchy fallen leaves and a clear sky, ohh its why autumn is my favorite season.

met with my sponsor, went to a few meetings, to include attending minnesober (glbt recovery roundup), saw a friend off to philly (she left today, but not before leaving me the cool piece of art ever. i even worked and worked out sort of and somehow found time to attend an art opening in nordeast around midnight on saturday where i had the strangest run in. i was standing out front smoking a cig and chatting with some friends. i was doing this hipster color commentary of all the trendy, black clad, mussed hair people parading out of the gallery and this handsome man at the tail end caught part of it. i squeezed his cheeks (facial) and he turned around and grabbed me and pushed his tongue down the back of my throat. i was into, don't get me wrong, but he was moving way too fast and he was also sooper dooper drunk. i have heard that making out with a drinker as a "free-be" like the same as making out with someone who smokes when you don't. he was relentless and i was a bit put put off by his state of intoxication. he tried a few more times to kiss me, or check for my tonsils with his tongue, i really wanted to at least get a name first and kept trying to just chat him up, to which he called me a homophobe and took of into the night. i guess their is always a first time for everything, being called a homophobe that is.

i have been spending the last few nights enjoying some extended downtime and getting caught up on things like laundry, which my non-existent cleaning lady keeps forgetting to do. damn her anyways.....

simple math....

2005-10-04T16:32:00.000-07:00

lack of sleep makes for a crabby, crabby me at work i have discovered. i guess crabby isn't such the right word as sluggish. i stayed up a bit too late doing nothing last night and paid the price for it at work. my new co-workers think i don't like it there because i'm always trying to go home. not that not being at work, or working rather, will ever feel natural, i was just starting to get into the groove i guess.

i got an interesting call today from a lady i met while working a few weeks back. she owns and runs an art gallery in downtown and is looking to take on a new associate. she already has some big plans, to include the new york art fair this march and the launch of her own publishing company. this would something that would keep me off the road this winter and i haven't quite decided how i feel about this. i don't even have the job yet but it's starting to sound pretty good. updates forthcoming....

so in light of being to busy and tired from trying to do too much, tonight i'm watching tv and ordering a pizza. i already had a big salad and caught the end of america's next top model, which made me laugh so hard. everytime i see tyra up there at the end doing her dramatic elimination i think of maya rudolph's over-the-top impression and i can't take the real tyra seriously. god that sounds ridiculous, maybe i read instead...

uraqt...

2005-09-23T21:56:00.000-07:00

i get to go see m.i.a. in less than a week now.

if you salt and peppa ya mango, i hope that you will go..

p.s.

you are a cutie

a junkie without junk...

2005-09-22T15:25:00.000-07:00

nothing makes me feel like a junkie more than waking up late for work. well maybe a rolled up 20 but whatever. i opened this morning at the corporate coffee shop and should have been up @ 5 to be there by 5:30 to be open by 6, yet i didn't wake up until 6:35 am. i really need and enjoy that minimum of a half hour lead time in the morning before i leave. typically a quick coffee, some prayers and just being centered a bit before i walk out that front door. today i wore baggy pants with no belt (the first thing i grabbed) and worked with morning breath and an unwashed face and unruly hair. yes i bet i looked as nasty as i felt. apparently i was the only one really freaking out about this, it just made me feel pretty bad.

the other job which i worked today as well is going great. the lil' hipster hippie cafe that could on lyndale seems like the perfect place for me. i had been warned about crazies working/dining there and have been waiting for the other shoe to drop, but nothing so far thankfully.

a little home group meeting tonight, maybe dinner and in bed even earlier than last night. i will need that extra beauty sleep tonight, even more than usual........

raindrops.....

2005-09-21T17:25:00.000-07:00

it just started raining outside, and i'm glad i'm home and can't think of anywhere else i'd rather be. listening to records and unwinding after a fabulous dinner prepared by myself for myself. the thought crossed my mind that dinner needn't be pretty or whatnot-i just can't help myself. i actually wished someone could have seen it, like a bf, who'd ideally be spooning me right now instead.

so much hubbub about the new fall season and premieres and blah, blah, blah. i'm going to bust out some old records and write some long over due letters and try my darndest to not watch any MUST SEE TV (which sounds like brainwashing instead of a catch phrase).

mmmmmmm, haley bonar and some new japaneese inspired stationary. jesus i am gay. whatever......

a little bit all the time....

2005-09-18T18:49:00.000-07:00

summer is slowly winding down and the weather keeps flirting and teasing the imagination both ways. cool, brisk days that speak of the fall ahead-yet bright, hothouse humid days that keep september grounded in the actuality that it IS still summer, at least for another week anyways. things have been changing for me. getting adjusted to working, and trying to incorporate all the things i want to do, but most importantly finding downtime. i was out at a friends' bbq on boom island last night and after the sun went down found myself wanting to go home, and feeling i needed to justify this somehow to myself and to my friends-but no dammit. i knew i had a full day ahead and wanted to be rested for it.

speaking of, had my first sunday brunch at the new job. was a bit crazy to say the least, but i think it is going to be just fine. i think i second guess myself alot and think that people don't like me, some don't and thats fine too, but i really think i'm going to like it there. everyone seems so noam chomsky smart with a hip arty wedge edge and a lasse-faire attitude. hmmm i don't know what that really meant or what its about, but whatever.

i don't work until later in the am so i'm off for a little late night gay coffee(re: veras) and think i'll be back to watch a movie later. oh yeah, tomorrow is my first night of night school at mcad and i can hardly wait. new images forthcoming.....

finally....

2005-09-14T11:32:00.000-07:00

well i finally have internet service in my home after a long 3-4 srtuggle, sounds dramatic right? time warner couldn't actually come out until monday, which they told me 3 weeks ago, and finally somebody did come. he installed a faulty modem and left 75 feet of cable line unattached and sprawling over the apartment here, tripping hazard yes, pretty no. another guy came by yesterday and re-installed a modem that actually worked, but "was unable" to install all the cable that was splayed out from the front to the back of my place. so finally today 2 guys stopped by and assessed the situation and tried to tell me that it wasn't their responsibility to tack down all the cable line. many phone calls later and two failed attempts to tell me they "couldn't do anything" they finally did it. i was getting to the point, where if they weren't going to fix it on day threee here, i was going to tell them to take it all and issue me a refund. is it just me or has customer service taken an all time turn for the worse?

my new place is coming along ever so nicely. it's furnished and moved in and my last big hurtle is hanging all my artwork, my own and others that is, throughout my apartment. i want to try and get it right so i'm not living with a bunch of little nail holes. it is coming along slowly, but surely, i have about 60% of it up.

this is for anyone is sicking of hearing about my seemingly endless, glorious 8+ weeks of ongoing vacation. yes-it has come to an end and i am once again employed times two. i got my old corp. coffee shop job back as well as a job in a local bakery cafe, where hopefully i'll be serving at night in the not so distant future hopefully. i am a little skeptical to commit to one or the other, so two part time jobs should be ok for a while anyway.

still keeping up with meetings and obligations here. feels good to get re-connected with the sober commnity down here and i've even made some new friends + have taken on some additional service commitments, to include hosting a workshop at the big gay sober round-up, minnesober, here in minneapolis this october!

sadly i think this work thing may cut into all the free time i have had to go to the gym with. i know i'll still be able to go i'll just have to plan a little more, which is something i have been trying to do anyways. i feel i say yes to a lot of stuff, not too much, but if i don't write it down, or keep it in the forefront of my mind i forget, and come off looking like an ass. school starts pretty quick, night art school that is, at which point i will be throughly, jam packed as far as my schedule goes. doesn't leave much time for anything else, except the occasional cute gay hockey player poet. i always have to leave room for that.....

has it been two weeks......

2005-08-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

things have been humming along and going so well here in the northwoods i have been losing track of time. i'm coming up on a month of happily not working; days spent at the the gym, out with friends, cooking for my mom, just basic relaxing stuff, but the move to mpls is coming. their just isn't seemingly any urgency behind it which is nice in a way, i just need to get serious here pretty soon. i'm 85-90% moved in, just waiting to wrap up some loose ends here. mainly getting my new used car, which was supposed to happen on friday and of course that would be the one day my loan officer takes off, but it has been 5 years so whats a weekend right?

i am however ready to get back and get involved in my meetings. i have only been to a handful of meetings since i've been back, and can't wait to get involved again....

a breath of fresh water.......

2005-08-09T19:09:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling a bit troubled up here in the northwoods. i'm being completely wrecked by the most handsome man ever but it just isn't in the cards for us, before it ever even began-typical right. anyways he's a fatal mix of good looks, amazing aesthics and normy sense of summertime drinkin', everytiume i've run into hime he's either drunk or hungover. yes red flags pop up and no it doesn't make me wish i could still drink, which isn't even an option for me anyways, but it just hurts everytime i see him. its complicated by the fact that i'm moving back to the cities soon and he just moved back, makes me anxious to get back and to get started on school and focusing on other things. oddly enough my feelings have been captured by matt hales, lead singer and main man behind the band aqualung, his new record "strange and beautiful" found me at the record store instead of the other way around.

i'm just lovin the lake, the gym and being home with family and friends and looking forward to getting back...

the whattup with minneapolis yo.....

2005-08-03T07:31:00.000-07:00

things have busy, busy busy since i touched down in minnesnowta. i spent about 12 hours in duluth before i packed up the car and headed down to mineapolis. big highlight from the whole weekend was receiving my 18 month chip from my sponsor at the pride inst., where my whole journey began 18 months previous. was great to catch with him again, in person, as we have been in contact but mostly over the phone. we've been continuing on with step work and i'm back at the beginning with a little better understanding and starting the learning process all over. it is kind of ongoing as i get to make ammends when they come up, old and new, and still pray and strive to be the best person i can and hopefully do the next right thing, which can be hard sometimes.....aaahhhhh but progress not perfection.

got to catch up with the old roomies, the lyndale avenue pretty girls, which felt great! those beauties were and are such a huge part of my recovery it was awesome to see them again. i even got to go to their sunday night meeting and meet some new people. i have been meeting more new people lately and it feels great. i was a little reserved (read=scared) when i was around and feel i denied myself the chance to get to know alot of cool ass people, good thing this kind of stuff comes back around and everyday is a new chance to start over.

as for other old friends i have been running into them left and right and whatta treat it has been! i have even been seeking some of them out and making an honest effort to make some much overdue ammends, which thankfully has been going well. most people are just excited by the new me and don't really want to talk up awful things from the past, but sometimes, not always, it is a necessary process. i have even been lucky enough to hang out with old, old, old friends (length of friendship not age but..) who flew in from out west. not that every single time isn't special, but with my travels i have been lucky enough to see them alot more than most people have this year so i'm trying not to hog them here in minneapolis, i'll wait until they come duluth-ha! so many beautiful, wonderful, amazing, special, fantastic friends i really do feel BLESSED.

as far as getting settled goes i already landed a spacious little bachelor pad in the wedge/lyn-lake neighborhood (on the southside) and have some leads on some job possibilities too. wasn't sure how i'd feel about living alone, what with my last foray into living alone being so awful, but that was a much different time in my life and the ways i went about living are almost completely opposite to how i function now. so i'll give it a shot plus with the travels i have been rooming/living by myself for the last 6 months anyway. i have been staying at home when i have a week or two off the road and my mom, or my roomie as she likes to say, was a little saddened by the news of my new place. its been great staying there and being in duluth in general but as far as where i am with my recovery, art and life i really need to be in minneapolis if i am to stay in minnesnowta. i plan on getting a car so i can make frequent trips home as it feels like my little mecca and i don't want to burn out on being in the city or lose touch on the friendships i have been working hard on up there either. it makes me feel a bit transitory, 10 years here in mpls, 2 years in duluth, then back, then on the road then here and there and back again, i know these are choices i have made and choices i am making now, i guess second guessing them isn't really option and i just pray that i'm making the right ones, only time will tell.......

back in minnesnowta....

2005-07-28T21:28:00.001-07:00

i made it back safe and sound today. i basically slept the whole way and the time just flew by. for as much as i hated l.a., i loved san diego a lot more than i thought i would, and could even see myself living there someday. it's kind of sad now that my travels have come to an end, but its great to be back home! flying into duluth today everything was so lush and green and the view of the lake was refreshing. just ran around all afternoon checking out some art shows here in town and getting ready for a weekend in the cities. so much to do with getting into school, a job, a place to live, catching up with folks and mostly just relaxing and enjoying the end of a beautiful summer.....

one year and one half.....

2005-07-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

little mini anniversaries just keep popping up, today i'm celebrating 18 months of sobriety. i obviously will never forget my past and where i've come from, but sometimes i just wonder who that person was back then.

san diego has been heavenly. only have to do a 1/2 day of work today and then i'm off and running. only 3 days left until i come home. a home with no maid service but rich with family, fellows and friends.....

sf2la2sd

2005-07-24T16:45:00.000-07:00

i made it san diego yesterday and what a relief to get here. the tempatures and attitudes have dropped and i'm enjoying a weekend off. have been shopping, enjoying historic downtown, went to a meeeting at a gay alanon club and catching up on much need sleep. only 4 days until i'm home...

la la la.....

2005-07-21T10:41:00.000-07:00

ooooops i guess i haven't posted in awhile, but access to a free computer has been limited and i'm finally shelling out for $.69 a minute.

l.a. has been pretty awful as it has been 100+ degrees by 9 a.m. everyday and after a week of this it starts to wear you down HARD. as far as cities i have been to since jan l.a. has to be my least favorite and i can't really undertstand what the obsession is with this place is anyways. i never thought i'd be so excited to go to san diego, but i am, partly for the cooler weather, but also because its the last city on this tour. i'll be back in sunny minnesnowta in one week and 7 hours, not that i'm counting.

personalties and differences have reached a point on the tour were most people are ready for this to be over, me included. thankfully our boss got put in her place after trying to kick some sand up about us, and she's finally mellowed out. just one less thing to worry about.

one week, one week, one week..........

happy birthday to me......

2005-07-10T10:37:00.000-07:00

well it's not my birthday, belly button or soberiety, but this blog is officially one year old today.

sounds like a great excuse to eat cake to me.....

escape to san francisco......

2005-07-09T00:51:00.000-07:00

well you may or may not be sick of hearing me complain about how physco my new boss is but it is so true! post vacation things seemed like they were going to be great, morale was on an up swing, things were going fine (weds + thurs) then today things just fell apart for her (the boss) and in turn things got pretty miserable for the rest of our crew. one of my co-workers seems to think she doesn't quite hear herself talking down to us and might not realize that she treats us sub-human & that more than likely she isn't doing it on purpose but......yikes. my mom likes to refer to me as her lil' ghandi, it takes a lot to get me pissed these days, but even i'm getting towards the end of my rope. thank god for prayer! can i get an amen!?

i wasn't going to leave for my weekend of house sitting for j & t in san francisco until first thing sat, but i had to go. i had to leave sacremento in the dust and just go. coming over the bay bridge at midnight tonight downtown looked like some futuristic cyborgian holiday present to me and the lights of the bridge were some lunar candles burning bright for me, welcoming back and reminding me to check my shit on the other side of the bridge.

this weekend is all new and ripe with possibilties and i have 48 hours to enjoy it. a meeting, art, the gym, shopping, boys........

happy second of july..

2005-07-02T20:10:00.000-07:00

i just realized that my little blog turns one year old in a little over a week. whatta trip to re-read some of those old, old posts. i can't believe the changes in my life from last year. i am enjoying my here and now though to be sure. have been having a nice time relaxing up here in duluth. just hanging out with family and friends, working out, working in the darkrooma dn just chillin' until i have to go back out west this tuesday.

i think i may have hit the gym a bit to hard at the end of the week. i just incorporated running into my workout and even did some mountain biking, which in duluth is no joke + i even lifted weights in the morning which led to a pulled shoulder muscle, yikes it hurts still. i was in quite a bit of pain this morning, what with the knot the size of a lemon on the inside edge of my sholuder blade. luckily i was able to get in with my massage therapist and her wicked, wicked elbow and hands did work quite a bit of it out. the crunching sound of her separating that knotted mess was quite haunting, and serve as a big reminder to stretch even more.

i went out for a little bit last night after taking in a concert by the lake and have to admit i was quite bored. granted the best gay bar in duluth is actually in superior, wi across the bridge in what once was a cowboy bar, campily adorned in rainbow flags and 8 by 10's of drag queens from yesteryear. i kind of have this morbid tabloid curiousity with going out. i know that drinking isn't even an option for me anymore and that is a life and death battle, but some sick part of me likes to watch other people drink. i discovered this last summer when i used to sit outside of caffettos and watch people going into hum's liquor store and i would try and guess what they would come out with, i was usually right on. what was weird about being in the bar i discovered last night was that i was observing people and trying to find myself in the crowd. i had spent quite a few drunken blacked out nights in this bar and while the memory is still there, the desire to drink is not, but i couldn't quite pick out anyone who was drinking as hard as i used to, or maybe they were. a friend once described to me how i used to drink and drink and drink and be fine but within a matter of seconds it would seem like somebody (me) had switched me off and i would be come this incoherent, babbling mess-basically functioning but not really there, i'm sure you get the idea. i'm not quite really sure what this post is all about, i feel as if i'm rambling, but whatever i'm in for the night........

planes, trains and automobiles (really)....

2005-06-26T22:06:00.000-07:00

so back again safe and sound on a 10+ day break from my job. portland was such a good time it was hard to leave indeed. the last time i was there i had 2 more weeks and felt like i could have used this time as it seemed we just got there and then we left again. i did catch some good new music (new to me) - the mountain goats, who played at the uber trendy doug fir and got to eat in many wonderful restuarants, most of which were in renovated victorian mansions, and all super tasty. devin, a friend of my pal anisa, has the low, low down on all good eats in pdx, and should surely have her on food column, someday perhaps.

i did get my pictures finally on my last day there and it was quite a trip to flip through so many images in one sitting. they weren't really organized outside of black and white vs. color so i would in one roll be looking at images from two months ago and then bam looking at images from 5-6 years ago. some images i had forgotten about, some amazing ones, a few amazingly bad and some theat were just there. it was all very overwhelming and after seeing them all i cried a bit. not a weepy gush, but more for things and people lost, things and moments which will never repeat, for the better or the worse. i think the images that set me off most were some of the final images i actively made. as my addiction increased the amount of work i made decreased (surprise right) to the point i wasn't even making art for the final two years before i went into treatment. those last images are so sad, somber and basically depressing. i look as if i am literally not present in my body, like some decaying shadow of a person i and others used to know was gone. i used to shoot pictures in the wee a.m. mornings of all night binges thinking the work i was making was so profound and significant. i guess it is in a different way now. i still can remember the subtle details and the events of those times and can't ever forget them for my own sake, but now i know how to look at them for what they were and quit viewing them through rose colored lens.

anyways i am currently sorting and slowly looking at all the images i had made and trying to organize them in my own mind in an attempt to get ready to try and share them with the world....

oops blog tangent. the post title was supposed to be about my ten hour car trip to sacremento before my 6 hour flight to duluth, topped off by my 3 hour train ride once i got here, oh well.

p.s. 17 months yesterday....

update...

2005-06-19T00:28:00.000-07:00

well i feel bad that i haven't posted in a while, things have been pretty busy, busy, busy. anyways i had a great time being home for a week and some days. getting to hang out with my mom + extended family, catch up to old friends and still find time to workout and a mini road trip too to minneapolis. the more i see old friends from my somewhat haunted past the better i feel about getting to know them again and in some cases for the first time, with a newer and deeper understanding. i love you all, and if you reading this, post a comment already goddammit!! minneapolis was blur, but time to see my awesome sponsor, check in at an old meeting and hang out with friends and fellows to boot.

i took off for seattle a little over a week ago and had a very hectic week there. the pilot show or t3 (train the trainer) can usually be pretty painful, with all the minor tweakings and just getting things perfect, i start to lose my mind when i do something, do it different and then go back to the way i did it before, sometimes over and over, i find myself a bit frustrated, but at these moments i really rely on prayer, patience and the ability to call somebody and hash it out, rather than shut down and drink.

had a minor breakdown with my boss, which was terrifying, but ended up being good as a lot of cards were put on the table and thankfully we can start over with a new understanding for our next show in our next city-portland, which is where i am right now. also had a major fiasco involving $300 in excessive, unauthorized charges to my credit card which was quite fun to work out with my bank and the hotel, but got it righted, with lots of phone calls and several trips to the front desk.

spent the morning driving down the coast listening to rufus wainwright, elliot smith, m.i.a. and watching the beauty roll by at 60 mph. we didn't get to stop but i have a feeling i need to get to olympia sometime soon, the trees they beckon. made good time to pdx, checked in at the new hotel, dropped off my gear and jumped the train to catch my friend working at the saturday market. we caught a bite with a friend of hers at a place called lovely hula hands which was cute little pink house in noth portland and topped it off with french desserts and espressos at a chocalate cafe.

i have such a short time here (5 days) i feel a bit rushed, but i am making the most of it. tomorrow is the gay pride parade here! plus this wednesday i pick up the massive film order i sent in a few weeks back. i went through my photography trunks and sent in all my old film to be developed and printed, a hundred rolls in all, and can't wait to see them. 1,200+ never before seen images, it makes my head spin.......

minnesnowta in springtime.....

2005-06-01T19:51:00.000-07:00

well i made it back here to the land of ten thousand lakes safe and sound. from up above in the plane breaking through the crowds it was so pretty and made me even calmer to be back. i was in minneapolis for about 30 minutes and then off to duluth, wher its springtime for the first time. lilacs budding, blooming trees and tulips popping up, ahhhhhhh the sights and smells.

got to hang out with some friends earlier and completed a project for my mom. i mean i landed yesterday and i've already pressure washed and sealed the back deck and front porch for her and i imagine she has a few other things for me to do before i take off again. i love her sooo much and its just been great to be back.

well i have been putting off making any decisions about what to do when i get done with this next tour and looks like i'll try to go back to school in the cities nad hang out until the next winter when i hopefully go back out on the road, but thats a whole life away from here.

trying to get in as much time with family, friends and hitting the gym as much as possible (i made it today too!) and just wind down and relax before i have to head back out next friday......

and its over.....

2005-05-30T13:52:00.000-07:00

well first off and most importantly the show i was working on is OVER!!! thank god i made it, i seriously had doubts there towards the end, what with ugly character defects rearing their ugly heads and just ( as noted previous) lots of little breakdowns and squabbles amongst the overworked and homesick crew i was working with. it wasn't all bad and i did learn alot about myself and how to and not deal with some people.

anyways i have been spending the last few days with two of my oldest friends here in sf, j and tirsh, a happy, saavy cute couple who were basically so left coast they were destined to live here, they keep telling me it could be in my cards too. still pondering that next move as the end of road tripping and working comes closer-2 months- but i do need to make some choices here eventually. the thought of just travelling for kicks has been out there, then their is school and maybe even setting up a home somewhere.....

the time off has been fantastic here though. 2 days ago we did southern sf beaches and went to a boardwalk amusement park in snata cruz and had an awesome dinner by the ocean. how yummy does seared and grilled ny strip with a whole roasted head of gilroy garlic sound, ohhhhh i'm hungry again. yesterday we went to a brazilian style carnivale in the mission and had a very lovely dinner in. we spent the night listening to records, talking and having a mini spa experience with face masks and nail buffing and the like.

today union square, china town and north beach and then some playin' it by ear. its hard to believe that my time here is almost up again and i have to head back to the reportedly grey and rainy minnesnowta, but i am jazzed to be back with family and friends and stomping around all my old familiar haunts. plus i just found out my next tour, in two weeks will bring me back out here again and in like six weeks i can hardly wait but i am currently enjoying this moment and this experience here and now........

i HAIGHT to wake up anywhere else.......

2005-05-20T09:38:00.000-07:00

well as of yesterday i'm back in one of my most favorite cities-san francisco!!!! this stop on our trip couldn't come at a better time as things are starting to fall apart on our crew. just a lot of little petty differences, control issues and the wear and tear of being out on the road for so long have started to take their toll. it hasn't all been negative per se, but for surely not positive at all. so a nice 3 day break, followed by a 5 day show schedule and then 5 day vacation here seems completely doable.

i felt so metropolitan taking the train from south san francisco into the city, connecting with a bus and getting to my friends place in the haight neighborhood all by myself! i love mass transit that works so much that i've recently started to feel pretty bad about my job, feeeling like a cog in the car culture machine. that could tangent, so back to happy stuff, had a nice dinner with my married couple friends just chilling at their place listening to new music, talking and just being together again rocked!! what a treat to wake up in their sunny, warm, third floor walk up and realize that i'm here. i could get use to living here, i really could.........

so cal and so long tejas......

2005-05-15T14:00:00.000-07:00

lets see so much has happened in the last however many days since i've posted. i guess i can work backwards....

got to go to an awesome meeting in laguna beach this weekend. miracles happen, which is the o.c. version of minneapolis' minnesober. the church it was at was decked out and beautiful and so many people were so gracious and nice to me, i felt right at home. as luck would have it i talked to a guy who gave me all the info, then called back 10 minutes later and invited me out to dinner with him and two of sponsees. it made going to the convention so much better to have somebody to introduce me and show me around, and most importantly help me get there.

on the meeting fron, i got to go to the meeting in santa ana last tuesday where i picked up my one year chip last february. quite a few people remebered me and they were all sooooo nice i felt like i was at my own home group.

orange county and southern california is so absolutely fuckin gorgeous i can hardly stand it sometimes. it's usually at moments like these when some lady with fake tits and botox from the beyond scowls and i remember that their is a whole element of california that i'm probably missing.

i've really been debating the whole ipod or not thing in my mind for so long, i must have walked into the mac store on autopilot. ohhhhh i want one so bad, and a powerbook too, i need help and counseling to make sure its what i need to get my photo stuff and other things going. i'm pondering quitting smoking to finance it. i would just need to quit for 4 or 5 months to pay for it-uggggghhhh........

i got a membership at a 24 hour fitness place and have been hitting the gym hard. i really miss my y in south minneapolis, the level of customer service at this new gym is basically none existant. i guess they win with a quantity versus quality style arguement, but its only a month and my physical health is that important. as if the way i was being treated wasn't bad enough i lost my somewhat new expen$ive $ungla$$e$ there and really got no help from anybody.

we missed our flight out here due to bad weather in houston, so we got off a day later then planned, but whatever, i still get paid. late arrival also met 1/2 day less on the load in, my least favorite part of this job, and things were humming along and we even finished early inspite of being 5 hours late.

i already miss my sister and neice in texas and hope i'll get back to see them sometime later this year. as far as my next gig goes i know i'll be in seattle on june 10ish but where i go from there is anybodys guess. i'm rallying for more west coast shows, but i may end up on the midwest tour which would take me through minneapolis for a week either previous to or following the 4th of july, but like i said its all up in the air............

houston, san antonio, houston, san antonio, austin, san antonio, houston

2005-05-05T08:05:00.000-07:00

well the houston leg of our trip is over and that only leaves la and sf! my little mini vacation in sf is kind of my carrot dangling at the end of this show, i can hardly wait. houston (actually texas city) was a little dry and found myself cutting my hair shorter and shorter and hanging out in the b grade mall across the parking lot. can you imagine a mall without a gap even?

well i thought i do some personal traveling and rented a car yesterday, sadly no covertible like i wanted, and i'm almost set to go. i'm taking a day trip to the uber trendy austin for some sightseeing, a meeting, dinner, ect. and plan on coming back tonight. tomorrow i go back to houston, but houston for real, not some third ring suburb. texas city to houston is like chaska to minneapolis, yikes indeed. well i have a posh hotel reservation, tickets for fischerspooner and plans to to meet up with a friend when he gets off wiork at the sushi restuarant that he gm's.

also if you apprecite fine art photography you must, must, must check out the new book by david hilliard, recently published by aperture. ohhhhhhhhhhh it so good and hilliard is such a genius and a seemingly genuine wonderful gay man. he is what i want to be when i grow up. seeing his work in portland and a handful of other experiences has really set my brain on fire and i've been pretty motivated and excited about getting my own photography back out there, more details forthcoming.........

today is, the greatest.......

2005-04-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

i stole that title from billy corrigan(?) of smashing pumpkins fame.

big news from texas, today is my 15th month anniversay, aka 1 year and one quater or 456 + 1/2 days sober!!!!

i'm houston bound in 5 minutes, and hope to go to a meeting tonight.......

gay coffee, dads, zap mama and dolphins.......

2005-04-24T10:01:00.000-07:00

well i left georgia a few days back and now find myself chillin in texas, san antonio-style once again. on the ranch with my darling neice, sister and brother-in-law, who i work with too.

the last few days in atlanta were chock full of fun, work, good food, work, more work oh yeah and work, do you get the picture. one night i got the car and headed east from downtown and found the ubergay midtown area. kind of like a melange of loring park and uptown put together and seemingly a few rainbow flags short of being the castro. well maybe not that gay. it was quite refreshing as downtown is seemingly geared more towards conventioneers and tourists, and seeing a neighborhood like midtown speaks to real life in atlanta. did some underwear shopping (i have a fetish or vice for designer underwear-take your pick) at a cute gay place called boy next door and even found a thai food restuarant named the king and i. as you may or may not know i love thai curry, and stumbling across a thai place with the same name as my favorite minneapolis place i was a bit sceptical. i ordered my fave anyway, panaeng curry, as was handsomely rewarded. very authentic, very fresh and super yummy seems about right.

the next day my dad came from savannah. it's been well over a year since i saw him last. things were always a bit weird with my dad, but we both have been making a better effort to move on and move forward with our relationship. got to have lunch with him and introduce him some of my co-workers. after a quick shower we headed off to yet a another kick ass neighborhood, inwood or candler park. had great indian food, mutual ammends and enlightening conversations before heading off to see a zap mama concert. i was pretty surprised that my dad was as excited to go as i was, he doesn't listen to or participate in many non-secular activities, turns out he's a closet santana fan though. speaking off the concert, i had randomly won tickets for the show one night on the local college radio station, which a friend seemed to point to the fact that it was meant to be. whatta an experince-the show kicked ass!!!! very energetic, beautiful and moving, yes i got teary amongst my getting down. even inspite of the phat afropeaic-hip hop beats my dad even dozed off! he is almost 60, so had to give him credit for coming in the first place.

my general work day is 6am (i get up at 5:30, lookin good doesn't come natural to all off us) and typically work until 6pm. although load in and load out days always go much longer. so post concert, pre load out, low sleep all week i was sleeping on my feet and some how the "coffee" our caters provide doesn't really seem to do a thing for me. did get to have lunch with my dad again and got to say our goodbyes. even though it was a short visit (24 hours) it was one of the best times i have ever spent with him, i think we are starting to find our own middle ground after 20 years of being somewhat estranged.

as promised our load out day was 16+ hours and then back to the hotel to clean up and pack, in bed my 1:30 and up again at 5 to catch our flight to texas. i slept through most of it and even napped in san antonio later that same day too.

i got to pet dolphins, be amazed by sting rays and get wet in a 4-D movie with the neice and family at sea world texas, something i have always wanted to do, and wasn't nearly as scarred like previous daycare trips with my sister and co. to the zoo. its nice to not have to travel with a huge kiddie armada all the time. which brings me to today and sleeping in and coffee in my pjs and..........

things overheard @ dinner....

2005-04-17T19:12:00.000-07:00

so i was having a wonderful time at this beautiful italian restuarant, azio, here in atlanta when my dinner companions (the co-workers) start gawking and talking shit about every single woman and or girl that walks by. i mean it didn't just start up out of the blue, it happens non-stop!! you know i'm ok with she looks good or even those are some amazing tits, but every single female, every single one, tied in with the awful sexual things they would like to do, or wouldn't do for that matter. so instead of saying something, which i'll have to in ammends tomorrow, i sunk to that level and started picking out guys and making comments like, i bet he has a huge dick, or check him out, ummmmmmm he looks good. this made my coworkers a wee bit umcomfortable, and so what. the only difference is they feel it ok to constantly tout their masculinty, or lack thereof, at any given chance, appropriate or not. so i did the same, maybe a bit over the top, but it has been ten days. the guys from my last trip did this too, but not to this extreme. i guess i just thought it weird that they almost all shut down because they didn't want to think that another man would say or think these things about them or other men, ie. being gay is ok, we're ok with you, but we don't want to have to hear about it-"oh and check out that girl over there, i'd love to tap that".........

hotlanta....

2005-04-16T16:02:00.000-07:00

well i seem to be burning through the cities like nobody's business. miami of last week seems quite like a blur, but i was indeed there, even if i didn't get to take in south beach, the ocean or anything else miamiesque for that matter. while most of the 30+ people on our crew flew here to georgia, the 6 member team i'm on got to drive the 12+ hours to get here. thankfully i din't have to drive and got to catch up on some much needed sleep.

today is sort of my one day off, i did work for a few hours this afternoon, but i am going to make the best of of it dammit. i'm going to check out a meeting by the old olympic stadium and hopefully get a bite to eat with some fellows. i did want to get a workout in this afternoon, but the two places i visited in downtown were closed by three pm?!?!

so the number of people sitting in this room just went up to 4. i can't tell if they are reading over my6 shoulder, but they are indeed waiting. peace.......

yourami.....

2005-04-12T18:53:00.000-07:00

20 years ago, when my cousin was 5, listening to her mother talk about going to miami on a family trip she misinterpreted the name of the city. so when a friend asked her where she was going she lovingly replied "yourami". ha!

well my miami experience hasn't been anything south beachish. the first city of a tour is typically a disaster. with all the extra people you think it would go smoother, but it has been a pretty rocky start. as far as the few car shows i have done this is by far the biggest endevour i have been involved with. my last three days have been grueling 10-12+ work hour days out in the miami sun, yes i'm already burnt, sun burnt that is, even with an spf 40. yikes i really am a pasty minnesnowtan but not for long. the number of teams supporting this show are smaller, but the actual team size is bigger, as well as the number of hot, hot guys i work with, sadly i'm the token homo, but not so sad as it makes me stunningly unique.

speaking of stunning, everyone here in miami is extarabsolutelyfuckinfabulous. its great to see so many beautiful people, but it is a different kind of beauty. in san francisco the beauty factor is also high, but it seems less obviously fashion obessesed and fake. this really is the city of tans, guccis and boob jobs. it's been kind of a trip and has spent my mind spinning lately on the concept of glamour. iused to think the epitome of glamour was looking good with a cocktail in hand and several trips to the mens room to do some blow. i'm having a hrad time in my mind separating the fashion from the drugs and alcohol, but thats neither here nor there, and more just some ridiculous way that my mind thinks. these days anyhow my idea of glamour is much more comfortable and involves being clean and serene to boot....

well its late in the evening and i'm on a public computer and someones waiting and still have several things to do yet tonight.....

on the road again.....

2005-04-07T07:36:00.000-07:00

well i guess i have been slackin a bit on keeping my blog up to date, ooooops.

lets see there wasn't much fallout after my big surgery last week. in and out and completely back to normal the next day. less all the extreme throbbing from said pulled tooth. even my follow up two days ago went fine.

spent the last couple of days saying goodbye to all my family, hometown homies, doing some 9th & 12th step work and even went to a meeting. what with little homestead dramas, the weather and the uncertainty of my new job leaving for my job last january was really easy and much anticipated. this time though after so much time off and connecting with family and old friends i found it very hard to pick up and go, but it'll make coming back all that much more grand. even after a few months though i still miss my old minneapolis place and i'm even watching the nanny (sort of) just like i imagine my pretty girls on lyndale are.....

i thought i had learned some good travel lessons from my last trip out, but sadly my luggage was still 10 pounds over!! arrggghhh!!!! i even pulled more stuff out last minute and thought i had it down to the bare necessities, guess not. i mean i want to travel light but i really, really need everything i packed, i think. i know by bag of shoes doesn't make me a diva, thanks anisa, but i had to pack for 2 months so i guess i feel pretty good about how i did.

after a yummmmmmmy breakfast with an old friend and her son, i spent most of the day sleeping on planes and making my way back to texas, ohhhhhh it is so nice here. i arrived to 85 degrees, sunny dry heat and a nice light breeze. oh my tan is already being refreshed, my spirits too.

i got to spend some great time last night with my sister and neice, oh she's growing up to quick and just relaxing until i leave for my miami this weekend. well there is so much more to say but i'll get to that eventually.......................

under the knife, the drill, the chisel......

2005-03-27T23:15:00.000-08:00

for better or worse i'm going to the dentist tomorrow. actually an oral surgeon to have a long overdue wisdom tooth pulled, rather yanked or chopped or whatever, i am a bit scared but ready. over the last few weeks it has become quite unbearable, ecspecially when my tylenol wears off. i have this love/hate relationship with the dentist. i know i have put going off for so long, or rather i was too busy getting wrecked to go, so in a way i've had it coming.

i have been having an amazing time being back in duluth though. catching up with really good old friends, many i haven't seen in a long time. getting caught up on my ammends, tying up old loose ends and just being around. i have even gone out a few times, sometimes its weird to be in my old haunts, but really the prospect of getting tosssed just really isn't an option anymore and a great part of that fear feeels lifted.

to counter that i even went to a meeting this week here and even made a day trip to minneapolis. got to check in with my sponsor, go to my home group, check in with old friends and people who mean a lot to me and really, really helped me out in the beginning when i was struggling to get my feet back on the ground and get my bearings straight. thankfully friday was also my 14th month anniversary, time sure flies.

for a little icing on my minneapolis cake i got to see a LIFE CHANGING (note the caps) exhibit at the minneapolis inst. of arts. if you have a chance go and see the alec soth showing of portraits up right now in the maep gallery on the first floor. its free and utterly fantastic!!! soth is somebody i met at a non-profit photo gallery i used to work at back in 1999, and in the last two years his work and career have taken off in such a monumental way. i'm watching ever so closely, i want that too.

well i guess i'll be sucking down malts and smoothies for the next couple of days, laying around on the couch watching movies and kicking back........

st. patty's....

2005-03-17T23:52:00.000-08:00

well its st patricks day and its quite a trip to be back home in duluth. st pats has had a certain power in the calendar of my life. 2 years ago today was when i gave up my 3 or 4 day attempt at sobriety, all by myself dry drunkin it, and decided to go balls to the walls. if you're trying to quit drinking the last thing you need to do is go to a st. pat's party. i had been staying in for a few days just sitting at home pissed and doing nothing but thinking about drinking. i went to said party and was good for about 2 hours and i just couldn't take it. i threw back whiskeys and guinesses in a feverishish attempt to catch up and before i knew i was puking off the back porch and stumbling to the neighborhood bar in a blackout. seriously that's what the next 10 months were like, every night. i remember that i used to use that as an anniversary date of sorts, like i have been going hard for 2 months. i used to stop and think "whew i can't believe i'm still going at it" of course saying this to myself on my nightly trip to my second full time job at the time, getting drunk. it was in this 10 month period that i did almost as much damage to myself and others as i had in the previous 10-15 years leading up to it. really debasing, awful, horrible stuff and that was nice compared to how i treated my friends and loved ones. i mention this mainly because i have been using this time home to get caught up and to make some ammends to people from this time. even after making the ammends it still can be hard for me to look some people in the eye. almost all are just excited that i have been sober for so long and see the change in me, i guess its more just hard on me to let go of how i was. granted i wish i could just forget it and move on, but that would be far to easy and probably would just be worse in the long run.
i actually went out tonight and what it trip is was to see so many people drinking. honestly it doesn't make me jones or trigger, a sick part of me likes to watch people drink, kind of like the morbid tabloid curiousity that possesses people to slow down at the scene of an accident. i was a bit nervous at first and had told the friends i went with that if i needed to i would just leave, but i had great time. i got to see a bunch of old friends and acquaintances and it was kind of refreshing to walk out 2 hours later sober and drive my friends home. i was so used to be carried out that it was nice to depart with my head held high.
literally little miracles everyday are what its all about.....

enso.....

2005-03-12T10:07:00.000-08:00

i'm back in texas and have almost come around full circle. vancouver was a complete blur as we were only there for 4 days. arrived on sunday, set up on monday, did the show tuesday and wednesday and took it it down and put it away for the last time weds night. we weren't even really in vancouver, we were in surrey, which was about 1/2 hour away, so i guess like phoenix i get to save seeing it for another time. i think everyone on the show, myself included, were pretty excited for it to be over. it was really hard to come back to work after having ten days off, but it had to be done. i am now on an extended vacation until april 5th when i fly to miami and start working for a few more months. i was signed up to another show later in the year, which would have given me most of the summer off, but now it looks like i'll work through most of the summer and have the rest of the year off. august looks pretty far away from here, but i am excited about all the new cities i'll get to see.

i go back to minnesota this tuesday and while i'm excited to get home, i'm also scared of the weather i know i'll be going back to. it has been spring everywhere we have been. budding trees, bulbs blooming and green, green, green everywhere and i know that minnesnowta is going to be a chilly white tundra, but inspite of it all i am looking forward to being home................

untitled (for arts sake)

2005-03-04T23:19:00.000-08:00

well 2 addresses later and a gap between what the www says to be fact and fact i found my meeting on weds at midnight only to find their was no weds meeting anymore, was that a run on sentence or what. anyways 1st thursday here kicked ass!! i guess their was a lot of mediocre art to wade through, but it was all worth it to see two of my all time favorite photographers-nan goldin and david hilliard in a group show at the elizabeth leach gallery. when we walked in and i saw the hilliard photographs on a far wall i almost knocked over a lady on my way to see them. he is a genius and one of my all time idols, i want to be like him when "i grow up". oh i can't say enough + then to turn around and see some nan goldins on an opposing wall was some what akin to art nirvana. i don't know who i love more, the two photgraphers in question or the gallerist that brought them together. oh it just excites me sooo much and gets me burning, burning mad with the desire to actually show my work in a gallery again. minneapolis art scene-WATCH OUT!!

today we woke up without much of a plan and decided to drive to seattle. my friend is a designer and needed to bring some clothes up and look into some other shops to carry her work, so their was sort of a purpose behind the trip, but for the most part it was pretty casual. we did get to see some beautiful neighborhoods-pioneer square, fremont, university, the peirs and greenwood and even took in a fabulous meal at a vegetarin restuarant named carlitas. two words-smoked garlic. yummmmmmmmm and then some more. on the way out of town we even stopped a chocalate cafe for some espresso and truffles. it wasn't as good as pix from earlier in the week, but still amazing and also staffed by cute, cute boys. the food has all been amazing by the way. pambiche (a fine cuban establishment), vincentes (pizza) and this morning the pearl bakery where we had french pastries on the way out of town. one of their specialties is brugillia(?) a french donut with orange and fennel, weird sounding, but ohhhh so delicous.

i can't belive my time in eden here will soon be over, but i have to admit i am a bit excited to get home and not do anything but eat greens, work out and catch up on my meetings and some much needed chill downtime...............

late night, or late if your 30.....

2005-03-02T22:30:00.000-08:00

it's 10:30 here in pdx and i'm trying to remember when that became late? that used to be the beginning of a long, long night out but anyways i digress. i'm going to go to a midnight candlelight meeting and i'm kind of jazzed. i've been trying to make one or two meetings a week and this will actually be my first meeting in two weeks.
since i lasted poted i've been to the coast were i tried to fly a kite in hurricane style rainy winds, went further up to astoria and crossed the longest bridge in the us and looked for the goonies, it was filmed there, but no luck. i got to see the diane arbus exhibit "family" which will travel to the walker eventually and have eaten fabulous french desserts at 2, count em 2 french cafes and even got a great work out in at y that over looked the city. wandering around an area i think was called west 23rd yesterday i even got a buzz cut, bye bye hair. went to a bar named bossanova, which was as swank as it sounds, to hear a friends' boy spin some records and show off the new doo and wound up at the doug fir which sounds ho-hum but was uber sexy. think of a 50's diner but dark, sleek and moody and sexyyyyyyyyyyy.
tomorrow is the first thursday here in pdx which means a monster city wide artcrawl! outside of the dismal job situation, the aggressively depressing homeless situation and oh yeah the life i have back in minnesnowta i often wonder aloud why i don't live here.....

the where was i game....

2005-02-28T10:18:00.000-08:00

one of my favorite things to think back on is where i was one year ago today. one year ago today i was living in a half way house in south minneapolis. i had just gotten on of treatment and thought that just going to treatment would solve all my problems. like i would go and be cured and never have to think about drinking or drugs ever again. at the time i was still probably so toxic that that seemed like it would work. so after completing a 28 day program i moved into this mens 1/2 way house.going there was a big decision and one of the best ones i've ever made. it was important for me to be in the city, right in middle of where i used to get fucked up. in fact i had gotten drunk at every bar in that neighborhood at one time or another. facing these demons head on with a safe, sober place to go was very, very important. i remember getting there and being absolutely terrified. all the guys there seemed so foreign to me. they were mostly young straight guys, which was kind of shock coming from a gay treatment center. as of march 1st i was still struggling with whether or not i would make it there and trying, trying to find a job, i didn't actually get one until march 19th. i learned some really tough yet valuable lesoons living there. accoutantabilty, thinking of others, thinking of myself, how to handle adverstiy and how to live in the community as a sober gay man. i made quite a few friends, a handful that i still keep in touch with, at that point i had never had so many sober platonic intimate relationships with men.

so flash forward to today and i'm portland on vacation. it's monday and i'm getting ready to go fly kites at the beach. i plan on saying a little prayer for myself and all my sober 1/2 way house buddies and offering it up to the waves.........

pdx=portland?

2005-02-26T14:47:00.000-08:00

well our trip to try-out for the martha stweart apprentice show got tossed out, due in large part to my portland buddy anisa almost getting stranded at the g.w.bush airport but eventually coming in 10 hours later than expected. better late than never and way better than spending the night in an airport named after our illustrious leader. anyways sorry mar (that's what martha likes to be called) if you want me for your show you'll have to invite me personally, i really shouldn't have to audition.

anyways day two of vacationing in pdx has been rad! i got to drive around in my friends new car and kill time waiting for her flight. went to a place called the starry rose and ran into an old friend from mpls, weird huh? got to workout and in related news-i'm only 5 short pounds away from being under 200 lbs, just a little big short term goal, that's a total of 62 pounds lost since last january.

yesterday was also my 13th month of sobriety and according to a mini daily tarot reading things are going according to schedule. i know i'm only one palm reading and two chakra alignments from spiritual utopia-ummm bitter right?

just been groovin to all the music i love imaganible, thanks to lime wire and enjoying the great magnificent outdoors of the northwest.....

vacation all i ever wanted....

2005-02-24T23:08:00.000-08:00

i am so jazzed! i am on vacation now for 10+ days in sunny, beautiful portland. it seems so hard to believe that i was in sf last week and we are already set-up, ran and took down our portland show. well after the break i have a couple days in vancouver and then an even bigger vacation!

i keep forgetting that i'm driving up to seattle to try out for the martha stewart apprentice show this saturday. couldn't you just see me making cookies or setting an elegant table with her?

think good thoughts...

2005-02-22T00:19:00.000-08:00

well i have been getting around portland like nobody's business. the mass transit it here is awesome, fuckin awesome is more like it. i took trains across the city and back, hoofed it and probably put it 10 miles without a car or bike, not bad right? had a little mini breakdown shopping today involving the current state of my body. i am still dropping the pounds, i just don't look how i feel and its starting to irk me out. i can't wait to get back and get into a normal workout routine, even if its only for 3 or 4 weeks.

i tried to get to a meeting but didn't really allow myself enough time to find one. i am on for tomorrow and tuesday has been my meeting day typically since i've been on the road. i did end up seeing finding neverland at the cinema right across the street from the hotel as a weak alternative to a meeting. wow, what an tearjerker! i haven't cried that hard since i saw the hours or maybe it was frida, but it really hit home with me. i guess i had been living a pan like existence for a long, long time + with all the growing up i've done in the last year alone sometimes my mind wanders, just like this....

i left my heart....

2005-02-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

well i left san francisco yesterday and as usual with sf i wanted, needed more time. the last time i went in '99 it was not enough time, film or money, this time it was just the time i needed. i did have an amazing couple of days there though. went in early on friday and hit a bunch of the shops in and around market st.-kenneth cole, puma, levis, diesel, and really what's the big deal about diesel? anyways i ended up at the SFMoMA which was simply breathtaking!! soooo many beautiful things. had a nice lunch at the caffe museo ( in the museum, duh right) and got to make an amends to one of my oldest friends. i have known her for over 20 years and she was one of the first people who stopped hanging out with me because she couldn't bear to watch me falling apart. after that took the bart up to the castro and did some more shopping and met her husband for dinner at a great little pasta place. ohhhhhh i love, love, love sf and the thought of someday moving there really gets going......

the next day i got picked up and drove to eureka, ca. got to go through the redwoods. we stayed at a scary motel 6 and i think i left a bag with the dozen new cd's i have been picking up and 3 pairs of shoes. i can't believe i spaced it out and really hope i get all my crap back. i am a bit nervous as the motel looked sketchy, sketchy, sketchy and i don't know if i'm paranoid but i thought their was some illegal activities going on...

the drive today from eureka to portland was very, very beautiful, but seemed to take forever. more redwoods and rolling wavey coasts, bluffs and green mountains and tons of highway. we finally made it though. we are actually staying in a nice place relatively close to the city and i think i may go explore some of it tonight. it would be nice to meet a handsome portland boy to make out with. hmmmmm.....

okay the biggie finally...

2005-02-14T23:12:00.000-08:00

just to get you caught up from last "real" post, i guess i need to go back a few weeks. january 31st i left san antonio and flew to phoenix, which was a whirlwind. we flew in late on mon, set up our show on tuesday at the corona ranch. just the weekend before they had hosted a huge rodeo and the air was ripe, luckily they hauled off all the offending soon to be manure and the rest of the load in went okay. for as much slacking as i get to do when we have actual participants, they really get their moneys worth out of me on load ins and load outs. i'm a pretty strapping lad but i'm a little bit too much of a princess to be a mover, which is what i feel like on those dreaded load days. all that work for three show days and on the last day after everyone had left we packed it all up and for some god awful reason drove through the night to get to orange county. granted our hotel in phoenix was a bit scary, but it would have been soooo much more comfortable than trying to get comfortable in the back of a minivan. nothings worse than waking up with the feeling that you're going to drive off the road. we made it yes, but we were all exhausted, thankfully we'll hopefully never do that again.

after arriving in costa mesa some of the guys in our crew wanted to go to san diego, the very next day, i had had my fill of car time and decided to stay and explore on my own. that was the day i got a pedicure, manicure, massage and a fancy haircut (i have to treat myself good right?) and topped it off with a nice salmon dinner at a neighboring restuarant. sunny southern california was so beautiful. clear, sunny, hot-essentially heaven......i got to see downtown l.a. and the hollywood sign but really just enjoyed the down time. our venue at the orange county expo center was basically forgetable and last week really does seem soooo far away.

one of the best things i got to do there was go to a meeting! i went to a gay mens meeting in a neighboring city (santa ana) which i found with some help from orange county intergroup. the last meeting i was at was in mesquite, outside of dallas, but it was nothing like this. everyone was so sweet and nice and i got to more formally celebrate my first sober birthday. they gave me a cake and thirty beautiful gay men sang me happy birthday and they all signed a very naughty xxx birthday card and put my chip in there too. i really felt like i was at one of my home groups in mpls, which is where i really wanted to be to celebrate my one year, i'm just so grateful that their are other meetings for me out here though. i'm trying to make it to at least one meeting as week, what with 5 people sharing a car, sometimes seems like a feat in and of itself. all the downtime has provided me some great time for personal reflection, meditation, reading and thank god for my phone, which has kept me in touch with my life back in the mini apple.

so we left orange county this last saturday and spent the day driving up the coast, ohhh that sounds so romantic. it was actually the 101 vs. highway 1, but it was still beautiful. i did sleep a lot, but found some time to knit, chat and stare out the window. we got into san mateo in the early evening, after some turn arounds and bumbled directions. shortly there after i got picked up by my sf marrried couple friends, one of which i have known for over 20 years and i was so jazzed to see them. hugs and kisses, you get the idea right. they left minneapolis last may and have been giving sf a run for its money. they seemed so at home here and it really suits them. after a seemingly endless car ride into the city,w e got to their cute, cute place in upper haight. it was so perfect for them and beautiful i was so amazed. we walked to the cutest little sushi place by their house-amasia hide's sushi bar on noe ave and had a fabulous meal. i'm normally pretty easlily distracted, but all the hot handsome men everywhere were actually starting to becoming annoying as i felt i couldn't take them all in at once....oh that sounded weird, but all my problems should be this big. i used to "tear it up" with these friends sometimes till the wee drunken hours and i think they were shocked when i dozed off on the couch in a happy food coma later that night.

the next day we had crepes at the squat and gobble and spen the whole day running all around sf. lower haight to market to china basin to twin peaks to the castro to market again golden gate park to ocean beach to baker beach to the base of the golden gate to the marina to the presido to the legion of fine arts to north beach back to upper haight for indian food and then shoe shopping in lower haight (ohhhhh i got some cute shoes and way to many cds at ameoba records) then back to their place to chill, all on a sunday! sf is in bloom and the sweet smell of flowers and eucalyptus is everywhere. i don't know if it was valentines day being today, but i saw so many cute couples, gay and straight walking around holding hands, kissing and doing that really annoying cute thing i really want to do too. i saw some amazing diva magnolia trees in bloom and shot a whole roll of pictures of this one in golden gate park. i LOVE it here so much, i have even been toying with the idea of moving out here. i know its a lot to think about, but the thought has been spinning, spinning through my mind for days.......

okay so that brings me to today. happy v.d. y'all. even though it's supposed to rain all week i can hardly wait to get back into the city this friday, and that'll keep a smile on my face all week long.....

hello from the end of the world...

2005-02-13T22:05:00.000-08:00

yeah i'm finally staying in a hotel that has a business center with a computer! i really wanted to post a big one, as in a lengthy entry that is, but i have had such a long couple of days in san francisco, what with all the shopping, eating sushi, sightseeing and photo taking i'm just plumb exhausted. plus my ice cream from walgreens is starting to melt, more tomorrow i promise.....

just a quickie....

2005-02-10T10:29:00.000-08:00

thought i better post something, anything about what's been goin' on. i went to phoenix via san antonio (from my last post) and spent four busy, busy days there. left in a flurry and have been in costa mesa california right in the middle of orange county ever since. our new hotel and old hotel in phoenix, did not and do not have internet access, so a big, big post is soon forthcoming. so far so good-palm trees, 70's, iced lattes, sandals and spa style days of beauty.....

if the shoe fits....

2005-01-31T11:40:00.000-08:00

well i have been here in san antonio for the last 5 days and i'm packing to fly to phoenix tonight. spent yesterday at about a dozen shoe stores looking for some comfy slip ons to travel and work in, but really didn't find what i was looking for so i thought i'd just hold off until the west coast. i did get a couple items i needed and couple things i just wanted. i have to be careful to not over do it on the shopping tip as i'm trying to save some $$$ ultimately.

made an awesome dinner last night for my sister and her family. a nice salad of mixed feild greens and baby spinach tossed in a garlic vinagrette with amish blue cheese, candied walnuts, red pepper and onion and a crusty baguette. also had brolied salmon filets witha garlic lime butter atop a fresh veggie, herb and garlic risotto with steamed asparagus tips. i love to cook, err eat good food, and really miss being able to eat healthy on the road. unfortunately i get a fair share of fast food and can only say that whattaburger=whattadisaster. i am trying to eat good in spite of it all and my weight and size seem to be maintaining.

new music to check out:

low-the great destroyer
zap mama-ancestry in progress

i'm already looking forward to vacationing in portland, getting to see the ocean and relaxing..........

1+1....

2005-01-26T09:10:00.000-08:00

one year plus one day......

i could be in mexico......

2005-01-23T16:16:00.000-08:00

i think i am at the southern most point of my travels, san antonio, tx. i have spent a very mellow, relaxing weekend kickin' it in s.a. i fly back to dallas tonight and have shows mon-wed and fly back here for a few days before we fly to phoenix. staying with my sister's family has been great though. i've gotten to spend a lot of q.t. with my niece and even getting some good pictures. i got another camera for my b-day/x-mas too- a new canon rebel 35 mm! i have been taking some pix but need to set a little more time aside for it but whatever. i borrowed a new suitcase from my sister and ditched about 35 pounds of clothes, which was breaking my back already, and have my clothing down to a more reasonable amount. i just can't travel for a week at go and pack light enough to not have to check my bag, i think its a genetic flaw, i always overpack.

the first week of work could have gone a bit better. during my first chase drive i scared the pro driver a bit and have been asked not to drive any cars, show cars or rental, for the rest of the trip. not such a big deal employment wise, just leaves me stranded in the hotel or dependent on the help of others. hopefully this blows over by l.a.

also was a bit of an adjustment getting the schedule down and figuring out my place in it. only worked-out once (in the meager hotel gym) and didn't make it to any meetings. as far as meetings go, their is a meeting a mile or two away and if i have to i'll walk it, or get dropped off, or some combination of the two. my one year anniversary is tuesday and i feel it is imperative that i get to a meeting. as i learned last week i have to be responsible to get myself there, and my goal was and is to go to two meetings a week, and whatever it takes to get there, i'll do it.

i got some travel push-up bars to keep myself busy physically. i'll just need to be better about monitoring my diet, drinking lots of water and getting in a good workout when i can.

i miss my minneapple! i like being able to take the bus to the y, or a meeting, or anywhere i want. i don't think texans even know what mass transit is. plus to top it all off their isn't a coffee shop for miles-yikes. so have a quality espresso and say a little prayer for me...........

south of the border.......ummm not quite

2005-01-16T18:55:00.000-08:00

well day one finds me in dallas, texas. mesquite to be exact. long day of travelling as i was at the airport early and got here and started working almost imediately. sounds like i might be driving a "chase" car. essentially i would follow participants in my own brand new jetta and make sure they stay on the street course and follow the laws. sounds ok, but driving the same course all day long could get old too. it's too soon to say what i'll be doing. the hotel is okay, i think they mistakenly gave me my own room, not that i'm complaining, we'll just see how long it lasts.

i have long day tomorrow and i should try and rest up for it....

getting closer to an AARP card.....

2005-01-13T09:22:00.000-08:00

well it happened, i turned 30. i guess it was as monumental as i thought it would be. no new liver spots, faulty vision or hearing. the biggest change was not being wasted and the idea of turning 30 used to be enough to drink to, hell everything was a good enough excuse. i had a nice dinner at the king and i with a handful of friends. i think our server was a little miffed that no one chose to imbibe but whatever. as we were leaving though a wait assist, who i used to wait on at the pizza place, walked up and plopped a tequila shot down in front of me, all slow-mo style. i gingerly gave it to a hot guy at a neighboring table who was also celebrating a birthday. went out for an espresso and then off to home around midnight. i know i must be getting old, because i was so excited to be back and to work on my knitting projects.

ohhhhh so much to do today. 72 hours from now i'll be basking in the southern sun!

countdowns.......

2005-01-11T13:06:00.000-08:00

just a scant 10 hours left of my 20's.

four and half days until i leave on my trip for 6 months.

and finally

two weeks from today for a year of sobriety.

i'm getting a zero for my birthday...

2005-01-06T09:38:00.000-08:00

well i have less than week of my 20's left. i can hardly believe that i'm moving into a whole new decade of age. i mean its not a complete surprise, i've had almost 30 years to prepare. 29 has been a banner year with so many things coming back around, i guess getting older and moving on and is just natural. sometimes in the back of my head i hear a voice that tells me to go crazy and nuts and party for the end of it all, but this year has been crazy and nuts enough without havin' to booze and use. besides that not even an option for me anymore.

well it's happy day 7 of being unemployed. i have been staying busy doubling up on meetings and going to the gym. i have been doing a lot of cardio to try and hedge my weight down. i can't believe my waist is this small (32 inches!!) but i'm still over 200 pounds. the last time i was this small i weighed 175 pounds, i know i'm a lot stronger, it's just weird.

i got my itinerary fianlly and this trip is staring to feel very, very real. i'll be in sunny warm dallas in about 10 days now and starting a whole new chapter in my life.

2005-01-02T06:38:00.000-08:00

well it seems like the first sunday in a long time that i have been off from work. i had my last day yesterday at the coffee shop and get to look forward to two weeks of vacation before i take off. it felt weird to leave yesterday, rather ant-climaxtic, but whatever. i can walk away from it knowing i did a good job and that if space allowed i'd be welcome back, but for now-get your own damn latte!

new years eve was a blast. started about being pretty stressful, what with me being the decorating chair for the event, but it got done, everyone was happy and it even looked nice. i would gladly do it again next year and now know what to expect. i have been shying away from events like this in the past, for whatever reason, and i'm so glad i stayed and even got involved with this one. the boy i have a crush on was there, i got to slow dance with him and even tell him how i feel. sure he told me he's seeing someone, but i did it and i didn't explode! the old me would have drank up the courage, then came on too strong or too drunk and would have made a complete fool of myself. granted i did feel silly and bit foolish anyways, but with a little dignity. anyways he's too cute and it had to be done!

on my to do list before i go:
-meetings, meetings, meetings
-workout everyday
-thank you cards
-finish an art project
-shoot more pictures
-read and relax

well happy new year!!!

.....here and now, live in the......(lather, rinse, repeat)

2004-12-29T21:24:00.000-08:00

well i made it back safe and sound. i've actually been back for a few days, just enjoying get back into my old routines; meetings, gym, work, ect...

i only have one more shift left at the coffee shop and i can hardly wait. today was so hard after being off for a week. just busy, busy, busy. not that's its hard, just seemingly tedious. i only have one more shift left, this saturday, and for as much as i complain, i know i'll miss it. great, supportive co-workers who have become friends, some cool customers, the familiarity of it all.

ohh i leave in just a few weeks now and i find myself getting worked up, anxious and mildly panicky. i know things will work out i just have to constantly remind myself to stay in the moment and live in the here and now. dealing with issues from my past and even getting a few days ahead of myself has a tendency to freak me out. so for now i'm just breathing, relaxing and being grateful for all the wonderful things in my life.

-12 degrees, feels like -50

2004-12-23T13:49:00.000-08:00

ok i'm in duluth right now and it is soooooo cold. my mom's a bit tight with the heat and my little fingers are starting to go numb and dammit if i forgot to pack my fuzzy slippers. anyways i am having a blast hanging with my mom and catching up with some old friends. borrowed my mom's car, with her permission and blessing i might add to, and spent the afternoon shooting pictures of friends. met up with an old friend and previous housemate who i had burned pretty bad during the drinking days and it felt great to make an ammend to her and finally talk in-depth about what it was like, what had happened and what it's like now (sound familiar) and i learned so much from the experience and i'm so grateful that she's still willing to be my friend.

i have been running errands with my lovely mother today and the 30 second jaunts between the car and wherever we're headed were hellish. i'm in long underwear from head to toe but it doesn't feel like enough. i'm a bit salty too as i pulled a neck or shoulder muscle doing some pushups yesterday after i went to the gym, which was an experience in itself. it must have been moments before i arrived that the bus dropped off the silver sneaker squad, because i was honestly one of three people there under the age of 75. quite a change from the downtown y, but whatever right?

tonight i'm planning on making a nice dinner for my mom. my secret garden fresh garlic crabcakes atop mixed spring greens with steamed baby carrots, slivered red onions, asiago and a green garlic dressing with a fresh toasty baguette and baked brie. (side note to the boys who love boys-i cook like this all the time).

stay warm, happy holidays and all that jazz if i don't check for a few days and remeber only 20 days left of my 20's.

whattup with the weekend

2004-12-19T13:34:00.000-08:00

well with the writing of this i find myself in the christmas city of the north! yes duluth, mn that is. in preparation for my big trip i moved a bunch of stuff up here to my mom's house, so all that is left at my place in mpls are the clothes and random things i plan on bringing with me. drove up this afternoon, and i actually drove the whole way. feels weird to be behind the wheel again, with a valid license, but it's just like rididng a bike. drove in my friend david's car, a volvo wagon, which is something i could see myself in someday. david and i have the best talks as we have known each other from before we both got sober. so my old times and new times seem to make more sense to him as he has firsthand experience with both the old and new me.

went to some parties last night and i'm dragging ass today as i didn't get back home until 4am! i didn't drink but being in that enviroment i felt like i got a contact buzz and feel a bit emotionally hung-over today, and thankfully not really hung-over. party #1 was a 30th birthday party for a friend who i've known for about 15 years. he is the 2nd or 3rd in a long list of friends who turn 3o this year, myself included, and he seemed to take it in stride. i have been out occasionally, but really didn't feel right last night so i was sad to leave his party, but grateful to get out of the bar. party #2 was an annual solstice party at a house in nordeast. it was very strange to be back as the last time i was there was few years back and i was pretty messed up that night. not that i was falling down or anything, but a few friends there did know that i was pretty high and that made the party uncomfortable for a lot of people, myself included. that night i remember offering myself up to the fire and asking for help, help to stop and get sober which didn't come for a year or two, but felt awesome to come full circle and say a quiet prayer alone last night by the fire. it's still a trip to see folks who haven't seen me for awhile, they can't seem to get over the fact that i am indeed sober now, me too sometimes i guess.

well i'm off to my grandparents house for a turkey dinner and then back to minneapolis tonight yet, i wish i was just staying for the holidays, but i'll be back in just a few short days.

the new news...

2004-12-16T14:57:00.000-08:00

well i just got some news regarding my trip. the whole east coast trip is off.

i'm going on the west coast instead! so goodbye nyc, boston and dc; hello la, san fran and portland!

i guess i would have preferred the east coast, but whatever right. also found out today that i fly to dallas and start this whole fiasco on fri jan, 15 2005!

PAR-TAY!!!!

2004-12-12T09:23:00.000-08:00

what a great night last night. went to a birthday party for an old friend of mine. i have to admit i was a bit apprehensive to go, mostly unsure of what it would be like, but i had a blast! ran into so many people i used to work, party and play with and everyone was so excited that i was sober, me too. it was so nice to be out and having a good time and the thought of drinking really wasn't even present. obviously i thought about it, what with almost everyone drinking, but seeing some of the people who were drunk quickly set me straight again. ran into a guy who used to party with me just as hard if not harder, and he kind of dropped that he had gotten sober. whatta trip! he goes to some meetings i used to go to and he seems so happy. we chatted for quite a bit and the differences in us from what we used to be like was so evident. the weirdest event of the night was probably at the end when i left. i said my goodbyes and walked out to the car with the friends i had gone with. i honestly couldn't remember the last time or anytime i walked away from a party, and was a:) able to walk b:)coherent and sober and c:)left without offending anyone, doing anything stupid or generally making an ass of myself. who would have thought any of this could have been possible?!

december

2004-12-08T20:23:00.000-08:00

i can't believe that december is almost a third over and christmas is right around the corner + 2005 + my big birthday + the trip + 1 year anniversary aaaaaahhhhhhh. it feels so amazing that this is all happening to me right now, i just can't get carried away.

i made some big financial ammends this last week and paid off the bank and opened a new acct. + plus paid off some big tickets from the mid to late 90's and got my drivers license back. i had to retake the written test, but i got a 94%. it feels great to slowly be re-establishing myself again. i get so excited by having a checking acct. and a valid drivers license and most people look at me like "what you didn't have those things already?" i guess in some extreme ways i'm not your ordinary person.

i have been getting some great shots with the new camera. feels amazing to be making art again, even if it is just for me. i can't wait to take pictures around the great u.s. of a. things are just moving in such a great direction i can hardly believe, i just keeping waiting for the other shoe to drop.....but i'm not even going to go there.

i told my story for the first time at a meeting tonight and that was quite the trip. i felt like i wasn't even really there, like the words were just coming out, in a very disjointed, sparadic, nonsensical manner, but quite a few people said they got something out of it and that's all that counts. i dropped somethings and made skimmed over others, but these are just things to work on for the next time, which by the way is a week from tomorrow.

ohhhh i need to do so many things before bed and i have to work early but i probably just chill out and try to get to them tomorrow.

old blue eyes

2004-11-30T06:53:00.000-08:00

i can't believe i finally have a day off! it's such a beautiful, bright, yet crisp and sunny tuesday morning and the possibilities for today seem endless. i think i may go to the gym, lunch with a friend, the mpls art inst, a meeting later and since i deserve it a nap perhaps. i got up at 7:45 am and it seems so weird to me that is sleeping in, but after getting up at 4:40 for 3 consecutive days and 6 yesterday 2 hours has made all the difference. i really love being able to get up early though, not being hung over and having to spend the majority of the day trying to feel better. frank sinatra once said that he felt sorry for people who didn't drink because when they woke up that was as good as they were going to feel all day, whatta jackass.

anyways have a beautiful tuesday.....

2004-11-26T15:53:00.000-08:00

after much soul searching, praying and questioning i have decided to go on the trip! i am a wee bit scared (ok a lot) but wouldn't do this if i didn't think i could do it and stay sober at the same time. this will open many new doors for me and really make me work on seeking out a program, rather than just going to the same meetings i am used to. luckily i'll be in the different cities long enough to get my bearings and figure out where the meetings are, the big hurdle seemingly will be just getting there-which is something i'm am committed to doing. so before i go i have to:

-pack up my gear and put it in storage

-get my driver's license

-straighten out my finances

-buy luggage

-collect addresses

-wrap up some loose ends with people here in minneapolis

-perhaps try and figure out where i'll live when i come back

hmmmmmm.....sure this isn't everything, but it really doesn't seem like that much at all. i'm sure many more things will appear on the real list in my murse err.. i mean bike bag. so many things to think about and do and just thinking about waking up in nyc in the not so distant future makes me so giddy sometimes i just vibrate like a tuning fork.

THERE ARE LESS THAN 50 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL MY BIG 30TH BIRTHDAY (JAN 12)-please note the caps.

yesterday was probably the last day i'll ride my bike. i told myself i'd put my bike up once the snow fell. i hope my new taut bubble butt doesn't go south. i was going to drop another big chunk of $$$ on some new parts, but it can more than likely wait until next season + i need the $$$ for christmas presents-aaargh my family is so hard to shop for. i've got a photo project i need to finish up for gifts and yesterday i learned how to knit cute skull caps so look under the tree or in the "new it designer" aisle at josie wert ha!

the new camera works like a charm, still getting used to focal range i like and getting my aesthic back on. did some good self portraits and trying to capture people from my early recovery on film to take with + plus i have a really good road project i think, just not ready to talk about it yet.

such a long weekend of opening early and wanting to stay up late and the dreary weather really just makes me want to eat all the things i know i shouldn't, but everyone needs a little kfc right? ok off to a meeting and the gym, maybe.....

doors

2004-11-23T07:08:00.000-08:00

well i guess the old saying about one door closes and another opens is so very true. a little less than week after being let go from the restuarant the car show people got in touch with me and offered me a job!! i would be traveling to dallas, dc, philly, nyc, boston and a few other towns...errr cities. the $$$ would be the same, as in awesome, the biggest thing is going to be packing up my life and taking to the road for 6ish months. on one hand i get to visit all the cities i have always wanted to go to and make a lot of dough, but on the other hand i have to move out of the super safe enviroment i've been living in for the last 6 months. i'll still go to meetings just not the same meetings i have been used to for sooo long. oh.......i'm about 80% there yet i am leaving myself the option to not go if it doesn't feel right and essentially i could come back anytime i didn't feel safe, i just wouldn't have an apartment to come back to in mpls. i'll always have my mom's in duluth and can re-establish myself in june after the show is over. it's just soooo much to think about, i'm praying really hard and hope when i make my decision that i choose the right one.

old....or the opposite of...

2004-11-17T17:05:00.000-08:00

well so much can happen in a week. big news first, i got fired from the job mentioned in the previous post. things were going okay. not necessarily great and then saturday night hit. i wasn't really ready for the greek food riot that sat nite was and somewhat lost it a bit when this lady treated something like sub-human. i referred her in a not so nice way, to my trainer-away from the table and was a bit shocked to hear that is was probably the reason i was being let go. anyways i had kind of made some changes, luckily nothing reversible, and fortunately still have my job + hours back at the corporate coffee. drinking or otherwise, this a new record for me as far as being fired goes. i guess technically i was still training and we were kind of feeling each other, i just honestly wasn't excepting this. although i am accepting it and moving on graciously. thankful for being made wiser about myself and staying sober through it all. it still lingers though....

have been using the time to shoot some pictures with the new camera, which i usually refer to as my new baby and seeking out people to shoot. anyone want well done candid natural light pictures taken? let me know.

i have also been going to the gym more as i have the time and taking some of my frustrations out that way. my weight has been maintaining from the initial big loss, but i am putting on muscle and still dropping sizes. slipped into my new pair of levis this weekend-33 inches baby. yeah i could have gotten into the 32's but the 33's were such a perfect fit, without any sucking in of the gut required.

so i'm still praying pretty hard to get over this last week and working through my new obsessive idea of finding a mr. southsidechris which will come in due time, and not before february, anyways keep me in your thoughts, i try and post a bit more too.

new.....

2004-11-08T08:04:00.000-08:00

so today is monday and another start to a whole new week. i love the possibilites. i start my new job today waiting tables and i am a bit nervous and excited. i think i just need a few days under my belt to feel secure doing it, but i think everything will work out just fine. it is also the first monday in like 6 months that i haven't had to get up at the ass crack of dawn to push lattes to 'grateful" yuppies for 8 hours, yeah me!

someday this week my new camera arrives. i won it on ebay (sounds like a prize) but i was actually the top bidder, yes i guess i have to pay for my prize. anyways it's a like new twin lens reflex yashica mat 124-G medium format camera. i have had a few of these and the optical quality is amazing. i just can't wait to start shooting pictures again. it has been something like 3 or 4 years since i seriously shot anything. ohhhhh i can hardly wait.

also i'm supposed to go to a movie with a new friend this afternoon. either i heart huckabees or sideways, they both sound awesome. i like making new friends. she's a sassy artist who works in the bakery by the coffee shop and she is almost as sarcastic as i am, can you imagine that? anyways time to primp and get ready to go, wish me luck.

end scene from a movie

2004-11-01T22:58:00.000-08:00

LESTER:
I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...
(amused)
You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry...
You will someday.

i lifted this from a script site for the movie "American Beauty", i hope i don't got to jail or hell for doing this, but this is how i have been feeling lately. so many good things are happening in my life right now and with the focus and mindset to see a lot of them, at times it feels like my brain is on fire and their aren't enough hours in the day and i forget that i'm pissy without my sleep. so many plates are in the air right now and it feels great. a new job, art projects and school on my mind and in the near future, a trip out west for my 30th birthday, and my old body coming back....i am indeed super grateful.

on the eve of..

2004-10-29T18:43:00.000-07:00

it seems i haven't been posting with much regularity, but it's hard to tell if anyone is actually reading this. it's 2 days before halloween and all my feelings seem to be on high alert. traditionally halloween has been a bad time for me. 2 years ago i was being evicted from my apartment in kenwood and moving to duluth and last year i was getting kicked out by yet another friend in duluth and moving it with my mom at 28 years of age. i know things are completely different this year; ie. i'm sober, i'm back in mpls, ect, but it's just been on my mind lately. plus all the craziness that comes with this time of year. even the idea of going to a gay sober party kind of puts me on edge, not to mention all the drinkers and partiers who already seem to have that glint in their eye.....it's just making me a bit crazy. i have decided to not really celebrate this year, i just feel a bit like a stick in the mud. why don't i just get back out there and whatnot. i guess with all this indecision i know i should just steer clear, but it's everywhere.

in other news i'm down to 208 pounds! that's 57 pounds for those of you keeping track at home. it feels fantastic and the thought of getting back on 200 seems like less of a pipe dream.

also i got the serving job i went out for on a whim, i just know what to do about it. i have this feeling that they want me to quit the coffee shop, which doesn't sound so bad, but it would be a leap of faith. what if i can't hack it and i am suddenly without any employment. i guess more will be revealed and i have to play it by ear and really listen for the answers i know are out there singing in the ether....

12345678.......

2004-10-24T20:08:00.000-07:00

i love days off sooooooo much. i got to sleep in today, which is a treat for a sunday. lazed about the house, drank coffee and watched the color purple, one of my favorite movies of all time. i had a really good interview for a new additional job waiting tables. still feeling a wee bit apprehensive about getting back into serving, but if its meant to be it'll happen. i am not quitting my coffee job-i guess i'm just testing the water more or less.

also in honor of taking the day off i didn't go to the gym today. i made it to the gym though 4 times last week and feel stronger, leaner and sexier for it. i only weigh myself once a week or once every other, but feel like i may have lost 5 more pounds.

and the most exciting thing i think is tomorrow, or 2 hours to be exact, i'll have been sober 9 whole months in a row, still trips me out a bit to think about this, but it actually makes me more and more grateful with each passing day.

tomorrow is indeed monday and the start of a whole new week.......

s-d-r-a-w-k-c-a-b

2004-10-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

lets see it has been a few days (weeks) since i last posted so in reverse order here's what i have been up to as of late:

i just had my favorite thai dish paenang curry with chicken and cashews from chiang mai thai.

worked out pretty hard tonight and feel electric.

crappy day at work that ended on a good note thankfully.

took a break from opening the coffee shop this weekend to do my 5th step, i lived.

struggled last week with feeelings of intense cravings, which i vented at meetings, and with the help of praying made it through unscathed.

spent a few days in duluth with my mom, i love her soooo much. basically slept alot, watched some movies, walked the trail in it's autumn splendor by my the creek i grew up next to.

gave this awesome book, glory goes and gets some by emily carter to one of my oldest friends who will probably get as much out of it as i did. damn she's a lyrical genius.

saw rufus wainwright at the pantages theater on sunday night. i was a bit tired to fully enjoy it, but regardless his voice and piano playing really took my breath away.

went to a big gay sober roundup (minnesober) where a gay mortcian in recovery told his story and brought me to tears ( 5 times) for the 1st time in awhile. it wasn't the big cry/emotional release i have been aching for, but felt good and i learned alot by listening to him.

worked really early the morning previous to said roundup and was exhausted before, during and after the event.

friday night i went to my 1st bar show since i have been sober and saw my all time favorite band low at the triple rock. they played an entire set of only new music, and i felt bad for wanting to hear old material, but they did pull some out for their 1st and 2nd encores.

well i'm about a week away from 9 months and feel pretty okay about how things have been and are going. the winter and anticipated doldrums will be a big test, as will a trip to san fran and turning 30 right before i get my year, but that's all in the future, not so distant, but not so today either.

beautiful tuesdays R US

2004-10-05T09:30:00.000-07:00

whew-i can't believe it's october already it seems like the time has just flown right on by! so much has been happening and not happening at the same time i really don't know where to begin. well today i have the day off and got to sleep in until 9:30-whatta treat! i have been working early, early mornings since last friday and it was starting to wear me out, but after a good night's sleep that all seems like a thing of the past, until this weeknd i guess.

i'm wondering if i'm the only one who saw this, but i had my first run in ever with some fred phelps disiciples outside of the big gopher game this last weekend. i was biking along minding my own business when i ran into 10ish people brandishing their "god hates fags" signs and it really caught me off guard. i was so pissed i really got scared that i would do something rash. i had to pull over as i was trembling so hard from the rush of adreliane i was experiencing. i felt like going back and stealing their signs or worse like punching them in the face, but i knew that would make me no better than they were. i guess with our 1st ammendment rights everyone is entitled to their own opinions, negative or otherwise, i just felt rather helpless in that i felt i couldn't really do anything in response.

personally i have been dealing with some pretty intense feelings of loneliness and going through waves of depression. it's not as "whoa is me" as it sounds, it just comes on pretty intense and from out of nowhere it seems. i am dealing with being by myself and not being lonely pretty well, it's just at certain moments that i feel i need friends around and they are nowhere to be found. speaking of friends, i hung out with an old friend last night. he and i used to use pretty hard together and now he is also in recovery too, with about twice as much time as me. it's just weird to have a friend in both camps. i have friends i have made in recovery who never knew me while i was using, and i have old friends from before i got sober who knew me then, but aren't in recovery, its nice to see what i was like and what i'm like now reflected back in a friendship.

things on the hi-fi as of late:
tv on the radio, andrew bird, the postal service, beth orton, morphine, old magnetic fields, new rufus wainwright, i need some more new, new to me music any suggestions?

i have so much to do today i really need to get my ass in gear otherwise i could just sit here and blather on and on and on.....