Friday, May 12, 2006

bye, bye....

i've gone north.....

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

the new week....

this last weekend i found myself quite busy. worked on saturday so i could go to mayday on sunday. the parade and festival were both quite lovely, but something quite didn't feel the same. maybe it was because it was the first time i was there sober or without a huge mayday crew. i went to a brunch were i only knew my maydaydate, miss am'o, which was okay and actually forced me to meet some new people. went to the parade and found myself moved at some moments, confused at others, but overall filled with a sense of contentment. had to leave following the parade to deliver a catering order for work, but came right back after. caught up with my datye and wondered through the park for awhile and hung out with old friends. this like something other things aren't the same anymore since i've become sober. it was great to be present and part of the day, i guess that sense of detatchment i got from boozin' and usin' still feeels like it should be there sometimes, when in fact it never should have been. did that make sense? i'm not even quite sure if i "get it" yet.

monday was supposed to be my quit date for smoking. i made it until almost 3 o'clock when on auto-pilot i walked to the market and got a pack. i have cut down drastically. i have only smoked 10 cigarettes in the last two days, when i normally would have put away a pack and half. i'm still hanging on to the idea and hope to be in a better place by next monday. gonna try some gum action and just not give up yet. it is indeed a lot hard then i thought it would be. i thought i'd be filled with boundless energy, instead i was sleeping standing up and completely out of it. i know at some point i will have to completely detox before the physical cravings quit.

got my mile done in the pool today and it even seemed harder, could smoking be making me a better swimmer? i think i'm overthinking it. i had made a choice to not go to a meeting on tuesday, but i'm out of town all weekend and probably should get an extra meeting or two in before then. just 3 more work days until i get to drive on out odf minneapolis........

Friday, May 05, 2006

friday is the weekend.....

so lovely to have a day off during the week, just so i can sleep in and no others are at work. i did sleep in today and loved it. i always think i'll get up early on my days off but 10:30 isn't noon if that counts for anything. i did have a productive day though. went to work and got paid (hey i finally got a legimate raise), banking, cd shopping (sadly nothing), laundry, lunch, coffee with a friend, haircut and laps in the pool. i set a new personal distance record for myself today-50 laps in under an hour!! i can't get over how much i love, love, love to swim. the downtown y pool is so beautiful with its two story south facing windows and their is something about being under the weight of the water being completely devoided of sound and other distractions. topped it off with a meeting and dinner with firends. sadly my two days off are being interupted by a shift tomorrow, but only so i can go to mayday on sunday. i even have a maydaydate. its with a girl, but i hope she opens doors for me and brings me flowers......

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

mania, mania, mania.....

i have been finding myself a little on edge at work these last few weeks. i think in retrospect i have been a bit manic. an either all or nothing kind of thing. i'm just throwing this out there not really even knowing if i know what it is? yesterday bad, today great?! not questioning, just goin' with it.

i am soooooooo jazzed for the mayday parade and festival this weeknd i can hardly wait. i have been unable or unwilling to go for the last 3 or 4 years now. so my return on my current terms of sobriety sounds triumphant. the last few years i did go i was drunk by noon and out by 3. not such a pretty picture. it used to be such an amazing experience, when i was present, oh ramble ramble.... i just can't wait to go again.

i have to get outside. it could snow......

Monday, May 01, 2006

where did april go....

as it turns out i didn't post once in april. ooops my bad. part of the month my internet was out due to my bill not being in, fixed that then the modem went. apathy set in, work-work-work, not really feeling this as much lately, nice weather then bad-shit the list just goes on and on and on .......

anyways today was may 1st and the immigration walkout was in full effect! 95+% of the kitchen staff were out and the bare bones crew did their best to keep up but the effect was noticeable. i had to work today for many different reasons, but tried to do my part by not spending any $$$ today. i really want some ice cream right now but i will not break down. i'm not terribly political, but i think this falls in with equality issues and the like, so i tried to do a little bit anyways.

i have been taking pictures again and feel inspired more than ever to work. i have been trying to discipline myself to dedicate more time to this, and it's starting to come around. i'm trying to cut down a few meetings as well as days at the gym and just get serious about making something, fucking anything at this point. the ideas are flying like X induced ephinanies, minus the obvious, and i know i just need to hang on a bit and it'll happen in all due time.

money stuff sucks.

springtime rocks twice as hard as the previous.

lilacs, deeper greens, open windows, tanned smiles.....