Tuesday, December 06, 2005

bars and stars:what it was like....part 1

i started going out to the bars a few months before i turned 21. i had recently relocated to duluth and the only "real" outlet for gay culture was the one bar at the time. i got grandfathered in because on my first night there i had a fling with the bartender and was welcome back any night he was there. i discovered this only worked on his nights on, other less attractive bartenders weren't so nice about it. up until that point i really didn't drink all that much. having had some bad experiences previously and knowing the history of my family kind of kept me in check, as far as alcohol went. i over did other things at the time. that autumn and the following winter were probably the first spree i ever had. so i found myself living in duluth again with my best friend at the time and she and i were miserable. we had few friends remaining there and things just seemed bleak. ice, drink, repeat. we weren't even cocktail drinkers. just a few shots too many here and there. thinking back on this time things weren't all that bad, but the misery and loneliness does stand out.

the next year i moved back and things just kind of snowballed from there. i remember going out for just a few cocktails at this german place with a killer patio. seriously just a few, but almost every night. 2 became 3 which begat 4 and so on and so forth. i can't really pin point a time or a reson, but i liked the taste and feelings of drinking and being out and about. at some point my life bagan to revolve around this schedule. i worked afternoons and evenings and got off in enough time to go out for a few hours every night. things really strted to progress in this hazy period as my blackouts became more frequent. sparadic but the pattern began to form.

i was really buying into my own line of crap that i was a budding socialite and i had an audience and appearances to keep up-so the going out and drinking was justified. ha! right? i was constantly morphing the people i hung out with so that i was in the company of people who liked to party like i did, which was alot. kind of like trading up, but not really.

somehow i really began to party and the person i once was had been replaced by the socialite. i was out on the town every night. staying in was the exception. i was on some guest lists and knew bartenders and was getting hooked up all over town which really fed the entitlement issues i was having. i dissed people hard and basically did what i wanted. i one night consciencously made a decision to regret nothing, which i would really come to regret.

i traded in a job i liked in the arts, with salary, so i could wait tables and basically party all night. i really couldn't be bothered with actually being at work at 10 or 11 or 2 sometimes. i thought i had it all figured out and felt completely invincible and infallible. here was a job were i could drink and party at work and they would never fire me because i was such a character and a customer favorite. of course this wasn't all true. i discovered that when i was fired.

somehow i managed to scrimp and scam enough to keep this little lie of a life going. of course no one else really knew what was going on. the shambles of my life was a well kept secret and not some wickedly ugly drama that was unfolding in the laps of people that still cared about me, the old me. yes things were kept well under wraps, or at least thats what i thought......

2 Comments:

Blogger JD_612 said...

Hmm... This is all sounding so familliar. Part because you told me some before and part because I can relate. Looking forward to installment 2. Thanks Chris!

7:32 PM  
Blogger Beret said...

I'm also looking forward to the next installment. Very interesting reading...

3:07 AM  

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