Tuesday, November 22, 2005

a state of mind/mine....

i have been thinking about an occurence i had last week. i was on my way home with a pint of ben & jerrys (1 of 2 last week)at about 9pm on a thursday. i was heading home from the local bodega when i was passed by three decked out punkesque girls obviously out for a big night. i must have been in a pre-ice cream trance as i didn't recognize one of the girls, whom i knew, until she said a quick hey hows it going in passing. just two acquaintances passing on the street but no big deal.

it did get my mind spinning and starting to trick me. i started to lament the fact that i was going home instead of going out and where was my edge, my chaosity. the funniest thing is when i reflect back on what i was like i remember (falsely) myself as having man make up and an elton john wardrobe. if you know me this is really funny as i tend to look more like a j crew catalog (solid earth tone colors and natural fibers) versus a gucci ad (poly black monchromes with wet hair and makeup.) then i start to wonder, where did my clothes go? i never wore make up-ok maybe once or twice-and i still dress basically the same. the fabulousness i remember tends to be chemically induced. my life and its intensity wwere so distorted by alcohol that i bought into my whole line of faulty thinking, even in glimpses of the past today.

a day or two before halloween three years ago i knew i was leaving minneapolis for duluth. the idea was a geographic move would help my problems-drugs and alcohol, which as this blog has shown from its inception that indeed did not. i was driving around with an old co-worker bar hopping, getting high in the process, but mostly freaking out. i feared most winding up in some wranglers and a flannel. he told me one of the best pieces of advice ever-girrrrrrrl you have the right to remain fabulous. ok maybe not best ever, but good.

so i figured out before i got to my little sanctuary of an apartment here on the southside that i was indeed excited to be going home, that i don't really need anymore chaos than what life tosses at me, that i am fabulous and cute and hey where are the spoons.....

3 Comments:

Blogger JD_612 said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:03 PM  
Blogger JD_612 said...

I think we should work on the Elton John look a bit more. Or if you're doubting your fabuloussnesssss we could just jump right into the Ru Paul look. =c)

10:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your blog from another site. I celebrated my 34th birthday yesterday and have been wrestling with the "image" questions for a while now.

Thank you for putting into words what I quite couldn't. Everything I knew about myself in the disease was distorted and extreme.

9:17 PM  

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