Sunday, November 27, 2005

a turkey, 22, and off i go...

i guess i fell off the "i'll try and post everyday" wagon a few days back-ooops. i was just thinking what has happened in the last few days-oh yeah thanksgiving. this year, once again, i have so much to be thankful and grateful for. my mom went out of state and my dad lives out of state, so i was sort of orphaned this year again. i luckily had an invite to an awesome thanksgiving dinner at my friend billy's house. a good number of people came and went that day and i felt so comfortable there. i even got to carve the turkey! i love to carve. my grandfather taught me how before his hands got too bad from carpal tunnel. the funny thing about billy's was i new i was scared to go, mainly because i didn't want anyone to know i was scared not to go and be alone for a holiday, and i'm so glad i did go. i feel like i got to hang out with people who i know from meetings and even socialize with, but whom i never get to have great one on one conversations with.

i hit 22 months on friday and that was pretty big in my book. worked with my new sponsees some, went to some meetings and even got to meet with my sponsor too!

i picked up some extra shifts this weekend at work as i'll be heading out of town later this week and the time away will be much appreciated and surely needed by then....

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

a state of mind/mine....

i have been thinking about an occurence i had last week. i was on my way home with a pint of ben & jerrys (1 of 2 last week)at about 9pm on a thursday. i was heading home from the local bodega when i was passed by three decked out punkesque girls obviously out for a big night. i must have been in a pre-ice cream trance as i didn't recognize one of the girls, whom i knew, until she said a quick hey hows it going in passing. just two acquaintances passing on the street but no big deal.

it did get my mind spinning and starting to trick me. i started to lament the fact that i was going home instead of going out and where was my edge, my chaosity. the funniest thing is when i reflect back on what i was like i remember (falsely) myself as having man make up and an elton john wardrobe. if you know me this is really funny as i tend to look more like a j crew catalog (solid earth tone colors and natural fibers) versus a gucci ad (poly black monchromes with wet hair and makeup.) then i start to wonder, where did my clothes go? i never wore make up-ok maybe once or twice-and i still dress basically the same. the fabulousness i remember tends to be chemically induced. my life and its intensity wwere so distorted by alcohol that i bought into my whole line of faulty thinking, even in glimpses of the past today.

a day or two before halloween three years ago i knew i was leaving minneapolis for duluth. the idea was a geographic move would help my problems-drugs and alcohol, which as this blog has shown from its inception that indeed did not. i was driving around with an old co-worker bar hopping, getting high in the process, but mostly freaking out. i feared most winding up in some wranglers and a flannel. he told me one of the best pieces of advice ever-girrrrrrrl you have the right to remain fabulous. ok maybe not best ever, but good.

so i figured out before i got to my little sanctuary of an apartment here on the southside that i was indeed excited to be going home, that i don't really need anymore chaos than what life tosses at me, that i am fabulous and cute and hey where are the spoons.....

Sunday, November 20, 2005

the sabbath.....

i guess the biggest flipside to having a friday on thursday is that your monday is sunday. i worked early this morning and it wasn't that bad. things are starting to slow down at the cafe and they just caught up the schedule and are over-staffing. good for customers, bad for tip pooling. no major dramas, no insane customers, it just was.

had a fractured afternoon after work. decided to skip the gym (naughty, naughty) and get caught up on some cooking and bill paying. the fun stuff. i also had to get my car to a shop in deep south minneapolis for an early monday am appt. was on the phone with my mom, when my friend called and said he could take me to the shop, not at 8 but right then at 5. call waiting and it's a friend from out of town, surprise, whom i haven't seen in over a year, wants to come over and go to a meeting later, line 2 again, my sponsor, wants to meet for a mutual missed meeting on friday, can't. ride is on its way, dinner is only 1/3 of the way done, call back mom-gotta go. go to the shop come back, friend comes over, get dinner ready to go in oven-he has already eaten, i'm unshowered. quick wrap dinner, shower and shave, chill and chat and go to a meeting. awesome meeting. good, no great people, great topic, great shares, great fellowship after (breif) and home to finally cook dinner. ohhhhh it was so good and even somewhat healthy. low fat factor wrecked by peanut butter brownie i buy from the lil' big bakery on lyndale and finally some downtime. $$$$$ stuff rots the brain and i finally start and complete most of the bill pay process. the whole paying for services and goods i have received is a new thing. i'm not sure what i did 2 years ago. oh yeah it wasn't much and it was usually cash. the waitress days. i sure could use some of that kind of tip money now, but not the insanity. i guess i did get a good amount done today. enough to be happy anyways. got to see a ton of happy shiny peeps and feel ok to go into tomorrow anew......

Saturday, November 19, 2005

for arts sake....

i feel a bit more inspired then i did a few days back. my old time frined sienna was down with another firend and we hit many, many art shows. i tend to go check out alot of art by myself, that and the gym are my main bachelor hobbies, so it was nice to have some art lovin' company. ran into an old friend at an opening last night, someone whom i haven't seen since san francisco circa 1999 as well as another artict, and i foresee great things happening there. they both have so much talent and drive, i hope some of that rubs off.

besides the alec soth photographs at the nash gallery, i would have to say the highlight of the afternoon was a wonderful late lunch at cafe barbette. i alwys forget how much i love it there. we had a perfect corner bistro bench table (?) with a view of all the comings and goings of west lake street and the setting sun. the candles were lit and amazing cheeses were served. are gregarious server was just flirty enough and very proficent, to make the experince evn more memorable. ummmmmm portland blue cheese i love you.....

busy, busy, busy

sleep in, go to work for check, bank, gym,lunch, grocery shopping, veras, dinner, meeting, coffee, art opening, babalu, gay 90's-sleep......

Thursday, November 17, 2005

thursday=friday

i have waited all week for today. for most people out there, their is still one more day of work, but for me today is my friday. granted i work on sundays-that is so beside the point. i get to stay up late and do all the things i have been putting off. fun stuff like making cds, knitting some and right now i'm listening to a live andrew bird concert on fabchannel.com. its actually video on demand, but i can't watch him and blog at the same time. i may have to bounce back and forth.

i was a bit late for work, which wasn't a big deal, i just felt bad, more like guilty...ugggghhh. it just makes me seem a bit off if i don't have some adequate me time in the a.m. i even felt like taking a half day, but i tyhought "dammit i made it this far in the week, i can do it." i did indeed make it but that last hour was hard.

finally took my car into the shop and have an appointment for monday. this guy better be good as i drove past several shops to get there. everytime i bring his name up though i hear good things, so i feel a bit better. the car must be scared a bit too, because the problem fixed itself today. it will probably be broken again tomorrow, so in to the shop she goes regardless.

well 2 days of blogging, in a row. can you belive it?

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

so much has happened in the last ten days i feel like an accurate post would be like a mind dump on all of you readers, anonymous as you are. speaking of-you can comment on any or all of these posts, it helps to make this feel less one sided. anyways i'll try to post more often. if readers comment more. or whatever-this sounds like hostage negotiations....

the new job is going along quite well and i've been kicking myself in the pants for not going full time sooner. oh well hindsight is always 20-20. just like my vision still. i have been picking up some manager shifts and the momentum is building to hopefully just getting paid like manager even when i'm not. i guess it happens eventually-that is according to the manager hire before me. the other job, the high paying traveling one, seems like it might be out of the question for next year. i am a bit down, but not out yet! luckily i made some of my own connections last year and hopefully that will pay off.

the weather dropped like like a shit ton of bricks and all hell has broken loose! yes i'm excited. i was hoping to ease into winter with a fluffy dusting of fun snow complete with sledding and hot cocoas, but no we get an ice storm and some deep freeze january nonsensical bulllllshit. the two big problems i'm encountering right now are the lack of blowing air from my car's supposed heater, which really wasn't a problem on sunday, and the abundance of blowing air into my apartment-from outside. i guess "classic apartment" sometimes means shotty windows. luckily i don't pay for heat, but unfortunately it must be on during the day when i'm at work. wow this sounds pisssssy. ok, i shut all the storm windows and have called the manager about the really ugly ones, we'll see.

my photo class was kind of a waste as i didn't get as much out of it as i had hoped. the brunt of my work has been medium format color and the class was black and white. i thought i could get something out of it, but just found myself having a hard time "seeing" in black and white again. i guess i didn't access it enough and the $$$ i put out would have been better spent on paying a lab to make some prints for me. short of going digital, for outputs only, i have to come up with something or i feel i might go crazy. i need to figure out how to ease back into this again. it feels a bit forced, but a wait and see attitude is seeming a bit too laissez-faire.........

i'm still hitting 2 to 4 meetings a week and feel great about the direction of my recovery though. over the weekend i got 2 sponsees and i'm soooooo excited and scared. they both that i am-it is rigorous honesty after all, but i only hope i can do for them what my sponsor and others have done for me. i have been sober now for 661 days-oh that looks so weird. you can figure out your number of days here. sometimes i forget that i have come such a long way and hardly remember who that person was, and then bam it all comes back to me and i recall why this whole amazing journey started in the first place. oh life......

in closing i have been trying to be diligent about eating better and working out more consistently. you'll be glad to know i'm down to 2ish pints a week of ben&jerrys. things would be better had they not come out with this though. in spite of that evil new flavor i have finally hit my lil' mini goal of getting under the 200 pound mark. 197 is ever so slightly under that, but on the gym scale-which i only go on once a week, i move the big block one stop less now, and damn that feels great........

Saturday, November 05, 2005

breaking free from the herd......

i had my last day at the corp. coffee shop today. i wish i could say i was done dealing with ultra-high maintenance suburban uptowners, but no such luck. my new job provides me with plenty of them, but at least they tip more, which makes the workin easier-sort of. i am looking forward to getting into my new schedule of 5 days a week(2 days off every week and in a row!) and stepping up to my new promotion and trying to keep kicking ass and not taking the whining and crying of the customers personal. when i was at the pizza place the mantra was "it's just fuckin' pizza" substitue brunch and you get the idea.

speaking of taking things personally - another blast from my early recovery past popped into my life again today at the big gay coffee shop after work. granted it was over someone else's phone at a different table and the caller was 2,000 miles away but bam! early recovery was such an intense time for me grasping for new friends and seeking fellowship wherever i could. so many people were very integral and important in my life then and it was a hard pill to swallow when they and i would "drift" apart or go different ways. not necessarily relasping either. just doing different things. my closest friend in treatment and i grew apart and the same with people from subsquent housing situations. we are and were momentarily eternal to each other at that time-its just tough when people stop calling, stop showing up and start doing other things and i feel left behind. i know its not one sided and i have grown and changed from that person i was 21+ months ago and thankfully most things never stay the same. i am just thinking of the differences in the "snapshot of my life" then and now. just a thought.

have been making my meetings, making myself available to meet new peeps, running into and hanging out with old pals and still finding time to get some me time into be at the gym or just sitting at home. its cold and rainy oustide right now and i'm loving being home for the night.................

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

one holiday down, three to go

well halloween weekend is over and the only thing left are half off sales on costumes accessories and the bleary eyed hangovers of those who chose to imbibe last night, or friday thru monday depending on how "big" halloween is for you. i really enjoyed a nice quiet weekend and topped it off with a performance of measure for measure by billy shakespeare at the guthrie. it was done in the traditional sense with an all male cast and was really quite amazing. i really didn't know anything about this play before i saw it, but absolutely loved the way the story unfolded. As always when i see good theater, i wonder why i don't see more, then i remember that the tickets were free (and great), but that really isn't even an excuse.

my good friend toni is here for a few days before she takes off for her parents house and then onto mexico for 6+ months to learn spanish and immerse herself in mexican culture. i love her soooo much. she was one of my good friends from before i went into treatment and has always been so supportive, and i think the experience only made our friendship stronger and that much more solid. she had the same anti-halloween sentiment as i did, so we spent last night watching north country at the lagoon after a quick bite at chiang mai thai.

i had yesterday off and took today off to boot. i still so long for those last months of summer i had this year, post-trip, not working and spending my time doing whatever it was i felt necessary. reality-pishaw! just a few more days in the herd at the corp. coffee shop and then onto a five day work week with new title and raise in hand. it still has a "would you like fries with that" feel, just a bit more lax and eclectic. i should find out some details soon about the upcoming travels/work and will keep you all updated....