Sunday, June 26, 2005

planes, trains and automobiles (really)....

so back again safe and sound on a 10+ day break from my job. portland was such a good time it was hard to leave indeed. the last time i was there i had 2 more weeks and felt like i could have used this time as it seemed we just got there and then we left again. i did catch some good new music (new to me) - the mountain goats, who played at the uber trendy doug fir and got to eat in many wonderful restuarants, most of which were in renovated victorian mansions, and all super tasty. devin, a friend of my pal anisa, has the low, low down on all good eats in pdx, and should surely have her on food column, someday perhaps.

i did get my pictures finally on my last day there and it was quite a trip to flip through so many images in one sitting. they weren't really organized outside of black and white vs. color so i would in one roll be looking at images from two months ago and then bam looking at images from 5-6 years ago. some images i had forgotten about, some amazing ones, a few amazingly bad and some theat were just there. it was all very overwhelming and after seeing them all i cried a bit. not a weepy gush, but more for things and people lost, things and moments which will never repeat, for the better or the worse. i think the images that set me off most were some of the final images i actively made. as my addiction increased the amount of work i made decreased (surprise right) to the point i wasn't even making art for the final two years before i went into treatment. those last images are so sad, somber and basically depressing. i look as if i am literally not present in my body, like some decaying shadow of a person i and others used to know was gone. i used to shoot pictures in the wee a.m. mornings of all night binges thinking the work i was making was so profound and significant. i guess it is in a different way now. i still can remember the subtle details and the events of those times and can't ever forget them for my own sake, but now i know how to look at them for what they were and quit viewing them through rose colored lens.

anyways i am currently sorting and slowly looking at all the images i had made and trying to organize them in my own mind in an attempt to get ready to try and share them with the world....

oops blog tangent. the post title was supposed to be about my ten hour car trip to sacremento before my 6 hour flight to duluth, topped off by my 3 hour train ride once i got here, oh well.

p.s. 17 months yesterday....

Sunday, June 19, 2005

update...

well i feel bad that i haven't posted in a while, things have been pretty busy, busy, busy. anyways i had a great time being home for a week and some days. getting to hang out with my mom + extended family, catch up to old friends and still find time to workout and a mini road trip too to minneapolis. the more i see old friends from my somewhat haunted past the better i feel about getting to know them again and in some cases for the first time, with a newer and deeper understanding. i love you all, and if you reading this, post a comment already goddammit!! minneapolis was blur, but time to see my awesome sponsor, check in at an old meeting and hang out with friends and fellows to boot.

i took off for seattle a little over a week ago and had a very hectic week there. the pilot show or t3 (train the trainer) can usually be pretty painful, with all the minor tweakings and just getting things perfect, i start to lose my mind when i do something, do it different and then go back to the way i did it before, sometimes over and over, i find myself a bit frustrated, but at these moments i really rely on prayer, patience and the ability to call somebody and hash it out, rather than shut down and drink.

had a minor breakdown with my boss, which was terrifying, but ended up being good as a lot of cards were put on the table and thankfully we can start over with a new understanding for our next show in our next city-portland, which is where i am right now. also had a major fiasco involving $300 in excessive, unauthorized charges to my credit card which was quite fun to work out with my bank and the hotel, but got it righted, with lots of phone calls and several trips to the front desk.

spent the morning driving down the coast listening to rufus wainwright, elliot smith, m.i.a. and watching the beauty roll by at 60 mph. we didn't get to stop but i have a feeling i need to get to olympia sometime soon, the trees they beckon. made good time to pdx, checked in at the new hotel, dropped off my gear and jumped the train to catch my friend working at the saturday market. we caught a bite with a friend of hers at a place called lovely hula hands which was cute little pink house in noth portland and topped it off with french desserts and espressos at a chocalate cafe.

i have such a short time here (5 days) i feel a bit rushed, but i am making the most of it. tomorrow is the gay pride parade here! plus this wednesday i pick up the massive film order i sent in a few weeks back. i went through my photography trunks and sent in all my old film to be developed and printed, a hundred rolls in all, and can't wait to see them. 1,200+ never before seen images, it makes my head spin.......

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

minnesnowta in springtime.....

well i made it back here to the land of ten thousand lakes safe and sound. from up above in the plane breaking through the crowds it was so pretty and made me even calmer to be back. i was in minneapolis for about 30 minutes and then off to duluth, wher its springtime for the first time. lilacs budding, blooming trees and tulips popping up, ahhhhhhh the sights and smells.

got to hang out with some friends earlier and completed a project for my mom. i mean i landed yesterday and i've already pressure washed and sealed the back deck and front porch for her and i imagine she has a few other things for me to do before i take off again. i love her sooo much and its just been great to be back.

well i have been putting off making any decisions about what to do when i get done with this next tour and looks like i'll try to go back to school in the cities nad hang out until the next winter when i hopefully go back out on the road, but thats a whole life away from here.

trying to get in as much time with family, friends and hitting the gym as much as possible (i made it today too!) and just wind down and relax before i have to head back out next friday......