Thursday, March 17, 2005

st. patty's....

well its st patricks day and its quite a trip to be back home in duluth. st pats has had a certain power in the calendar of my life. 2 years ago today was when i gave up my 3 or 4 day attempt at sobriety, all by myself dry drunkin it, and decided to go balls to the walls. if you're trying to quit drinking the last thing you need to do is go to a st. pat's party. i had been staying in for a few days just sitting at home pissed and doing nothing but thinking about drinking. i went to said party and was good for about 2 hours and i just couldn't take it. i threw back whiskeys and guinesses in a feverishish attempt to catch up and before i knew i was puking off the back porch and stumbling to the neighborhood bar in a blackout. seriously that's what the next 10 months were like, every night. i remember that i used to use that as an anniversary date of sorts, like i have been going hard for 2 months. i used to stop and think "whew i can't believe i'm still going at it" of course saying this to myself on my nightly trip to my second full time job at the time, getting drunk. it was in this 10 month period that i did almost as much damage to myself and others as i had in the previous 10-15 years leading up to it. really debasing, awful, horrible stuff and that was nice compared to how i treated my friends and loved ones. i mention this mainly because i have been using this time home to get caught up and to make some ammends to people from this time. even after making the ammends it still can be hard for me to look some people in the eye. almost all are just excited that i have been sober for so long and see the change in me, i guess its more just hard on me to let go of how i was. granted i wish i could just forget it and move on, but that would be far to easy and probably would just be worse in the long run.
i actually went out tonight and what it trip is was to see so many people drinking. honestly it doesn't make me jones or trigger, a sick part of me likes to watch people drink, kind of like the morbid tabloid curiousity that possesses people to slow down at the scene of an accident. i was a bit nervous at first and had told the friends i went with that if i needed to i would just leave, but i had great time. i got to see a bunch of old friends and acquaintances and it was kind of refreshing to walk out 2 hours later sober and drive my friends home. i was so used to be carried out that it was nice to depart with my head held high.
literally little miracles everyday are what its all about.....


Blogger GratefulGuy said...

Hey there Chris...What is up? Glad to see you are back in the state...Are you coming down?

Call your sponsor!

9:50 PM  

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