Sunday, March 27, 2005

under the knife, the drill, the chisel......

for better or worse i'm going to the dentist tomorrow. actually an oral surgeon to have a long overdue wisdom tooth pulled, rather yanked or chopped or whatever, i am a bit scared but ready. over the last few weeks it has become quite unbearable, ecspecially when my tylenol wears off. i have this love/hate relationship with the dentist. i know i have put going off for so long, or rather i was too busy getting wrecked to go, so in a way i've had it coming.

i have been having an amazing time being back in duluth though. catching up with really good old friends, many i haven't seen in a long time. getting caught up on my ammends, tying up old loose ends and just being around. i have even gone out a few times, sometimes its weird to be in my old haunts, but really the prospect of getting tosssed just really isn't an option anymore and a great part of that fear feeels lifted.

to counter that i even went to a meeting this week here and even made a day trip to minneapolis. got to check in with my sponsor, go to my home group, check in with old friends and people who mean a lot to me and really, really helped me out in the beginning when i was struggling to get my feet back on the ground and get my bearings straight. thankfully friday was also my 14th month anniversary, time sure flies.

for a little icing on my minneapolis cake i got to see a LIFE CHANGING (note the caps) exhibit at the minneapolis inst. of arts. if you have a chance go and see the alec soth showing of portraits up right now in the maep gallery on the first floor. its free and utterly fantastic!!! soth is somebody i met at a non-profit photo gallery i used to work at back in 1999, and in the last two years his work and career have taken off in such a monumental way. i'm watching ever so closely, i want that too.

well i guess i'll be sucking down malts and smoothies for the next couple of days, laying around on the couch watching movies and kicking back........

Thursday, March 17, 2005

st. patty's....

well its st patricks day and its quite a trip to be back home in duluth. st pats has had a certain power in the calendar of my life. 2 years ago today was when i gave up my 3 or 4 day attempt at sobriety, all by myself dry drunkin it, and decided to go balls to the walls. if you're trying to quit drinking the last thing you need to do is go to a st. pat's party. i had been staying in for a few days just sitting at home pissed and doing nothing but thinking about drinking. i went to said party and was good for about 2 hours and i just couldn't take it. i threw back whiskeys and guinesses in a feverishish attempt to catch up and before i knew i was puking off the back porch and stumbling to the neighborhood bar in a blackout. seriously that's what the next 10 months were like, every night. i remember that i used to use that as an anniversary date of sorts, like i have been going hard for 2 months. i used to stop and think "whew i can't believe i'm still going at it" of course saying this to myself on my nightly trip to my second full time job at the time, getting drunk. it was in this 10 month period that i did almost as much damage to myself and others as i had in the previous 10-15 years leading up to it. really debasing, awful, horrible stuff and that was nice compared to how i treated my friends and loved ones. i mention this mainly because i have been using this time home to get caught up and to make some ammends to people from this time. even after making the ammends it still can be hard for me to look some people in the eye. almost all are just excited that i have been sober for so long and see the change in me, i guess its more just hard on me to let go of how i was. granted i wish i could just forget it and move on, but that would be far to easy and probably would just be worse in the long run.
i actually went out tonight and what it trip is was to see so many people drinking. honestly it doesn't make me jones or trigger, a sick part of me likes to watch people drink, kind of like the morbid tabloid curiousity that possesses people to slow down at the scene of an accident. i was a bit nervous at first and had told the friends i went with that if i needed to i would just leave, but i had great time. i got to see a bunch of old friends and acquaintances and it was kind of refreshing to walk out 2 hours later sober and drive my friends home. i was so used to be carried out that it was nice to depart with my head held high.
literally little miracles everyday are what its all about.....

Saturday, March 12, 2005

enso.....

i'm back in texas and have almost come around full circle. vancouver was a complete blur as we were only there for 4 days. arrived on sunday, set up on monday, did the show tuesday and wednesday and took it it down and put it away for the last time weds night. we weren't even really in vancouver, we were in surrey, which was about 1/2 hour away, so i guess like phoenix i get to save seeing it for another time. i think everyone on the show, myself included, were pretty excited for it to be over. it was really hard to come back to work after having ten days off, but it had to be done. i am now on an extended vacation until april 5th when i fly to miami and start working for a few more months. i was signed up to another show later in the year, which would have given me most of the summer off, but now it looks like i'll work through most of the summer and have the rest of the year off. august looks pretty far away from here, but i am excited about all the new cities i'll get to see.

i go back to minnesota this tuesday and while i'm excited to get home, i'm also scared of the weather i know i'll be going back to. it has been spring everywhere we have been. budding trees, bulbs blooming and green, green, green everywhere and i know that minnesnowta is going to be a chilly white tundra, but inspite of it all i am looking forward to being home................

Friday, March 04, 2005

untitled (for arts sake)

well 2 addresses later and a gap between what the www says to be fact and fact i found my meeting on weds at midnight only to find their was no weds meeting anymore, was that a run on sentence or what. anyways 1st thursday here kicked ass!! i guess their was a lot of mediocre art to wade through, but it was all worth it to see two of my all time favorite photographers-nan goldin and david hilliard in a group show at the elizabeth leach gallery. when we walked in and i saw the hilliard photographs on a far wall i almost knocked over a lady on my way to see them. he is a genius and one of my all time idols, i want to be like him when "i grow up". oh i can't say enough + then to turn around and see some nan goldins on an opposing wall was some what akin to art nirvana. i don't know who i love more, the two photgraphers in question or the gallerist that brought them together. oh it just excites me sooo much and gets me burning, burning mad with the desire to actually show my work in a gallery again. minneapolis art scene-WATCH OUT!!

today we woke up without much of a plan and decided to drive to seattle. my friend is a designer and needed to bring some clothes up and look into some other shops to carry her work, so their was sort of a purpose behind the trip, but for the most part it was pretty casual. we did get to see some beautiful neighborhoods-pioneer square, fremont, university, the peirs and greenwood and even took in a fabulous meal at a vegetarin restuarant named carlitas. two words-smoked garlic. yummmmmmmmm and then some more. on the way out of town we even stopped a chocalate cafe for some espresso and truffles. it wasn't as good as pix from earlier in the week, but still amazing and also staffed by cute, cute boys. the food has all been amazing by the way. pambiche (a fine cuban establishment), vincentes (pizza) and this morning the pearl bakery where we had french pastries on the way out of town. one of their specialties is brugillia(?) a french donut with orange and fennel, weird sounding, but ohhhh so delicous.

i can't belive my time in eden here will soon be over, but i have to admit i am a bit excited to get home and not do anything but eat greens, work out and catch up on my meetings and some much needed chill downtime...............

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

late night, or late if your 30.....

it's 10:30 here in pdx and i'm trying to remember when that became late? that used to be the beginning of a long, long night out but anyways i digress. i'm going to go to a midnight candlelight meeting and i'm kind of jazzed. i've been trying to make one or two meetings a week and this will actually be my first meeting in two weeks.
since i lasted poted i've been to the coast were i tried to fly a kite in hurricane style rainy winds, went further up to astoria and crossed the longest bridge in the us and looked for the goonies, it was filmed there, but no luck. i got to see the diane arbus exhibit "family" which will travel to the walker eventually and have eaten fabulous french desserts at 2, count em 2 french cafes and even got a great work out in at y that over looked the city. wandering around an area i think was called west 23rd yesterday i even got a buzz cut, bye bye hair. went to a bar named bossanova, which was as swank as it sounds, to hear a friends' boy spin some records and show off the new doo and wound up at the doug fir which sounds ho-hum but was uber sexy. think of a 50's diner but dark, sleek and moody and sexyyyyyyyyyyy.
tomorrow is the first thursday here in pdx which means a monster city wide artcrawl! outside of the dismal job situation, the aggressively depressing homeless situation and oh yeah the life i have back in minnesnowta i often wonder aloud why i don't live here.....