Monday, February 28, 2005

the where was i game....

one of my favorite things to think back on is where i was one year ago today. one year ago today i was living in a half way house in south minneapolis. i had just gotten on of treatment and thought that just going to treatment would solve all my problems. like i would go and be cured and never have to think about drinking or drugs ever again. at the time i was still probably so toxic that that seemed like it would work. so after completing a 28 day program i moved into this mens 1/2 way house.going there was a big decision and one of the best ones i've ever made. it was important for me to be in the city, right in middle of where i used to get fucked up. in fact i had gotten drunk at every bar in that neighborhood at one time or another. facing these demons head on with a safe, sober place to go was very, very important. i remember getting there and being absolutely terrified. all the guys there seemed so foreign to me. they were mostly young straight guys, which was kind of shock coming from a gay treatment center. as of march 1st i was still struggling with whether or not i would make it there and trying, trying to find a job, i didn't actually get one until march 19th. i learned some really tough yet valuable lesoons living there. accoutantabilty, thinking of others, thinking of myself, how to handle adverstiy and how to live in the community as a sober gay man. i made quite a few friends, a handful that i still keep in touch with, at that point i had never had so many sober platonic intimate relationships with men.

so flash forward to today and i'm portland on vacation. it's monday and i'm getting ready to go fly kites at the beach. i plan on saying a little prayer for myself and all my sober 1/2 way house buddies and offering it up to the waves.........

Saturday, February 26, 2005

pdx=portland?

well our trip to try-out for the martha stweart apprentice show got tossed out, due in large part to my portland buddy anisa almost getting stranded at the g.w.bush airport but eventually coming in 10 hours later than expected. better late than never and way better than spending the night in an airport named after our illustrious leader. anyways sorry mar (that's what martha likes to be called) if you want me for your show you'll have to invite me personally, i really shouldn't have to audition.

anyways day two of vacationing in pdx has been rad! i got to drive around in my friends new car and kill time waiting for her flight. went to a place called the starry rose and ran into an old friend from mpls, weird huh? got to workout and in related news-i'm only 5 short pounds away from being under 200 lbs, just a little big short term goal, that's a total of 62 pounds lost since last january.

yesterday was also my 13th month of sobriety and according to a mini daily tarot reading things are going according to schedule. i know i'm only one palm reading and two chakra alignments from spiritual utopia-ummm bitter right?

just been groovin to all the music i love imaganible, thanks to lime wire and enjoying the great magnificent outdoors of the northwest.....

Thursday, February 24, 2005

vacation all i ever wanted....

i am so jazzed! i am on vacation now for 10+ days in sunny, beautiful portland. it seems so hard to believe that i was in sf last week and we are already set-up, ran and took down our portland show. well after the break i have a couple days in vancouver and then an even bigger vacation!

i keep forgetting that i'm driving up to seattle to try out for the martha stewart apprentice show this saturday. couldn't you just see me making cookies or setting an elegant table with her?

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

think good thoughts...

well i have been getting around portland like nobody's business. the mass transit it here is awesome, fuckin awesome is more like it. i took trains across the city and back, hoofed it and probably put it 10 miles without a car or bike, not bad right? had a little mini breakdown shopping today involving the current state of my body. i am still dropping the pounds, i just don't look how i feel and its starting to irk me out. i can't wait to get back and get into a normal workout routine, even if its only for 3 or 4 weeks.

i tried to get to a meeting but didn't really allow myself enough time to find one. i am on for tomorrow and tuesday has been my meeting day typically since i've been on the road. i did end up seeing finding neverland at the cinema right across the street from the hotel as a weak alternative to a meeting. wow, what an tearjerker! i haven't cried that hard since i saw the hours or maybe it was frida, but it really hit home with me. i guess i had been living a pan like existence for a long, long time + with all the growing up i've done in the last year alone sometimes my mind wanders, just like this....

Sunday, February 20, 2005

i left my heart....

well i left san francisco yesterday and as usual with sf i wanted, needed more time. the last time i went in '99 it was not enough time, film or money, this time it was just the time i needed. i did have an amazing couple of days there though. went in early on friday and hit a bunch of the shops in and around market st.-kenneth cole, puma, levis, diesel, and really what's the big deal about diesel? anyways i ended up at the SFMoMA which was simply breathtaking!! soooo many beautiful things. had a nice lunch at the caffe museo ( in the museum, duh right) and got to make an amends to one of my oldest friends. i have known her for over 20 years and she was one of the first people who stopped hanging out with me because she couldn't bear to watch me falling apart. after that took the bart up to the castro and did some more shopping and met her husband for dinner at a great little pasta place. ohhhhhh i love, love, love sf and the thought of someday moving there really gets going......

the next day i got picked up and drove to eureka, ca. got to go through the redwoods. we stayed at a scary motel 6 and i think i left a bag with the dozen new cd's i have been picking up and 3 pairs of shoes. i can't believe i spaced it out and really hope i get all my crap back. i am a bit nervous as the motel looked sketchy, sketchy, sketchy and i don't know if i'm paranoid but i thought their was some illegal activities going on...

the drive today from eureka to portland was very, very beautiful, but seemed to take forever. more redwoods and rolling wavey coasts, bluffs and green mountains and tons of highway. we finally made it though. we are actually staying in a nice place relatively close to the city and i think i may go explore some of it tonight. it would be nice to meet a handsome portland boy to make out with. hmmmmm.....

Monday, February 14, 2005

okay the biggie finally...

just to get you caught up from last "real" post, i guess i need to go back a few weeks. january 31st i left san antonio and flew to phoenix, which was a whirlwind. we flew in late on mon, set up our show on tuesday at the corona ranch. just the weekend before they had hosted a huge rodeo and the air was ripe, luckily they hauled off all the offending soon to be manure and the rest of the load in went okay. for as much slacking as i get to do when we have actual participants, they really get their moneys worth out of me on load ins and load outs. i'm a pretty strapping lad but i'm a little bit too much of a princess to be a mover, which is what i feel like on those dreaded load days. all that work for three show days and on the last day after everyone had left we packed it all up and for some god awful reason drove through the night to get to orange county. granted our hotel in phoenix was a bit scary, but it would have been soooo much more comfortable than trying to get comfortable in the back of a minivan. nothings worse than waking up with the feeling that you're going to drive off the road. we made it yes, but we were all exhausted, thankfully we'll hopefully never do that again.

after arriving in costa mesa some of the guys in our crew wanted to go to san diego, the very next day, i had had my fill of car time and decided to stay and explore on my own. that was the day i got a pedicure, manicure, massage and a fancy haircut (i have to treat myself good right?) and topped it off with a nice salmon dinner at a neighboring restuarant. sunny southern california was so beautiful. clear, sunny, hot-essentially heaven......i got to see downtown l.a. and the hollywood sign but really just enjoyed the down time. our venue at the orange county expo center was basically forgetable and last week really does seem soooo far away.

one of the best things i got to do there was go to a meeting! i went to a gay mens meeting in a neighboring city (santa ana) which i found with some help from orange county intergroup. the last meeting i was at was in mesquite, outside of dallas, but it was nothing like this. everyone was so sweet and nice and i got to more formally celebrate my first sober birthday. they gave me a cake and thirty beautiful gay men sang me happy birthday and they all signed a very naughty xxx birthday card and put my chip in there too. i really felt like i was at one of my home groups in mpls, which is where i really wanted to be to celebrate my one year, i'm just so grateful that their are other meetings for me out here though. i'm trying to make it to at least one meeting as week, what with 5 people sharing a car, sometimes seems like a feat in and of itself. all the downtime has provided me some great time for personal reflection, meditation, reading and thank god for my phone, which has kept me in touch with my life back in the mini apple.

so we left orange county this last saturday and spent the day driving up the coast, ohhh that sounds so romantic. it was actually the 101 vs. highway 1, but it was still beautiful. i did sleep a lot, but found some time to knit, chat and stare out the window. we got into san mateo in the early evening, after some turn arounds and bumbled directions. shortly there after i got picked up by my sf marrried couple friends, one of which i have known for over 20 years and i was so jazzed to see them. hugs and kisses, you get the idea right. they left minneapolis last may and have been giving sf a run for its money. they seemed so at home here and it really suits them. after a seemingly endless car ride into the city,w e got to their cute, cute place in upper haight. it was so perfect for them and beautiful i was so amazed. we walked to the cutest little sushi place by their house-amasia hide's sushi bar on noe ave and had a fabulous meal. i'm normally pretty easlily distracted, but all the hot handsome men everywhere were actually starting to becoming annoying as i felt i couldn't take them all in at once....oh that sounded weird, but all my problems should be this big. i used to "tear it up" with these friends sometimes till the wee drunken hours and i think they were shocked when i dozed off on the couch in a happy food coma later that night.

the next day we had crepes at the squat and gobble and spen the whole day running all around sf. lower haight to market to china basin to twin peaks to the castro to market again golden gate park to ocean beach to baker beach to the base of the golden gate to the marina to the presido to the legion of fine arts to north beach back to upper haight for indian food and then shoe shopping in lower haight (ohhhhh i got some cute shoes and way to many cds at ameoba records) then back to their place to chill, all on a sunday! sf is in bloom and the sweet smell of flowers and eucalyptus is everywhere. i don't know if it was valentines day being today, but i saw so many cute couples, gay and straight walking around holding hands, kissing and doing that really annoying cute thing i really want to do too. i saw some amazing diva magnolia trees in bloom and shot a whole roll of pictures of this one in golden gate park. i LOVE it here so much, i have even been toying with the idea of moving out here. i know its a lot to think about, but the thought has been spinning, spinning through my mind for days.......

okay so that brings me to today. happy v.d. y'all. even though it's supposed to rain all week i can hardly wait to get back into the city this friday, and that'll keep a smile on my face all week long.....

Sunday, February 13, 2005

hello from the end of the world...

yeah i'm finally staying in a hotel that has a business center with a computer! i really wanted to post a big one, as in a lengthy entry that is, but i have had such a long couple of days in san francisco, what with all the shopping, eating sushi, sightseeing and photo taking i'm just plumb exhausted. plus my ice cream from walgreens is starting to melt, more tomorrow i promise.....

Thursday, February 10, 2005

just a quickie....

thought i better post something, anything about what's been goin' on. i went to phoenix via san antonio (from my last post) and spent four busy, busy days there. left in a flurry and have been in costa mesa california right in the middle of orange county ever since. our new hotel and old hotel in phoenix, did not and do not have internet access, so a big, big post is soon forthcoming. so far so good-palm trees, 70's, iced lattes, sandals and spa style days of beauty.....