Wednesday, December 29, 2004

.....here and now, live in the......(lather, rinse, repeat)

well i made it back safe and sound. i've actually been back for a few days, just enjoying get back into my old routines; meetings, gym, work, ect...

i only have one more shift left at the coffee shop and i can hardly wait. today was so hard after being off for a week. just busy, busy, busy. not that's its hard, just seemingly tedious. i only have one more shift left, this saturday, and for as much as i complain, i know i'll miss it. great, supportive co-workers who have become friends, some cool customers, the familiarity of it all.

ohh i leave in just a few weeks now and i find myself getting worked up, anxious and mildly panicky. i know things will work out i just have to constantly remind myself to stay in the moment and live in the here and now. dealing with issues from my past and even getting a few days ahead of myself has a tendency to freak me out. so for now i'm just breathing, relaxing and being grateful for all the wonderful things in my life.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

-12 degrees, feels like -50

ok i'm in duluth right now and it is soooooo cold. my mom's a bit tight with the heat and my little fingers are starting to go numb and dammit if i forgot to pack my fuzzy slippers. anyways i am having a blast hanging with my mom and catching up with some old friends. borrowed my mom's car, with her permission and blessing i might add to, and spent the afternoon shooting pictures of friends. met up with an old friend and previous housemate who i had burned pretty bad during the drinking days and it felt great to make an ammend to her and finally talk in-depth about what it was like, what had happened and what it's like now (sound familiar) and i learned so much from the experience and i'm so grateful that she's still willing to be my friend.

i have been running errands with my lovely mother today and the 30 second jaunts between the car and wherever we're headed were hellish. i'm in long underwear from head to toe but it doesn't feel like enough. i'm a bit salty too as i pulled a neck or shoulder muscle doing some pushups yesterday after i went to the gym, which was an experience in itself. it must have been moments before i arrived that the bus dropped off the silver sneaker squad, because i was honestly one of three people there under the age of 75. quite a change from the downtown y, but whatever right?

tonight i'm planning on making a nice dinner for my mom. my secret garden fresh garlic crabcakes atop mixed spring greens with steamed baby carrots, slivered red onions, asiago and a green garlic dressing with a fresh toasty baguette and baked brie. (side note to the boys who love boys-i cook like this all the time).

stay warm, happy holidays and all that jazz if i don't check for a few days and remeber only 20 days left of my 20's.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

whattup with the weekend

well with the writing of this i find myself in the christmas city of the north! yes duluth, mn that is. in preparation for my big trip i moved a bunch of stuff up here to my mom's house, so all that is left at my place in mpls are the clothes and random things i plan on bringing with me. drove up this afternoon, and i actually drove the whole way. feels weird to be behind the wheel again, with a valid license, but it's just like rididng a bike. drove in my friend david's car, a volvo wagon, which is something i could see myself in someday. david and i have the best talks as we have known each other from before we both got sober. so my old times and new times seem to make more sense to him as he has firsthand experience with both the old and new me.

went to some parties last night and i'm dragging ass today as i didn't get back home until 4am! i didn't drink but being in that enviroment i felt like i got a contact buzz and feel a bit emotionally hung-over today, and thankfully not really hung-over. party #1 was a 30th birthday party for a friend who i've known for about 15 years. he is the 2nd or 3rd in a long list of friends who turn 3o this year, myself included, and he seemed to take it in stride. i have been out occasionally, but really didn't feel right last night so i was sad to leave his party, but grateful to get out of the bar. party #2 was an annual solstice party at a house in nordeast. it was very strange to be back as the last time i was there was few years back and i was pretty messed up that night. not that i was falling down or anything, but a few friends there did know that i was pretty high and that made the party uncomfortable for a lot of people, myself included. that night i remember offering myself up to the fire and asking for help, help to stop and get sober which didn't come for a year or two, but felt awesome to come full circle and say a quiet prayer alone last night by the fire. it's still a trip to see folks who haven't seen me for awhile, they can't seem to get over the fact that i am indeed sober now, me too sometimes i guess.

well i'm off to my grandparents house for a turkey dinner and then back to minneapolis tonight yet, i wish i was just staying for the holidays, but i'll be back in just a few short days.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

the new news...

well i just got some news regarding my trip. the whole east coast trip is off.

i'm going on the west coast instead! so goodbye nyc, boston and dc; hello la, san fran and portland!

i guess i would have preferred the east coast, but whatever right. also found out today that i fly to dallas and start this whole fiasco on fri jan, 15 2005!

Sunday, December 12, 2004

PAR-TAY!!!!

what a great night last night. went to a birthday party for an old friend of mine. i have to admit i was a bit apprehensive to go, mostly unsure of what it would be like, but i had a blast! ran into so many people i used to work, party and play with and everyone was so excited that i was sober, me too. it was so nice to be out and having a good time and the thought of drinking really wasn't even present. obviously i thought about it, what with almost everyone drinking, but seeing some of the people who were drunk quickly set me straight again. ran into a guy who used to party with me just as hard if not harder, and he kind of dropped that he had gotten sober. whatta trip! he goes to some meetings i used to go to and he seems so happy. we chatted for quite a bit and the differences in us from what we used to be like was so evident. the weirdest event of the night was probably at the end when i left. i said my goodbyes and walked out to the car with the friends i had gone with. i honestly couldn't remember the last time or anytime i walked away from a party, and was a:) able to walk b:)coherent and sober and c:)left without offending anyone, doing anything stupid or generally making an ass of myself. who would have thought any of this could have been possible?!

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

december

i can't believe that december is almost a third over and christmas is right around the corner + 2005 + my big birthday + the trip + 1 year anniversary aaaaaahhhhhhh. it feels so amazing that this is all happening to me right now, i just can't get carried away.

i made some big financial ammends this last week and paid off the bank and opened a new acct. + plus paid off some big tickets from the mid to late 90's and got my drivers license back. i had to retake the written test, but i got a 94%. it feels great to slowly be re-establishing myself again. i get so excited by having a checking acct. and a valid drivers license and most people look at me like "what you didn't have those things already?" i guess in some extreme ways i'm not your ordinary person.

i have been getting some great shots with the new camera. feels amazing to be making art again, even if it is just for me. i can't wait to take pictures around the great u.s. of a. things are just moving in such a great direction i can hardly believe, i just keeping waiting for the other shoe to drop.....but i'm not even going to go there.

i told my story for the first time at a meeting tonight and that was quite the trip. i felt like i wasn't even really there, like the words were just coming out, in a very disjointed, sparadic, nonsensical manner, but quite a few people said they got something out of it and that's all that counts. i dropped somethings and made skimmed over others, but these are just things to work on for the next time, which by the way is a week from tomorrow.

ohhhh i need to do so many things before bed and i have to work early but i probably just chill out and try to get to them tomorrow.