Friday, October 29, 2004

on the eve of..

it seems i haven't been posting with much regularity, but it's hard to tell if anyone is actually reading this. it's 2 days before halloween and all my feelings seem to be on high alert. traditionally halloween has been a bad time for me. 2 years ago i was being evicted from my apartment in kenwood and moving to duluth and last year i was getting kicked out by yet another friend in duluth and moving it with my mom at 28 years of age. i know things are completely different this year; ie. i'm sober, i'm back in mpls, ect, but it's just been on my mind lately. plus all the craziness that comes with this time of year. even the idea of going to a gay sober party kind of puts me on edge, not to mention all the drinkers and partiers who already seem to have that glint in their's just making me a bit crazy. i have decided to not really celebrate this year, i just feel a bit like a stick in the mud. why don't i just get back out there and whatnot. i guess with all this indecision i know i should just steer clear, but it's everywhere.

in other news i'm down to 208 pounds! that's 57 pounds for those of you keeping track at home. it feels fantastic and the thought of getting back on 200 seems like less of a pipe dream.

also i got the serving job i went out for on a whim, i just know what to do about it. i have this feeling that they want me to quit the coffee shop, which doesn't sound so bad, but it would be a leap of faith. what if i can't hack it and i am suddenly without any employment. i guess more will be revealed and i have to play it by ear and really listen for the answers i know are out there singing in the ether....

Sunday, October 24, 2004


i love days off sooooooo much. i got to sleep in today, which is a treat for a sunday. lazed about the house, drank coffee and watched the color purple, one of my favorite movies of all time. i had a really good interview for a new additional job waiting tables. still feeling a wee bit apprehensive about getting back into serving, but if its meant to be it'll happen. i am not quitting my coffee job-i guess i'm just testing the water more or less.

also in honor of taking the day off i didn't go to the gym today. i made it to the gym though 4 times last week and feel stronger, leaner and sexier for it. i only weigh myself once a week or once every other, but feel like i may have lost 5 more pounds.

and the most exciting thing i think is tomorrow, or 2 hours to be exact, i'll have been sober 9 whole months in a row, still trips me out a bit to think about this, but it actually makes me more and more grateful with each passing day.

tomorrow is indeed monday and the start of a whole new week.......

Monday, October 18, 2004


lets see it has been a few days (weeks) since i last posted so in reverse order here's what i have been up to as of late:

i just had my favorite thai dish paenang curry with chicken and cashews from chiang mai thai.

worked out pretty hard tonight and feel electric.

crappy day at work that ended on a good note thankfully.

took a break from opening the coffee shop this weekend to do my 5th step, i lived.

struggled last week with feeelings of intense cravings, which i vented at meetings, and with the help of praying made it through unscathed.

spent a few days in duluth with my mom, i love her soooo much. basically slept alot, watched some movies, walked the trail in it's autumn splendor by my the creek i grew up next to.

gave this awesome book, glory goes and gets some by emily carter to one of my oldest friends who will probably get as much out of it as i did. damn she's a lyrical genius.

saw rufus wainwright at the pantages theater on sunday night. i was a bit tired to fully enjoy it, but regardless his voice and piano playing really took my breath away.

went to a big gay sober roundup (minnesober) where a gay mortcian in recovery told his story and brought me to tears ( 5 times) for the 1st time in awhile. it wasn't the big cry/emotional release i have been aching for, but felt good and i learned alot by listening to him.

worked really early the morning previous to said roundup and was exhausted before, during and after the event.

friday night i went to my 1st bar show since i have been sober and saw my all time favorite band low at the triple rock. they played an entire set of only new music, and i felt bad for wanting to hear old material, but they did pull some out for their 1st and 2nd encores.

well i'm about a week away from 9 months and feel pretty okay about how things have been and are going. the winter and anticipated doldrums will be a big test, as will a trip to san fran and turning 30 right before i get my year, but that's all in the future, not so distant, but not so today either.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

beautiful tuesdays R US

whew-i can't believe it's october already it seems like the time has just flown right on by! so much has been happening and not happening at the same time i really don't know where to begin. well today i have the day off and got to sleep in until 9:30-whatta treat! i have been working early, early mornings since last friday and it was starting to wear me out, but after a good night's sleep that all seems like a thing of the past, until this weeknd i guess.

i'm wondering if i'm the only one who saw this, but i had my first run in ever with some fred phelps disiciples outside of the big gopher game this last weekend. i was biking along minding my own business when i ran into 10ish people brandishing their "god hates fags" signs and it really caught me off guard. i was so pissed i really got scared that i would do something rash. i had to pull over as i was trembling so hard from the rush of adreliane i was experiencing. i felt like going back and stealing their signs or worse like punching them in the face, but i knew that would make me no better than they were. i guess with our 1st ammendment rights everyone is entitled to their own opinions, negative or otherwise, i just felt rather helpless in that i felt i couldn't really do anything in response.

personally i have been dealing with some pretty intense feelings of loneliness and going through waves of depression. it's not as "whoa is me" as it sounds, it just comes on pretty intense and from out of nowhere it seems. i am dealing with being by myself and not being lonely pretty well, it's just at certain moments that i feel i need friends around and they are nowhere to be found. speaking of friends, i hung out with an old friend last night. he and i used to use pretty hard together and now he is also in recovery too, with about twice as much time as me. it's just weird to have a friend in both camps. i have friends i have made in recovery who never knew me while i was using, and i have old friends from before i got sober who knew me then, but aren't in recovery, its nice to see what i was like and what i'm like now reflected back in a friendship.

things on the hi-fi as of late:
tv on the radio, andrew bird, the postal service, beth orton, morphine, old magnetic fields, new rufus wainwright, i need some more new, new to me music any suggestions?

i have so much to do today i really need to get my ass in gear otherwise i could just sit here and blather on and on and on.....