Monday, August 30, 2004

Monday with a capital M

i've had such a great day. work was work and i made it through, cash in hand i left a happy boy, 1/2 late but whatever. i got home and found the letter i have been waiting for. i wrote myself a letter in treatment, when i was 26 days sober. i kind of knew it was coming it was just weird to read. the decisions i made to get me where i am(staying in mpls), choices i made(going to a 1/2 way house), things i've done(going to meetings and getting involved), the relationships i still have(treatment friends, a kickin sponsor, improved relations with the family) and ones i 'm still working on daily(an actual relationship with god that gets better everyday, being more comfortable being me and actually being happy more, talking with my dad and friends i have burned in the past). it's almost beeen 200 days since i wrote that letter, and granted everyday hasn't been top notch, but without drinking and working on all of the above my life has never been as bad as my best day drinnking. my physical health is rebounding so nicely too. i wrote that i hoped things got better because i was 265 pounds and absolutely miserable. little by little i'm down to 225! i still have a way to go, but feel great, i'm starting to get pipes and even did aerobics today! i topped it off with an amazing meeting which happened to be medallion night. people were getting 1 month chips all the way up to 7 years. it just helps to remind me what i have accomplished and what i want for my future.

Saturday, August 28, 2004

late night ramble (short)

i'm re-reading all the books by alan hollinghurst right now. i tend to find an author i like and then completely read everything they wrote. i am reading "the swimming pool library" and find myself feeling sexy, slutty and british quite often. i had previously read them all and now remember why i loved them so much before. he writes with the bite of wilde without the sexual restraint of the victorian era. i can't quite rave enough. plus as an added bonus i discovered that he just published a new book this year and can't wait to read it next.

i am up kind of late as i don't have to work tomorrow! i guess the cappucino i had at 10 pm may have something to do with it, but whose counting right. i'm also watching the tail end of the olympics and my dream/fantasy of a hot wrestler boyfriend were squashed when i saw up close what cauliflower ear is all about. maybe i'll hold out for a diver or track star.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

123456...7

i hit 7 months today and it was pretty exciting when i remembered this morning at work.

i got a haircut that makes me look pretty military, i haven't had hair this short in a long time.

went to the gym today and besides the whole new pants size thing i feel like i'm getting somewhere with it.

hung out with a good friend and went to my wedsnesday night meeting.

i am getting closer and closer to making art again, have been thinking about it a lot lately.

things on the hi-fi today: rufus wainwright-one man guy, flaming lips-fight test, the 6ths-you, you, you, the postal service-track 8 (can't remember the name). things i'd like to listen to more: nina simone, paul simon, zero7, bjork.

7 random thoughts for 1 random post.


Monday, August 23, 2004

212 or 212

today is my 212th day of sobriety. i still count days, but look forward more to the months and 1/4 years and soon enough the yearly ones too. everyday is a new day but palindromic ones are seemingly more lucky, at least to me.

i have been feeling like my serentity is being tested by people i know more and more. it's just helping me to focus more on my part of the equation (why i feel this way) and giving me ample opportunity to practice letting go.

sounds a little woe is me, but things are really humming along quite well. i was secret shopped last week at the corporate coffee shop and got a 100%! wish i got a bonus for this, but doing a good job and having a good time with great co-workers and the occasional nice customer is reward enough. i'm working earlier mornings a few more days this week and will hopefully get back to a "normal" schedule next week. i still had time to hit the gym today and even lost a few more pounds from last week. went to a movie, "open water" which sucked and checked out a new deli-Caffrey's, which had the best philly i've had in minneapolis to date. oh yum, i want another one, but i digress and digest.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

oh whatta day...

in typical weekend fashion i got up at 4:50 am and made my way uptown to sell cheery lattes to the yuppies who love them so much, it's actually not that bad, their are tons of great peeps who stop by, just makes the job sound more dramatic. anyway it wasd tough as i could sleep and didn't get to bed until sometime after 1, you do the math. i even stayed clean and coffee spot free in white linen for 7 hours! i did however spill a few drops out of the latte i got at veras, but i can't really bike, talk on a cell phone and hold a coffee, even if i'd like to tyhink i can.

after work met an old roomie for lunch at d'amico & sons (i love the turkey cherry pasta) and have started to make an effort to hang out again. since i've been getting over a cold or sinus infection or an allergy reaction to the weather (whatever it is it sucks) i've been takin a few days off from working out. tried to on thursday and woke up sick with crampy legs the next day, i thought i was gonna cry, not a great way to start a friday.

for some reason i thought i'd go to the mall of america today?! wow what a nightmare. it's back to school time, teen fashion council something or other and the weekend, i have no idea why i thought this would be easy. i just wanted a watch, new jeans, work out shorts and socks, but with to many choices (sensory overload) everything looked confusing. did i like it, was it too much, balh blah blah. i left the mall screaming and jonesing for a cigarette which i'd left in the friend's car and rode the bus back downtown. now downtown on the weekend i love. scant tourists and enough people to keep it interesting without that mob like feel. i got new jeans and a new jean size!!!! i have dropped 4 to 6 pant sizes since january and its good to feel my hard work is paying off.

topped off the night with an awesome meeting. the speakers were really speaking to me and i almost lost it and started to tear up more than once. i am just so happy with how things are going. it is far from perfect but things get better little by little for me everyday. i know so many great people in recovery now that i was getting great hugs left and right.

it is almost 10 pm again and i can hardly wait to see what i dream about tonight and wake up and do it all over again tomorrow.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

sniff-sniff-sniffle

i think i'm officially sick, or on my way there. it's not too bad just some sniffles and i feel like i'm in slow motion. the worst think is i'm totally flashing back to all my party days everytime i sniff. i'm taking it slow today, light day at the gym and i made some carrot soup with homeade croutons. yummmmm....it was like a warm hug in a bowl. i meet with sponsor tonight and i need to get to my home group as i missed last week, and maybe the week before?

got to hang out with some friends from my old 1/2 way house last night at bob's java hut. i'm soooo lucky that i have peeps to talk to. we are all going through a lot of the same crap and it feels good to have someone to confide in. it just helps to not feel alone and makes the healing/recovery process so much easier.

i have to work all weekend and i hope this blows over before i blow my f'in nose off!!

sniff-sniff-sniffle

i think i'm officially sick, or on my way there. it's not too bad just some sniffles and i feel like i'm in slow motion. the worst think is i'm totally flashing back to all my party days everytime i sniff. i'm taking it slow today, light day at the gym and i made some carrot soup with homeade croutons. yummmmm....it was like a warm hug in a bowl. i meet with sponsor tonight and i need to get to my home group as i missed last week, and maybe the week before?

got to hang out with some friends from my old 1/2 way house last night at bob's java hut. i'm soooo lucky that i have peeps to talk to. we are all going through a lot of the same crap and it feels good to have someone to confide in. it just helps to not feel alone and makes the healing/recovery process so much easier.

i have to work all weekend and i hope this blows over before i blow my f'in nose off!!

sniff-sniff-sniffle

i think i'm officially sick, or on my way there. it's not too bad just some sniffles and i feel like i'm in slow motion. the worst think is i'm totally flashing back to all my party days everytime i sniff. i'm taking it slow today, light day at the gym and i made some carrot soup with homeade croutons. yummmmm....it was like a warm hug in a bowl. i meet with sponsor tonight and i need to get to my home group as i missed last week, and maybe the week before?

got to hang out with some friends from my old 1/2 way house last night at bob's java hut. i'm soooo lucky that i have peeps to talk to. we are all going through a lot of the same crap and it feels good to have someone to confide in. it just helps to not feel alone and makes the healing/recovery process so much easier.

i have to work all weekend and i hope this blows over before i blow my f'in nose off!!

Monday, August 16, 2004

c'monbabydotheconga

my monday started out a little funky as the rain just made want to sleep. so much so that i was late getting out of bed and late to work. it was starting out all ho-hum and my first customer said to me "remember gloria estefan?".

"what?"

last week i had told her "turn the beat around" and put a good spin on her monday morning. it worked for her last week and me this week. i guess you get back what you put out there.

went to the gym tonight after a few days off. working so early on the weekends makes it hard to stay motivated to go in the afternoon. i went at 7 which is a little later than i usually go and damn if it wasn't packed to the gills. so many people and to many hot guys. i have to figure out something to do there in my down time, because i often find myself staring at all the hbt's (hottie beau totties) most likely mouth agape and all.

i feel really good about going to the gym so much, i just need to nourish my brain as much. it's been awhile since i've seen some art and need to pick up the pace on my reading too. going to school and creating new art are on the horizon too, but that is more of a $$ issue, or lack of. i have been thinking of looking for an additional job to bring my income back to what i'm used to, something like waiting tables a few nights a week. i just have to be careful with what i do. i need to be able to go to my meetings foremost + the gym + me time = not enough hours in the day. at this point getting by is just fine for now.

i'm so excited i have the day off tomorrow-watch out.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

yeah!

so i guess i just pushed the right combo of buttons or something, but i fixed our computer. everyone thinks i'm some techno demi-god, but i know better. i guess i really took for granted having a computer in the living room. i pop on randomly for 5 minutes here and there and check my email and a plethora of blogs, but once you can't-it really sucks. thanks for the offers for help, may take you guys up on that in the not so distant future.

i'm back in my weekend routine which means getting up at 4:45 am today and tomorrow. i'm feeling pretty jazzed right now and fixing to go to the gym ever so soon. we'll see how i feel after the esspresso wears off.

i went to a meeting at the same place i went to treatment last night and had an okay time. makes me a little uneasy to be there, a bit sad and happy too, to know that i have 6+ months of sober time. speaking of which, i'm still a day counter, but carried over the numbers wrong in my calendar. i thought i'd hit 200 days next week, but it was actually last wedsnesday. kind of felt like i got 10 days for free, but i earned 'em fair and square. as of today i have 203!

was supposed to see garden state today, but tomorrow it is. i am soooo excited i can hardly wait. i was supposed to go last night or today. i wonder if i'm cyclying, something like MANstrating. i've been feeling a bit woe is me and why aren't people calling me again (i know i posted something similar about a month ago) but feel i worked through it last night in my handwritten journal and actually figured out some deep stuff about myself.

enjoy, enjoy, enjoy your saturday! it's so beautiful outside right now i can't wait to get out in it.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

well i made it back safe and sound from duluth. i was pretty excited to come back, mostly being home too long makes me regress into a teenager. getting an espresso and walking down lyndale made me really grateful that i stayed in minneapolis after treatment, the lack of good coffee and cool sober stuff to do is reason enough. although i have to admit later in the day i wanted to be back in duluth for a few days more. i guess my grass is never quite green enough.

it feels so good to be working out again too. i dragged 20 extra pounds of gear up to duluth thinking i'd work out up there, but never even really had time to think about it. i just love how i feel and look these days. i think i have lost close to 40 pounds since january. if i can keep it up i'll be buff in no time. imean i have pipes now, he he he, but just wait.

our computer is down at home, so bad the geek squad is being called in. so i'm using the computer at zeno, which only set me back $3 dollars for a pint of water. ugggh, after having use of a computer in your living room for so long the thought of public access is really quite gross, i mean this keyboard is filthy + i'm getting dirty looks because i'm probably well over the 20 minute limit.

enjoy your wedsnesday y'all!!!

Saturday, August 07, 2004

as the world turns...

it's saturday and rainy and kind of dreary in duluth today. it's a good day to nap like my niece is doing, mom too. i even fell out for an hour or so.

went to the big gay meeting here in duluth last night and was kind of let down. maybe it was an off day but their were only a few people there and it had a weird feel. i knew a few of them and got out of it what i needed. i guess it makes me grateful for all the great meetings i get to go to in minneapolis and all the great friends i have made through them. i guess missing them this week will help me appreciate them more next week.

have been seeing a lot of my old friends and it makes me miss living here. so much has and is happening, i guess i get caught up in my own life that i forget that things still continue to happen. lovers come and go, work drama, drama drama.......things didn't start over for everybody when i finally got sober. it's just a weird feeling like i am a part of their lives, but apart too. i needed and had to go on this journey i'm on and sometimes forget that things will never be the same.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

the great northwoods

i am here and so far so great. i have been hanging out with my mom, sis and niece. have gotten to see the extended family for a big turkey dinner in august (i carved the turkey, as usual) and have even seen tons of friends. everyone is so supportive and i keeping hearing how good i look, it may/has gone right to my head. feeling good about my people accepting/respecting my boundaries and overall it has been awesome to be back. drove by some old bars i used to haunt and even though i wasn't going in they seemed to radiate with a sense of caution. so much time spent and lost in these places, it feels weird to be driving by and not heading there. john irving said it best in one of his earlier novels - hotel new hampshire - that you need to keep passing the open window.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

homeward bound

things on the hi-fi today:

radiohead-sail me to the moon
catpower-he war
morphine-good
beth orton-someone's daughter
coldplay-everythings not lost

tomorrow is the big day. i haven't really been home for an extended period of time since the end of january, which is when i left for treatment and i feel ready. lots of family and friends to see, but i'm not stressing myself out. i tend to over think things and build these scenarios in my head of how or what it'll be like and this time i think i'm just going to try to let it happen. i have lots of support, here and there, so things should be just great.

i'll keep y'all updated, and if your lucky i'll even get a few pictures added to my site.

Sunday, August 01, 2004

happy august

i just did not want to get out of bed this morning @ 4:30 am (can you blame me). i made it on time and besides some moments of drama, work was work. fixed my bike, did my laundry and even had time to work out hard at the gym. i took a few days off, or rather didn't go. i am a bit sore right now, but the big test will be how i feel tomorrow i guess.

i'm kind of excited to be heading up north for a few days this wed. i kind of miss duluth-my mom, friends and the lake too. it will also be weird to see some of my family for the 1st time in 6 months, sober.....but i am currently processing all of this.

tomorrow is monday again and a new week begins.......