Saturday, July 31, 2004

acceptance

i guess i took a few days off from blogging, lots has been going on. i'm currently in a struggle with my bike, mainly my back wheel which popped when i ran over a huge nail on my way to work friday at 6:45 am. i'd like to add that i would have been early, well groomed and in a sunny disposition. i thought i had my shit together when i patched the flat the 1st time. well it didn't work yesterday, nor today when i tried to fix it again. i guess i'll quit being so cheap and get a new tube tomorrow. it sucks because my bike is my car and without it my timing is all off.

my sister and niece flew into today from texas for 10 days. they're spending the night in mpls and will go up to duluth tomorrow to hang out with my mom and extended family. we had dinner with her best friend in linden hills where they'll spend the night. the niece is so amazing as she is growing up so quick and its amazing to see my sister changing and growing into a mother right beside her. my sister was the original tomboy, we used to egg houses together and get into all kinds of trouble. she and her friends have all become fairly successful stable members of society. they were very concerned with whether or not to have beers with dinner and i still don't know how i feel about this. would it be weirder to have people not drink or what. they did at my insisting, i still don't know how to approach this subject yet. one of her friends is a handsome gay doctor who was debating if he had it all to do over again would he? he said no because of all the sacrifices he had to make. it got me thinking if i could change my life would i? i guess our lives are completely different and our unique experiences relative. would i have left the art gallery to party & trade it all for kicks. part of me wants to say no, but i can never change the course of events and the situation i'm in. it's just hard for me sometimes to accept this sometimes. i can only get better with each passing day.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

rude awakening...

so not only was my new dentist not hot, sensitive or funny, he was a woman-and a very rude one at that. her conversation with her new assistant allowed me to feel what it would be like to be a coffee table. if i had been more vertical they could have rested their coffees on my forehead.

the day wasn't a complete wash though. i went to one museum, two galleries, watched some of days of our lives, took a nap, worked out, met with my sponsor, went to a meeting, had dinner and evne made it to vera's for coffee. i met the cutest boy there and my heart almost broke when he told me he was only 20, i guess i forget sometimes that i'm almost 30. what a mindfuck that was.

damn all you cute gay boys running around minneapolis.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

hump day

so the first of 2 days off it rained. thankfully not much or often, but the threat of sudden rain put an edge of danger on the afternoon. had a nice breakfast at the sunnyside up cafe and went to vera's, where i should have been working on a project. got sidetracked and went to a meeting then worked on the project at the urban bean. i like the ub because i can get more done there and it tends to be mellow to the point of boredom, which sometimes i need.

moved up to free weights at the gym and even did cardio. i kind of feel pretty tonight because of it. that and i think i'm done putting "product" in my hair, rendering me even more soft and fluffy. some other things i may try next week include vegetarianism, quitting smoking, going back to school, i mean not all at once, but these ideas have been rattling through my head.

went to my normal wednesday night meeting and even had some ice cream with little mini summer colored m&m's. naughty i know but necessary.

i do go to the dentist tomorrow, but not the hottie i saw last week. i hope the knew one is even hotter and equally as sensitive.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

kick the damn ball.....

after much internal debate i decided to go play kickball and grill out with my co-workers tonight. i think i suffer from some rare disease where i think i'm too cool to do somethings, which probably has prevented me from doing many things in the past. maybe i'm just a wee bit stuck up for no good reason. anyways i went after the gym, instead of going to my normal tuesday night meeting and had a blast. our team got our asses kicked, something like 22 to 2, but some dramatic action on the field and good times i think were had by all.

so my hand, which i burned last week, was finally starting to heal when i sliced open my middle finger pretty deep, using a pair of scissors as a box cutter. why do stupid things happen in slow motion, but not slow enough to be stopped?

i have the next 2 whole days off!!!!!! i have some unfinished business on many different fronts to attend to, but nothing that can't be taken care after i wake up late and then take a nap. the front desk has already been instructed to hold all calls until noon.

Monday, July 26, 2004

the 10 spot

i always seem to find myself in this spot, right here at 10 o'clock. home, not necessarily alone, but lonely and feeling i should be out doing something. 10 was always kind of my witching hour. if i ever went out drinking before that things would tend to get bad early or stay worse later so it it was always a "good" time to start throwing back the man crans (absolut mandarin & cranberries) which was my drink for a very, very long time. i am starting to get used to being alone in my skin, it's just hard when you want people to call you. i can eat dinner alone, i guess i'd just rather not. i guess when i mediatate this is the kind of crap i try to shake, it's just very hard sometimes.

in the "real world" today i turned my alarm off this morning and went back to bed which almost made me late. i was 5 minutes early i just don't know why i would do such a ridiculous thing when i could easily snooze. i guess i like to live on the EDGE. work was what is was. not to bad not to great, just your average skinny tall not so hot 1/2 caf extra shot 3% soy milk double cup cinnamint sprinkles no lid "hold on" on my cell because i'm so very important kind of a day. nothing that a super coffeebot like myself can't handle.

got out of work, hit the gym hard and went to a meeting and saw my buddy get a 5 year chip, i want that, i so want THAT. 

Sunday, July 25, 2004

i'm so very excited today i hit the 6 month mark in my recovery! i guess with staying sober it's the little victories that matter the most. 24 hours is always a milestone, as everyday is a new record for me, but i have been waiting to hit the big 6 for awhile. i'm lucky that i have the help and support of AA, friends and family, an awesome sober support network, a safe living enviroment and some intangible things like self-respect and love for myself.

i still feel a bit weird as i bottomed out on the sleep tip and "napped" from 1 to 6 pm today. i think my body had had enough. so in honor of a hardcore day off-NO GYM!

Saturday, July 24, 2004

is this the weekend?

i can't believe i won this morning. i play a game on the weekend call beat the alarm clock. today i woke up @ 4:42, beating my 3 alarm clocks by three whole minutes! i obviously go to work early, but it's so great to bike around uptown at 5 am with no one out on the streets. the air is always cool, ecspecially today, and the sun just starts to make an appearance but in general it's still a very pretty violet-indigo twilight color. plus the other major bonus is i'm done with work by 12 noon! we'll see how long this enthusiasm lasts....

i just found out this week that two people i knew from my high school days passed away this week. one suicide and the other natural causes. i don't think of people my age dieing that much because it seems out of place, not keeping with natural order and all, just weird that 2 friends left in the span of a week.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

goldenburnsbrooklynvalleyriverville

their is just something so unsavory about ever having to go to the suburbs. ick-yack-aaagh. maybe its the strip malls, the "real" malls, ramblers on suddenly ending cul-de-sacs, the lack of sidewalks...who knows and who cares. the last hoop i had to jump through for the promotion was to go take a test in one of our "1st ring" suburbs, where unfortunately the corporate office is. i had to take 3 buses to get out there and hang out and wait in awkward spots waiting for the bus. instead of letting this drive me crazy i took in my surroundings and found time to meditate, journal and people watch.

oh yeah i passed the test (96%) and got the promotion!!

i think i need to cuddle with somebody soon. i was at the dentist's office this morning and while he was doing some work on my upper choppers he cradled my head and pressed me into his stomach and chest for better leverage. he's really handsome and had it not been for the drill, his assistant, the fluorescents and whatnot it would've seemed so romantic. i am so very dillusional, someone please help.

 

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

happy birthday tooooooooooooo you..

i almost forgot happy birthday and happy anniversary to the prettiest indian princess on all of the southside.

i am finally going to release the address of this blog, i have kind of been holding it back, or at least pretending he doesn't know.

thanks for being my hayden, you mean the world to me, even if i don't always show it.

let go of the burn cream please...

sometimes work can be pretty irrating, on top of being inconvenient and sadly necessary. i went into with the best intentions of trying not to let it bring me down, but low and behold 1 hour into it i get a pretty bad burn from some scalding hot columbian, thanks juan. it's not 2nd degree or anything its just dull throb, and i better it'll be discolored but whatever right?

worked out pretty damn hard tonight, i'm slowly trying to raise the bar, literally. but cooling down afterwards, walking around the jogging track i got hit pretty hard with an emotion that i'm unable to really put into words. it was like grief but the sensation didn't have the intense sadness or the release of a good cry. i was just kind of walking through it. i really thought i was going to lose it, and sort of wanted to. i feel like i'm hanging on to a lot of things from my old using days and without the release i feel like they're still hanging on. i am consciously and physically working on letting these things go, and it will all happen when its ready. i guess i'm just re-learning how to be me and feeling things all over again.

i got to let some of this go at a meeting and got some good feedback, as unsolicited as it was, but do feel better.

i got to see the rain bust out of the skies and come down pretty hard while a rainbow formed to the east and the sun broke through the clouds to the west.........it was heavenly.



Tuesday, July 20, 2004

here comes the sun...

one of the best things about being sober for me, as that i can and do get up early. don't get me wrong, i love to sleep and sleep hard, but without being hung-over getting up @ 6 is sometimes pretty easy. this fact amazes family and friends who are used to me getting up t 1 or 2 in the afternoon.

i got up 2 hours early today and watched the sun come up with a steaming hot cup of a delightful dark roast blend and smoked cigs with the roomies. it was so hot this morning i knew it was going to be unbearable. i tend to wilt in the heat, but will never bitch about because i hate being cold even more.

work was a breeze today and the time just flew by. i feel i'm fairly ready for the big promotion test thursday, but still a bit nervous.

instead of taking a nap or watching tv i biked to the gym. i hit it pretty hard and predict i might be a bit soar tomorrow. i went to my normal tuesday night meeting, which i'm thinking about dropping, and then off to plan b with a few friends. got to catch up with a friend i don't see much anymore but who is always a delight to see. it so weird, we like alot of the same books, bands and movies and boys too, ooops just me, but his questions are always so funny. tonight he wanted to know about my gaydar,

i'm so excited to be home again though. i love my new place and my room mates. they're all such pretty girls and they make living here so much better and safer too. these awesome men always have my back,  even when i don't think i need it sometimes.

as a final southside thought, the new andy roddick "got milk" billboard on lake and lyndale is super hot and makes me awfully thirsty. set, match, love or whatever.

Monday, July 19, 2004

week one

it's hard to believe that a whole week has come and gone. 
 
allan hollinghurst, an amazing gay british author once wrote "we come by love so passively, we almost forget be forgotten." i don't know why that has been humming through my head. i  guess its because i have been missing some old friends and wonder if they miss me. i am a bit insecure, you may have gathered. its just so easy to get caught up in living.
 
music on the hi-fi tonight:
 
the postal service "give up"
andrew bird "weather systems"
 
i need to study for my big promotion test this thursday, oh yeah and sleep too.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

with a little help...

 
i am so lucky to have so many great friends.
 

Thursday, July 15, 2004

nose to the grindstone

nothing reminds you that you work for a major faceless corporation more than going to a training "meeting" at their "campus" in the suburbs. they like me enough i guess to give me a raise and i should be grateful that i have a job that allows me to do all the things i need to do for my sobriety, i just can't help but feel a little unclean sometimes.
 
went to the gym today again. i'm really getting into going again, i just stopped going rather abrubtly 5+ years ago.  i just need to quit flexing for myself. yes i am a dork.
 
finished item #5 from yesterday's to do list and now i'd like to give a little shout out to my homies in sanfran-whattup-i miss you two!
 
tomorrow is friday and i'm so excited to see chris o'reilly play radiohead tunes on his piano at orchestra hall, thom yorke is such a moody genius, i think a beautiful weekend is in my future.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

just a little thought...

i had such a great evening. after i got home from the gym i listened to my new to me CD the flamings lips "yoshimi versus the pink robots" (a must have in my book) and took a litlle nap. went to a meeting with a friend i'm just getting to know, met some new people and went bob's java hut and met up with an old friend and just talked, talked, talked. everything from jazz and drum and bass to recovery and sober parties to astrology and ....

anyways i just love meeting new people with signifigant sobriety who are still very much alive and having a great time being sober.

i finished 4 of my 5 to do list items and feel accomplished, refreshed and pretty. item #5-write a letter-i promise to myself to do tomorrow, errr today.

sweet dreams lyn-lake, uptown, carag....

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

whatta difference a day makes

before i forget yesterday was my 1/2 birthday. yes that's right-i turned 29 1/2 for the last time and my parents didn't even call-WTF?!

i guess as a birthday present to myself i had the day off from work, unintentional as it was, and it rocked. i got to see a very beautiful show of alec soth's work at the weinstein gallery, a must see, caught up with old art school buddies, went to the gym (weights+cardio), went to two meetings and even had time to take in a great dinner on the sidewalk in uptown. that last thing sounded bad, but you get the idea.

i have been kind of having a problem with letting go off trying to make people do the things i want and suffering a bit of loneliness from it, but i'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to some meditating and a little help from a friend.

Monday, July 12, 2004

monday, monday....

i can never really decide what is the better monday theme song-"monday, monday" by the mammas and the pappas or "manic monday" by the bangles? today seemed like a little of both.

woke up late for work, called in, wasn't really late yet, but ended up being late anyways, sometimes i feel i may never win. made it through the day, fairly unscathed and richer for my efforts, so all was not lost.

got home and wanted to crash out, but before my butt could meld into the couch, pedaled my bike to the gym. did aerobics again, mostly for comedic purposes of others taking the class + more cardio and now find my self at home.

it's my day off tomorrow and i can stay up and out late, which means i will be unable to find anyone to run around. i was invited to go hear some music with some normy(peeps who aren't or don't need to be in recovery) friends, but i just don't know if i feel up to the challenge of being in a bar tonight. the kitty kat klub is cool and i do love the photomat booth there, but staying sober and keeping on the journey i'm on are even more important. i'll have to meditate on this one.

ugggh, working out really makes me crave food that's really not so good for me, stuff like cheesecake with cherries on top from vera's, oddly enough i just crave the kind with cherries on it, not the turtle or the berries?

well it's day lily season and a i see a walk in my future.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

check one, check, check

is this mic on or what?